~~ is there a rule that says you have to like your teen's SO? ~~

by chickpea 5 Replies latest social family

• 

  chickpea

  ya know...

  the one "rule that is not a rule" the JWs
  had that i actually thought made sense
  was the one about not "dating" when
  an adolescent....

  my 16 YO son broke off a long distance
  relationship with someone i actually liked....

  he rebounded with someone i actually cannot stand...

  at any rate, he thinks i am hateful for not wanting to
  have to deal with this person and i am saying i get
  to have boundaries about whom it is i will and will not
  allow access to my emotions.....

  let's face it, this person is NOT going to be his life partner
  and, in my opinion, is manipulating him and delighting in
  the friction created in my relationship with my son....
  (as the parent of a now adult kid with borderline personality
  disorder, i recognize manipulation when i see it)

  i do not overtly interfere with his seeing this individual,
  nor to i overly facilitate it... meaning, she lives over an
  hour away and i am not financing his fuel consumption....

  i lend credence to the notion "what you resist, persists"
  so i leave him to it, as much as any 16 YO is allowed...
  but i make no overtures and seriously want none directed
  to me when they are totally unnecessary.... like everytime
  he is on the phone with her to somehow drag me into the
  convo..... (note: they both have cell phones so guess how
  often they are talking to each other, when not texting?)

  i frikkin hate adolescent drama...

  thank zeus he is the caboose on
  THAT misery train....

  any opinions?
• 

  mrsjones5

  No, you don't have to like your child's SO but voicing and making it very apparent that you intensely dislike that person may have the opposite affect of what you want by pushing your child and their SO closer to together. You may be right that this person is totally wrong for your child and a bad person to boot but I think it would be wise to focus on creating a closer relationship with your child so you can be there if this blows up in your child's face.

  Oh and saying "I told you so" is never a good idea.

  Mrs Jones
• 

  restrangled

  Chickpea, I had to laugh....not at you or your current situation. I'm laughing at my own history. My sons grew up without sisters, it was a male dominant house hold. I grew up without sisters and watched my brothers make the same wrong choices.

  Yes, I have kept my mouth shut, but continued to instruct them both about behavior that suggests problems. Slowly but surely they learned, as my words of wisdom came to fruition . There was one instance where I had no tolerance. I was on my son's computer and knew the girl he was seeing at 16 was a user. She started instant messaging thinking it was my son. I told her knock it off it was his mom on line. She refused to believe it and continued with the most horrific, ugly, nasty talk.

  I promptly ripped her a new one....that was the end of the relationship....! (I paid for that for awhile, but got a "thanks mom" later)

  My oldest son, with his last two relationships, found wonderful, darling girls. The latest is the sweetest,.... and I am sorry to say, I am losing him to overseas to be with her, but he could not have chosen a better girl and I wish them the best. He met her on a train in Germany. She comes from a small town in Bavaria, strong family, capable, working on her Masters in Vienna.

  My younger son is still learning. Poor fella, he can't stand drama, and tantrums, and spoiled brats....which leaves little to choose from.

  All you can do is give hints that this or that is going to wind up being a problem without referring to the present girlfriend.....wait, sit back and squirm.

  Chickpea, just wait it out....it will turn out ok....you sound like you are a great mom, and yes, do not facilitate, or get involved unless necessary.

  r.
• 

  chickpea

  well mrs jones, it is too late to avoid saying
  i really dont like this person, because that
  ship has sailed.... but in my defense i never
  initiated the comment unsolicited... i wasnt
  going to lie and say i liked her when asked

  i have a closer relationship with him at this
  age than i did with the older ones who lived
  double lives when mama was still a raging
  lunatic within the confines of the b0rg.....
  (lots of recovery happening there!)

  restrangled, i could laugh too, if this was all
  finally history!! i love that the older ones
  come back around and say "i wish i had listened"
  in fact they oldest ones have told the younger ones
  "listen to mom! she is telling you the truth"....
  i am longing for the day when one of them actually
  says: i am SO glad i listened to you and didnt "go there"

  here is my main concern.... maybe you remember
  that this son is a female to male transgender...
  and this girl's sociology teacher used the front
  page newspaper article about my son's activism
  in safe schools lobbying to open a dialog with his
  students.... little by little she has crept into his life,
  friending on facebook, showing up at multi-school events...

  we live in a small town surrounded by other small towns...
  being queer in the northwoods is isolated and lonely...

  i just dont want him hurt, but i see it coming and he doesnt...

  i bite my tongue, i am civil, but i wont feign any manner of
  kindred feeling, because i dont want an escalation of attempts
  "to win mom over".... arm's length is not nearly far enough

  oh! and i NEVER say i told you so... i man the tissue box and
  cry right along with them
• 

  restrangled

  Chickpea, I didn't realize!!!!!

  My god, the worry and stress you are under I cannot imagine.

  It must be terribly difficult to figure out what your dear child is up against. (No matter how old, they are still your dear children)

  all my best.

  r.
• 

  dinah

  When my daughter broke up with her boyfriend, I think I missed him more than she did. Most of the times I like the boys she chooses.

  As was said before, you voicing your dislike will probably make this girl happy if she likes drama.