Dealing with mom.....

by wonderwoman77 5 Replies latest jw experiences

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  wonderwoman77

  Well today I spent Christmas at my dad's, but when I got home I had a disturbing message from my mom. For you that know me, you know my mom has borderline personality disorder and is difficult to deal with at most times. I had planned on actually seeing her before christmas, but everytime I tried to call her she was not home, so I was not able to. Well she called me saying she was hoping to see me, but she understood, and said then said at least she thought she did, by this time she was crying....

  I called her back. It made me cry. I want nothing more than to have a relationship with her, but I know that I cannot. She hurts me over and over. I can have a distanced relationship with her, but that is about all. It is so hard to explain. I know I am the one that sounds like a bitch because I did not go see my mom on xmas. But she lives with a guy that is abusive, that has threatened me before. It is so hard, and she looks so unhappy, everytime I see her, I can tell she is hurting inside and that tears me up. I hate that things have to be this way. I wish I could change it, so that I could just have a normal relationship with her. That is all I want, why is that too much to ask?????
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  LB

  It's not too much to ask at all. I'm no relationship expert but to be honest I'm not sure what you really can do to change things. But, things will change, they always do. Maintain as much contact as you reasonably can with your mom.

  Sorry it was so rough today.

  
  Never Squat With Yer Spurs On
• 

  ashitaka

  My wife has a mother that sounds much like yours. Keep as far away as you can, but if you feel the need to associate with her, by all means call her, but be prepared for the consequences.

  ashi
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  Scully

  wonderwoman...... now I know how you came to have this name!!

  Borderline Personality Disorder is very likely THE MOST emotionally destructive personality disorders known to humankind. My heart goes out to you. I have only had to deal with such people in a nurse-patient relationship, and I'm sure you could teach me more than I could ever hope to learn from textbooks and professional experience.

  I can only imagine how hard it is to distance yourself from your mom. Borderlines are notoriously manipulative and resistant to treatment. They seem to have no conscience, no moral capacity for honesty. They have been known to comply with treatment regimens so long as it suits their current needs for companionship and affirmation; once they decide they can achieve those goals elsewhere, the treatment goes out the window. Yes your mom is mentally ill and unstable, and in some respects is not responsible for what happens between her neurons. However, she is aware that treatment is available so that she can achieve as normal a life as possible for her to have, one where she can enjoy a decent relationship with you. Instead she chooses a path whereby she continues to hurt you. I feel sad for you, and pity for her. You are an incredibly strong person.

  I understand also the conflict you no doubt experience regarding 'cutting her out' of your life -- it smacks so much of the JW concept of DFing/shunning. However, in this case, her behaviour is dangerous for you on so many levels. And if you have children, it's just as dangerous for them. Being DFd for disagreeing with the Truth-du-jour of the WTS is one thing; keeping someone who is supposed to love you from abusing and manipulating you emotionally is quite another.

  Wish I could give you a huge HUG..... I know you need one!!
  Love, Scully

  It is not persecution for an informed person to expose a certain religion as being false. - WT 11/15/63
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  waiting

  (((((((((dear wonderwoman)))))))))))

  My therapist guessed that my now dead mother was a border-line personality. I lived in Indiana - and she moved to California. It was probably one of the best things that happened to me.

  I would send her a gift box of all kinds of small gifts wrapped up individually once every quarter (being a jw at the time - we don't DO holidays). She loved the attention. I got a call from her. I didn't actually have to deal with her. Was grandparent/grandkid in reverse.

  And it worked. I understood what was happening and it was ok. Because otherwise to deal with the woman was like fingernails on a chalkboard.

  Good luck with your mom. At best, moms can be tiresome to the soul. I know....I have three grown kids. They tell me so.

  waiting
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  wonderwoman77

  Thank you all for you commments. It really helped for me to get on here and read some of the comments.

  Scully--thanks for being so understanding and for the hug. IT is very hard to be in a relationship with my mom. It was a lot harder as a child and a teenagers, because I did not understand what was going on, but now I know and I am educated and I can protect myself to a degree from getting sucked in by her manipulation. Today it was just hard. This is the 2nd christmas I spent without her. I tried to see her before, but it is just too hard. A part of me really wants to, but then knows it will be really really hard. I have come through a lot with dealing with our relationship. I spent 2 years in counseling and have grown a lot in the last 1 just through grad school. I think I will make it someday...

  Waiting--Thanks for the hug. I am sorry about your mom, it is a hard thing to deal with. Do you still live in Indiana. That is where I live. Take care

  Thanks again everyone...

  WW