Out of all this, the most difficult thing for me to cope with is the grief, the sobbing, the 'broken my heart' stuff. I can't see a way through this, unless I return to the meetings and ministry. It's been around 2 years now, and it's not getting better - worse if anything. How do you cope with this? Is it a natural reaction to her loss, or a more definite strategy on her part? Is she being coached by the elders?
Eyesthatsee, your situation is not unlike many others on here. Having been through this with a close friend, I'd say it's a combination of a natural reaction to her loss as well as a definite strategy to induce guilt on your part. From your wife's point of view, you have 'abandonned Jehovah' which means you're going to be murdered by Jehovah at the Big A (which of course should be arriving any day now), plus you've "brought shame on the family" by leaving the cult troof. By doing so, you have brought your wife's/family loyalty to the Borg into question and everyone she knows is standing there watching to see where her loyalty is and that will bring on a good amount of resentment on her part. She went from having it all: a husband who was an elder, her being able to pioneer----I will assume that you enjoyed popularity and social prominence in the congregation and that means THE WORLD to so many women. To her way of thinking, you ruined all of that for her as you are no longer an elder, or even go to the meetings anymore. For all intents and purposes, your wife is a 'single' woman at the meetings, and single women are viewed as next to nothing.
When angry, she accuses me of disloyalty, breaking up the family, throwing away everything we ever had etc etc. When upset, she cries who will look after her, she's so lonely, I'm breaking her and the childrens' hearts etc.
Gee, where have I heard this before??? Yes, they put the entire blame onto you for 'breaking up the family' and never stop for one second to consider that it's not you breaking up the family, but rather their misplaced loyalty to that f*cking religion that's causing the problem. They expect you to do all the changing while they refuse to meet you even half way. Your wife does not care about seeing anything from your point of view and obviously does not care as to why you no longer believe their bullshit. What she does care about is what is most convenient for her and appearances. It sucks, but that is (unfortunately) the way this religion trains people to think: loyalty to them first and family last. And of course the tears, the 'I just want a family' and how you're 'breaking the children's heart' is all being done to try and suck you right back in. Witnesses are used to getting their own way, they're under one of the most brainwashed and mind-controlling organizations on earth and the deck is stacked against you.
My own opinion on this is: Do not give in. While this might seem the easiest thing to do, you will be selling your soul to a book publishing company and nothing more. I knew someone in your exact same situation: His family were all Witnesses, they more or less shunned him and were extremely resentful that he 'gave everything up' (he used to be an elder) and they proved that their loyalty was to the WTS, not to him. He grew very depressed, and when he was at his lowest, they zeroed in for the kill. They convinced him that if he got reinstated, he could just do The Fade afterwards, and they would be able to associate with him openly and freely. While I did not agree with him doing such a thing, (I knew they were banking on him re-embracing the religion once he was back in), he did it anyway. His family held their love like a whip over his head with the unspoken message that if he stopped going to the meetings, they would withdraw their love once again. Last summer, his son in law (a smug, self righteous asshole of the first order) confirmed to him that they never had any intention of letting him do The Fade and that if he "wasn't a Witness, then we have nothing in common". What a wonderful self-righteous attitude eh? So he continues on. He not only continues to go to all the meetings, they've broken him to the point where he's now doing something he swore he never would: He goes out in Field Serve-Us to "keep them off my back." I figure it's only a matter of time before they make him re-join the Theocraptic Misery School if he hasn't already.
I do not believe in going back for family. That gives the WTS complete control over your entire life and lets them win. Yes, I can imagine it's hard living like that, but I'm a believer in "standing your ground". I know of many ex-Witnesses who stand their ground, and their JW families eventually seem to soften their stand (usually when they see that you're not going to cave to their demands). Witnesses need to learn to respect other people's beliefs---something that goes completely against what they're taught. IMO, if you go back, all they learn is that if they withhold their love long enough, errant family members who go astray will get so depressed that they'll do anything to keep their family, including going back to their bullshit lies. It's your choice of course, but I'm just telling you what I think.
All I know is that it's very hard and the mind control of this cult is far stronger than any normal family bond.
Your'e right it is. And unfortunately, your wife has displayed where her loyalty lies. One thing I would like to ask: How old are your kids? Are they small or grown? Have you ever tried to talk to your wife about why you no longer believe this is "the truth"? I did a project last year which can be very useful when trying to 'reason' with JW family and friends. If you like, I could either send you a hard copy, or you can download it for free here: http://www.freeminds.org/doctrine/bible/mary-s-project-an-analysis-of-jehovah-s-witness-doctrine.html
Good luck.
