Talking to the parental units again...let's see what happens

by mrsjones5 9 Replies latest social family

  • mrsjones5
    mrsjones5

    A few weeks ago my father started coming by and dropping off fruit for the kids. Most times when he would come by I wasn't home. Then a couple of weeks ago my father stopped by at about 7:30am and invited me to breakfast at IHOP with my mother. I accepted and took my oldest son. It was pleasant, my father only got in one dig and I didn't respond to the bait. After that my parents called and asked if they could take the kids out to a movie. I said fine and the kids went. My parents just got back from a cruise (I didn't know they had went) and my father calls me up on Tuesday and says that we need to communicate better. Now what my father means when he says "communicate" is he gets to spout off and say whatever he wants whether it's true or not and mostoften hurtful and I just have to take it. But again I didn't rise to the bait, I let him say his piece and hung up the phone. My mother calls yesterday and said that I had been on her mind. She knew my father had called and she mentioned that she wanted to call me too. My father said what for? Josette is a lost cause. My mother said she was not of that opinion and really wanted to start talking to me again. We had a good conversation. I'm cool with all this, well not so cool with my father but what can I do? I'm willing to work on getting us back to close to how we used to be (I was always closer to my mother than my father which is funny cuz my mother can drive me crazy) with boundaries in place. It's gonna take time.

    Oh, I think I have some inkling on why my father is acting like he is now...he's going to pioneer next month.

    Josie

  • journey-on
    journey-on
    Oh, I think I have some inkling on why my father is acting like he is now...he's going to pioneer next month

    Oh boy. You are easy Time for him. When my sister calls, invariably she will get around to quoting at least one scripture and I know she does this so she can in good conscious count the time she spent talking to me. He's got to get you buttered up first.

    Still, you'll miss them when they're gone, so maybe you can endure it as long as you don't allow them to cross your boundaries.

  • mrsjones5
    mrsjones5

    My father knows better than to start that tripe up with me. I have been thinking about how much time I have left with them, my father is 68 and my mother is 65. Neither is in the best of health. I do wonder how my father is going to get in his hours, he's been having problems with both of his legs and his back.

  • bluecanary
    bluecanary

    Mrs Jones you are an awesome woman.

  • BadBettie
    BadBettie

    To relatives, I look them dead in the eye and laugh in a friendly way saying "I hope you're not counting time by talking to me because it sure doesn't count!"

    I've only caught 2 so far, and they ended up not doing it because my mentioning it alone brought forth fear and guilt. Then I felt kinda bad.

    To witnesses that troll me on forums that are nothing to do with religion, I post in the thread "Gee I sure hope you aren't counting time". I have told friends to do this too on forums and continue to remind my time counting ex friends and relatives in an effort to:

    1) bring up the fact that many relatives count time, as do people that "preach online"

    2) Make them realise I am a person, not a stepping stone to them receiving positive re enforcement.

    3) Get rid of witnesses on sites/relatives that freak right out if anything is even slightly mentioned in a negative way in relation to witnesses, I am referring to the kind that are there to/call to preach, not share ideas or solve conflict.

    If your father feels that you are a lost cause, you could always come back the next time with, "Why do you think I feel the way I do?" you may get the canned "It's Satan" response, but if you take the following measure you may have success.

    Before that , you need to make it clear, you are his child, and if he as your father gives you the canned response or a response the society gives him as opposed to a well thought out answer specifically tailored to you, for anything you discuss, he is acting out of reflexive answer and not reasoning or loving consideration for you and your emotional well being.

    I have pointed this out to some of my JW family members with moderate success. I even got a "Wow, I never ever thought of it that way, you're right", others have reacted with a scoff and an abrupt end but they came back a bit later with a more open attitude.

    I am not a professional or anything so my advice isn't guaranteed but it is something else to try. Many people don't realise they have a canned response for things. I used to have canned responses until I realised it is rare 2 people have the exact cirumstances and feelings. So it is better to measure them as people based on what they are and say, not what we perceive they are, or perceive they are thinking.

    I tolerated being yelled at "WHAT DO YOU REALLY BELEIVE?" (they were very very frustrated, so okay) right after I left the church for about a year. I didn't even know....I think I'm starting to know now though, and it isn't their way. I still haven't talked it out with my family. I will probably need several more months before I have the right insight/have digested the thought process to discuss it freely and openly.

    That and I need to know the true history behind the WTS to be able to assess it as a religious organization, even with things they have said by their own submission that is current doctrine.... I don't feel right going along with much of that.

  • mrsjones5
    mrsjones5

    "Mrs Jones you are an awesome woman. "

    Thank you Blue

    I don't know if the "lost cause" comment had anything to do with my not being a jw (it could) but I took it to mean that I'm not responding to my father that way he wants me to. I don't know why that is such a surprise to my father cuz as I look back on my life I've never acted the way he's wanted me to, since age five and believe you me we've had many many run-ins because I wasn't acting the way he wanted me to act or look (my father thinks I'm no great beauty and yes he's said it to my face).

    Josie

  • flipper
    flipper

    MRS. JONES- I'm sorry you have to deal with that from your dad. I get along better with my mom as well as although she is a witness- she's not as cult mind controlled as my dad. My dad's an elder so he tows the company line more. I feel for what you go through- any relationship with witness relatives is challenging at best. Hang in there ! Look forward to seeing you folks soon

  • mrsjones5
    mrsjones5

    Thank you Flipper

  • AK - Jeff
    AK - Jeff

    Glad to see you working at it, Jos. I know it can't be easy to do.

    You are right - your folks won't be around forever. And as much a pain in the ass as they might be - God only gave you one set to work with. I wish you all the best in your effort to make it work as well as possible.

    Do you know how many times I have kicked myself that Wifey and I did not make an effort to see you guys more before you left? Our state is still making that sucking sound that happened right after you left.....

    Jeff

  • mrsjones5
    mrsjones5

    Aw Jeff, the hubby and I were just saying the other day how much we miss Indiana

Share this

Google+
Pinterest
Reddit