I was more embarrassed or ashamed. It's hard to explain, but even as a child, something never felt right about it. When I was an adult and trying to adhere to the beliefs that I was raised with, I hid my identity as JW more than I ever publicized it. The only time I ever willingly identified myself as a JW was in the door to door work. Outside of service if I was forced into a situation where I had to admit I was one, it was embarrassing.
I did little things in everyday life that were also telling...like never leaving my Bible or meeting books or bookbags visible in the car. They always went in the trunk or behind the seat in my truck. Nothing WT related was ever left at work. If religion came up in conversation with co-workers, school mates or just people I met somewhere, I avoided getting involved. I knew I was doing these things intentionally and that I shouldn't be ashamed but I couldn't help it.
And yet even as embarrassing as it was, when the doubts no longer stayed submerged and I started researching and learning the real truth, I had a hard time accepting that the religion was wrong. Part of me thought that maybe I just wanted an easy way out so I could rationalize to myself a reason to not accept the WT's authority, like it was my fault somehow.
Lifelong indoctrination into a cult is hard to break and does not happen overnight.
