God and the golden hemorrhoids

by HappyGuy 10 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  HappyGuy

  I have been on a "totally messed up stories in the Bible" kick lately. Here is one that I uncovered, I don't remember having read it before. Enjoy.

  1 Samuel Chapter 5

  The Philistines, having captured the ark of God, transferred it from Ebenezer to Ashdod.

  2

  They then took the ark of God and brought it into the temple of Dagon, placing it beside Dagon.

  3

  When the people of Ashdod rose early the next morning, Dagon was lying prone on the ground before the ark of the LORD. So they picked Dagon up and replaced him.

  4

  But the next morning early, when they arose, Dagon lay prone on the ground before the ark of the LORD, his head and hands broken off and lying on the threshold, his trunk alone intact.

  5

  For this reason, neither the priests of Dagon nor any others who enter the temple of Dagon tread on the threshold of Dagon in Ashdod to this very day; they always step over it.

  6

  Now the LORD dealt severely with the people of Ashdod. He ravaged and afflicted the city and its vicinity with hemorrhoids; he brought upon the city a great and deadly plague of mice that swarmed in their ships and overran their fields.

  1 Samuel Chapter 6

  The ark of the LORD had been in the land of the Philistines seven months

  2

  when they summoned priests and fortune-tellers to ask, "What shall we do with the ark of the LORD? Tell us what we should send back with it."

  3

  They replied: "If you intend to send away the ark of the God of Israel, you must not send it alone, but must, by all means, make amends to him through a guilt offering. Then you will be healed, and will learn why he continues to afflict you."

  4

  When asked further, "What guilt offering should be our amends to him?", they replied: "Five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice to correspond to the number of Philistine lords, since the same plague has struck all of you and your lords.

  5

  Therefore, make images of the hemorrhoids and of the mice that are infesting your land and give them as a tribute to the God of Israel. Perhaps then he will cease to afflict you, your gods, and your land.

  "God" is one totally messed up dude. Oh, and the reason that the Philistines defeated the Isrealites in the first place was that God allowed the defeat in order to punish the Israelites for something they did that offended God. Yes, one totally messed up dude.
• 

  dudeson

  6. In other news, butt pillows stock up 50% amid growing demand.
• 

  cameo-d

  Sounds a bit like bubonic plague with all the rats running around. Some translations say "tumors" instead of hemmoroids, so perhaps it could be describing buboles?

  Since the pope wears the fish head hat of Dagon....does this mean he is of Philistine lineage?
• 

  Robdar

  What translation were you quoting???

  The mental visual of God smiting them with hemorrhoids has me laughing so hard I am about to wet myself. I'll be back after I calm down.
• 

  HappyGuy

  The root Hebrew word ??? transliterated aphal, pronounced aw-fal literally means "to swell up".

  Various translations translate this word as:

  sores

  tumours

  emorods (KJV adds "... in their secret parts")

  hemmoroids

  When I looked up the word tumour it gave hemmoroids as a synonym.

  The KJV renders it "they had emerods in their secret parts"
• 

  Robdar

  Dudeson:

  6. In other news, butt pillows stock up 50% amid growing demand.

  ROFLMAO!
• 

  HappyGuy

  The quote came from the New American Bible. I checked this scripture against two dozen other Bibles using http://bible.cc/1_samuel/5-6.htm where you can see how parallel translations render the same verse.

  Most of the concordances explain this strange verse by saying that it was "bleeding piles" and that the ancients viewed ailments in the private parts as curses from the gods. The KJV in several places adds ....in their secret parts... after the word emerods.

  From everything I read the sense is definitely of hemmoroids in the "secret parts" and Not bubonic plague.

  The word tumor or tumour rendered in same versions has the sense of scabs or itching or running open sores, not the kind of tumor that modern day people are faimiliar with.

  I think hemmoroid is the correct translation of the word. In ancient times tumor would have been understood to have been a hemorroid like condition.
• 

  yadda yadda 2

  I recently had a bad emerod. Was pretty awful. Itchy too.
• 

  I quit!

  I wonder what a golden hemorroid goes for in todays market.
• 

  Robdar

  I am still laughing over God smiting them with hemorrhoids. What a great way to jack with somebody. If I were God, I probably would have done the same thing, what the hell.

  I think I love the Jewish God even more after reading this.