FUNNY!

by White Dove 10 Replies latest jw friends

  • White Dove
    White Dove

    My daughter was researching self-defense techniques and came across this e-mail sent from a victim to his mugger:

    "This is an excellent Self Defense Story no book or PayPal required.

    To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

    I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

    You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

    I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

    First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

    My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

    Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

    I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

    After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

    I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

    I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

    Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
    Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

    Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

    In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

    Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

    Have a good day!

    Thoughtfully yours,
    Alex"

  • ninja
    ninja

    uh oh

  • jeanniebeanz
    jeanniebeanz

    I've seen this one, but it's just as funny the second time around! lol... Thanks for the Friday afternoon chuckle!

    J

  • ninja
  • White Dove
    White Dove

    It was posted almost two weeks ago! Oh my goodness! I just saw it for the first time today.

  • straightshooter
    straightshooter

    This was so funny. First time I saw it.

    If the story is true, the mugger certainly deserved it.

  • Quandry
    Quandry

    I didn't see it earlier. It is hilarious. Hope the mugger learns a valuable lesson.

  • dissed
    dissed

    Good story, especially funny since I'm on my 2nd beer.

  • zugzwang
    zugzwang

    Here's another one, posted on Craigslist:

    To the guy in my closet, you don't have AIDS

    First off I want to relieve your fears that you probably don't or at least I hope you don't have AIDS.

    When I came home 3 days ago I heard what was obviously mediocre sex going on in my bedroom. Since I quickly made the deduction that someone had probably not broken into my apartment for some quick copulation I figured I had just caught my wife cheating on me which I had long suspected. Your ofish grunts were so loud that I actually had to reopen the door and slam it again for you two to hear me. I stood in the entry for a while as I heard you both scramble before calling out that I was home.

    When I walked into the bedroom my wife had some excuse about having a headache and when asked about the nighty she was wearing she said it was the most comfortable thing she could find. Oh...and btw, I don't know how many affairs that you participate in but a word of advice is that when you hide in the closest from an angry husbands you shouldn't leave a few toes hanging out from under the door. At this point I am in a bit of a predicament.... I could have the typical masculine response and open the door and beat the piss out of you but then you might file charges and quite frankly I just don't really care enough. Not to mention I don't know how big you are and I couldn't think of anything much worse than finding your wife cheating on you and then get pummeled by her new lover. It entered my mind to have some marathon sex and make you stand and watch the whole thing but seeing how she is a dirty whore the idea grossed me out a little. I came pretty close to just hanging out and masterbating but I am glad I went the direction I did.

    So in liue of those options I thought of the funniest thing I could do for my own personal amusement. I sat her down on the bed and looked deeply in her eyes and told her that I had been diagnosed with early stages of AIDS. Recently I have had a series of colds and went to the doctor who told me it was probably just a string of bad luck and it was going around a little bit. The whole thing took about 2 hours and involved a lot of yelling, accusing and crying.

    I felt like I hadn't punished you quite enough, even though I fully acknowledge that it really isn't your fault at all, so I told her that the illness was making me tired so I needed to lay down. I could hear her on the phone making an appointment with the doctor and I could hear you rustling around in the closest. You did a great job holding still seeing how you probably aren't used to standing in a 3'x4' closest for hours and hours on end but if I hadn't already known you were there you would have been caught for sure.

    After about another hour of laying in bed thinking of what I was going to do I felt sorry for you to be mixed up in this crazy thing so I said I was going to go fill the prescriptions the doctor gave me and left the apartment so you could leave. I hope that you weren't too uncomfortable in there and actually felt a little guilty about it later.

    Anyways, I put this in missed connections because I actually wouldn't mind taking you out and buying you a drink. After all that is some funny stuff to laugh about and you are saving me thousands in alimony since my wife cheated and the least I can do is repay you for a $4.00 beer.

    Again no hard feelings and best of luck!

    BTW, you might still want to get your self tested since my wife is a dirty whore.
  • Lillith26
    Lillith26

    LMAO- Love It!

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