Just worn out................le sigh

by dinah 9 Replies latest jw friends

  • dinah
    Hi all. I thought it best I stay a lurker. It's just right now, I'm going through some doubts and just plain discouraged. Sometimes, trying to do everything just wears me out, and I feel like I'm suffocating. After the convention this year, I cried for two weeks straight. And really didn't understand why. Well, actually, one big reason for me, is still being a single sister in my mid-thirties. I made the mistake of not marrying by the time I'm 25. And, for some reason, that fact always hits me harder at conventions. All the families sitting around me. And seeing the younger generation pair up. And I feel life has passed me by. Everyone tells me, wait until the new system. It really provides little comfort. It kills my self-esteem. And I just feel unworthy. And I wonder what is wrong with me. After awhile, you start to feel quite unlovable. And when you're my age and still single, I feel left out a lot of times. And because of my doubts and being "spiritually weak" a part of me is worried that it all has been in vain. All I ever wanted was to find a good Witness husband to be my best friend and serve Jehovah together. And, now, I've given up the hope that will ever happen. And now, I'm at a crossroads of sorts. That's why I'm here. Don't know how long I'll stay or what path I'm going to take. I can't make such a serious decision overnight. Sincerely

    Tried to answer on your thread, but the board burped.

    WHY THE HELL are you worried about being single at 30?

  • AllTimeJeff

    It's hard sometimes to know exactly why we feel the way we do sometimes. All I can say is, those feelings are real, no matter how it might seem to others...

    I bet she figures it out.

  • EmptyInside

    Well, because as far as marrying another Witness at 35, the pickings are slim. And the ones my age are dating 20 somethings. And then, I'm not one of those that think any baptized brother will do. I have to be in love. It's seems the only ones checking me out, are the unhappily married brothers. I know to some, I sound whiney, but, marriage is something I wanted my whole life. Well, I have other issues, but, that's a biggie one for me.

  • AllTimeJeff

    Do you feel guilty for wanting to be married? Do you feel that if you married someone you loved as opposed to someone "spiritual" that you are letting everyone down?

  • EmptyInside

    Well, sometimes, I do feel guilty for letting it get to me so much. There are bigger issues in this world. And I never felt I had to marry a ministerial servant or elder. I just wanted someone sincere and who wanted to serve Jehovah to the best of his abilities. I was raised a Witness. And,I admit, when I was younger, I could be a self-righteous snob. But, life happened. My closest friends left and some disfellowshipped. And I realized life is hard. It humbled me. And I have observed, even if someone is a servant, elder, and pioneer, doesn't mean he'll make a good husband. It means sometimes, they can be a real jerk really.

    And to answer, AllTimeJeff's other question, yes, I am concerned how family and friends would react if I married a man who was not a Witness.

  • mrsjones5

    I'm so glad that by the time I started seriously dating I was out of the bOrg. I knew I would never find a husband within the bOrg (not that I really wanted a jw husband *blech*) because I was not good jw wife material, I hated field service, I would not study and answer at the book study or during the wt study, and I refused to sign up and participate in the TMS. Oh and I almost forgot, I never got baptised as a jw.

    When I got out of the bOrg I was plesantly surprised to find out that I was more attractive than I thought I was. Oh sure dating on the outside can start out on superficial terms but at least I didn't have that stupid monkey on my back of not being "spiritual" enough.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is I understand the pain of the lady who posted the original thread. I think I'll post this over there too.


    P.S. Cool she posted over here too. Emptyinside, I do understand your pain.

  • AllTimeJeff

    Thanks for your answers. I appreciate your honesty.

    I was raised a JW myself, and I did get married at 19, to a beautiful pioneer sister. We both stated that we had spiritual goals, and we eventually made it to Gilead in 2005. (119th class. My picture is in the 1/1/06 WT)

    I don't think my experience is the same as yours, but I will tell you a little bit behind the curtain. While we were promoted as examples, etc, our marriage literally rotted due to our never making time for each other. I learned way too late that marrying someone because they had the same spiritual goals means nothing to the success of a marriage. Hey, I could have married a CO with the same goals I did... (but I digress)

    I allowed it to happen, but we grew apart. We were never compatable, and me loving her would never change that fact. Again, my case isn't typical, I know. After I got back from Cameroon after 6 months, we divorced. I didn't cheat on her, I just left due to the clear differences. (I hope you can believe there is a lot more then that, but I thought you should have some idea of where I come from as I talk to you...)

    I learned the hard way that compatability is everything. Do you like sports? Or not? Cooking? Dancing? So should your future husband.

    But don't discount your doubts either. With all respect, if you are having doubts, then you need to resolve those. Otherwise, you could end up with someone who may want a JW wife, (which isn't always a good thing) and find they have something else in you.

    Anyway, ultimately, you can only please yourself. If you please the cong or your family, they will simply move on to the next thing to judge you on. It's just how things work....

    Realize that ultimately, if and when you choose to make yourself happy, and decide and think for yourself, is a decision only you can make. But I can tell you that in my opinion, it is a waste of time to try and make others happy, when in reality, no one has that power. At best, we can only try to be happy ourselves. And to be at peace.

    I wish that for you. :)

  • Hopscotch

    EmptyInside - I can feel the pain coming through your words and am sending you a big hug.

    I was a JW for 40 years and left about 3 ½ years ago. In that time I saw many sisters in a similar situation as yourself, always being told wait until the new system. But the years went by and many of them are now elderly and still single. But just as the problem wasn't that there was something wrong with them, the same is true for you. It is not you. While I was reading your post it reminded me of an article I read very recently (it could have actually been on this site) about emotional blackmail byLauren LaBate, a crisis volunteer. I found these points in the article very interesting.

    They feel insecure, unimportant, unworthy and generally bad about themselves
    They doubt their ideas and needs
    They feel isolated
    They may have consistent physical ailments as a result of the stress
    They always feel as if they in a FOG unable to think clearly as a result of being manipulated to feel Fear, Obligation and Guilt

    WHAT IS NECESSARY TO STOP EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILThe victim must begin to look at the situation in a new way.
    They must detach from their emotions.
    They must realize that they are being blackmailed and that it is not appropriate for the blackmailer to be treating them in that manner.
    They must make a commitment to themselves that they will take care of themselves and no longer allow this abusive treatment.
    They need to see that a demand is being made on them and that it makes them uncomfortable.
    They must determine why the demand feels uncomfortable.
    They must not give into the pressure for an immediate decision.
    They must set boundaries to be able to take time to consider the situation and to look at all of the alternatives to make the decision.
    Finally, they must consider their own needs first for a change, in this process.

    You see EmptyInside I believe that as Jehovah's Witnesses we are emotionally blackmailed all the time with fear and guilt, to the extent that it's easy to end up feeling unworthy, unlovable and that there is something wrong with us, especially if we start to have doubts about what we have been taught all our life as JWs. It's amazing when you actually start to think about it, how much of our lives as JWs are shaped by fear.

    My suggestion to you is to take some quiet time and listen to your inner voice, the one that is speaking from the real you, not the JW you. I'm sure that deep down you know what to do. You deserve, and have the right, to be happy and if your desire and longing is to be married and have a family then you deserve that also.

    Wishing you all the best.


  • EmptyInside

    Thanks for all your kind words. I really appreciate it.

  • is there help out there
    is there help out there

    The botten line is you will never find true with a JW. To a JW male all you will be is a door mat, For you will never come first. Like that growing up as a JW the children always feel that there parent love jahovah more than then, if they love them at all.

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