Do nice people who leave the truth have more friends?

by wouldacouldashoulda 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • wouldacouldashoulda

    Hi Posters

    Something has really been bothering me a lot lately.

    In a nutshell I faded about 4 years ago. The cong I faded from was not my home congregation and did not know me very well. I had two shepherding calls to save me life within weeks and nothing more (I consider myself luckier than some to get that.)

    One of my best friends a well respected elder contacted me after I left. After telling him I would not return he said this meal would be the last time I would ever see him again.

    My most intimate friends stopped returning calls and made it clear that past friendships counted for nothing. I hate to bore you all but really needed to vent. So let me get to my point. I have read 100s if not 1000s of posts and many of you say that you managed to keep in touch with people despite being disfellowshipped or disassociated. Was that because you were such good friends before? Maybe you were just a nicer person?

    My life is so lonely now despite socialising thru every week I have nobody's name to use in case of a medical emergency.

    ANY comments will be appreciated.


  • bluecanary

    Have you read the millions of comments from people whose friends and families totally shun them? I have no friends among the JWs any longer.

    I empathize on the difficulty of making new friends. It's good that you're getting out and doing things with new people. Hopefully you'll find a few that you can forge a bond with.

  • wouldacouldashoulda


    I have those comments too. But evensome of those have nieghbours or a friend at work. Maybe we shd carry out a vote of the next 10 comments or so?


  • Hopscotch

    wcs my husband and I found the same thing happening to us when we started fading 4 years ago after 40 years of being JWs. Dropped like hot potatoes by even our so-called best friends. It has nothing to do with how 'nice' you are as a person. My husband and I whilst JWs were constantly told how kind, generous and hospitable we were but that counts for nothing. On top of that my entire JW family has been shunning us since January this year - even after my father admitted that my husband and I had done more to help him out over the years than any others in the family. Again what you are as a person doesn't count for anything. The only thing that counts is having an active JW label.

    Having your entire social network and family support system ripped out from under you can really shatter your confidence in yourself as a person. It takes time to slowly get out there and try and find new friends but it can be done.

    All the best


  • wouldacouldashoulda

    Thanks hopscotch


    Having a lot of Witness friends means nothing if you leave the WBT$ Cult..

    They disappear faster than a drunk who`s found out he drank your last beer..

    You`ll find new friends..Real friends..


  • shopaholic


    The saying "You have to be a friend to have a friend" is totally true. In the JW world, your social world is created for you. You really don't have to cultivate your friendships because everyone is your "friend". Once you leave the dubs, you have to work at friendships, they're not automatic.

    Also, whether you are a JW or not, it helps to be nice

  • AdaMakawee

    The only reason some people maintain those friendships is because of JWs who don't tow the party line as faithfully or should I say as fanatically as others do. I didn't maintain friends either, but it doesn't have anything to do with how nice you are. I think once you figure out how to make friends outside of the organization you will realize what real friends are. Not that all of them are, by any means, but real friends will stick by you in the tough times, thats how you know.

    I'll tell you one thing, from being in a family where we weren't considered "strong" enough witnesses so that I didn't get to associate with the kids my age inside, and a fanatical mother who made damn sure we never said two words to anyone outside, I can tell you I'm a bit socially retarded. Sorry, its the only word that fits. But even so, I have managed to make some good friends outside.

    Sometimes therapy helps you get past the distrust. But you really have to let go of your fear that all people outside are evil. Actually what you come to find out is that it's about the same percentage as the ones inside (who are evil).

    Good luck!


  • BabaYaga

    One can be a marvelously nice hermit, and still not have any friends. You must make the effort to get out and meet people... and no, I'm not talking about bars!

    The very best way is to volunteer at a charity or organization of your choice. You will meet good and giving people who share your interest in that charity. Working together in that way provides lots of time for conversing, generally.

    And yes, I have far, FAR more friends now! True friends, that I can count on for anything in the world.

    Hugs to you!

  • FlyingHighNow

    Woulda, it takes a long time to build a new life. And when you are an adult, you realize the difference between friendships and aquaintences. Most people don't have tons of friends. It will happen. You need to get involved with people. Join a group, a book club, a support group, a church? Take some classes. If you're like a lot of us, it will be hard to trust people at first, even later. You've been burned by the conditional friendships of the org. It's hard not to believe others will hurt you, too.

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