Radical Civility--Can Rudeness Ever Be Polite?

by VIII 6 Replies latest jw friends

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  VIII

  Can Rudeness Ever be Polite? (The Answer is NO)

  As for the bad news, My Lovely Wife and I witnessed something that shows how those who demand civility risk committing the worst sort of incivility. On Saturday night we went to a Thai restaurant on Rockville Pike that we'd never been to before. It was not a fancy place and it was immediately apparent it was popular with families.

  A toddler in a nearby booth gave off an ear-splitting banshee wail periodically, the sort of noise a kid makes just because he likes to make that noise. Neither parent seemed much interested in saying, "Inside voice" or "Honey, please don't do that."

  On the other side of us was a table filled with several families, and kids ranging from 6 or 7 down to a newborn baby. I really hadn't noticed them until a 50ish woman at a table across from ours wheeled around in her chair and shouted at the children: "Will you be quiet! This isn't a @*ing McDonald's!"

  My wife and I stared at each other slackjawed. First of all, it sort of was a @*ing McDonald's. I mean, there were waiters and a nice decor but the fact that it was filled with families suggested it was a place that welcomed them. Secondly, the kids weren't being that bad. But most importantly, screaming at other people's children--swearing at them--is rude. It's ruder than being a noisy kid.

  The woman, who was dining with a man, kept muttering about how poorly-behaved the kids were. "It's not the kids' fault," she kept saying. "I blame the parents."

  A woman from the other table came over and said in a reasonable voice that she didn't like the way the woman had spoken to her children. "I'll talk to them however I like," the aggrieved woman screamed back. "It's after 8 o'clock. I should be able to enjoy a nice meal without them waking me up."

  "Waking me up"?

  To her credit, the mom didn't escalate. She walked calmly back to her seat.

  My wife decided that the complaining woman was drunk. That wouldn't excuse her behavior, though it might explain it. What could she have done differently? I suppose she could have asked the server if they might move to a different table, though given the numerous families I don't think anywhere was kid-free. I suppose she could have made a reasonable and specific request to a grown-up at the other table: "This little boy is kicking my chair. Can he trade seats with you?" Or something like that.

  But, really, I think she should have just ignored it, just as my wife and I ignored the jungle-bird shriek of the toddler near our booth. Asking someone to be civil by being rude destroys any credibility you might have. Also, when it's something involving kids, the stakes are immediately higher. There are very few good ways of telling someone you think he or she is a bad parent. Impromptu parenting tips should be delivered in only he most dire circumstances: "Sir, I wish you wouldn't beat your daughter in the grocery store." "Ma'am, I'm worried that by playing on the escalator, your son may lose a digit."

  Something similar happened when I was at a hardware store over the weekend. I had to buy some rust-proofing primer and spray paint and as I was finishing up with the cashier I heard an older man nearby grumble loudly: "Don't take bags. Don't take bags." I think he was speaking to those of us in line. He sounded really mad, then he said to a woman next to him "They take those bags and they're just going to throw them away when they get home."

  He must have meant the plastic bags the cashiers were putting our purchases in. I guess the old was worried about the environment. Well, good for him. But admonishing strangers in line not to take bags--in an exasperated tone of voice that was not at all friendly--is not going to bring people around to his cause.

  These incidents reminded me that Radical Civility shouldn't be used as a way of expressing superiority or browbeating someone else. They also reminded me that sometimes you have to just grin and bear it, whether it's a kid you think is being annoying or people putting their newly-bought cans of spray paint in a plastic bag.

  http://voices.washingtonpost.com/commons/2009/07/being_rude_to_be_polite.html

  This column seems timely.
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  palmtree67

  Very good thought-provoking article.

  How should rudeness be handled, then? Any suggestions?

  I don't agree that it should always be ignored.
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  Scully

  When my children were small and we wanted to go to a restaurant for dinner, we chose establishments that were "kid friendly". They had crayons and special kids' menus that the children could colour. Sometimes we'd order appetizers for the children, so they would be served first and could take their time eating, while we were happy to wait a little longer for our meals. They also tended to offer faster service time, to diminish the chances that the kids would get antsy before dinner was served. Not that our children were perfect - they were just children, with the same attention spans as other children - but they learned to behave appropriately in restaurants. If they started getting over tired, and began misbehaving, we'd quickly call the wait staff over and ask for everything to be packed up to go, and paid our bill before the children got out of control and disturbed other customers.

  Other times we would order take out style meals and bring them home, but set up the table to look like we were eating in a restaurant (fancy tablecloth and place settings) and let them know we were going to pretend to be eating in a "fancy" restaurant. They got to practice their "restaurant manners" in a controlled environment, and it seemed to work - they learned where the napkin goes, they learned to use their "indoor voice" and ask politely for things to be passed to them. The "game" translated into learned behaviour.

  When I see families struggling with their children to try to have a nice meal in a restaurant, they have my sympathy. If I say anything to them, it's along the lines of "it gets easier with practice, hang in there". Goodness knows they've probably had more than enough disapproving glares from others.
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  Farkel

  The most tactful way to deal with that skanky 50 year old bitch is to shout, "I hope you have no children. God help them and this planet if you do, wench!"

  Not really. I would have just walked over to her table and shoved her plate of rice up her nose.

  As VII said, there are tactful ways to handle situations like this.

  Farkel
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  Scully

  There's the Farkel I know and love.
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  mrsjones5

  When I was growing up one of the best things my parents taught us was how to eat at a table. My father reasoned that good manners should be learned at home in preparation for eating out. My parents always received compliments on how well behaved and what good table manners their children had when we went out. I practice the same with my children, even Joshua who has issues with large groups or crowds (tends to set him off). My kids are not perfect by a long shot, when we go out I can't let certain ones sit by each other and either my hubby or I has to sit by Joshua. Kids are so much better behaved if they are prepared and made aware of the polite way to act in public. Oh and when Joshua was in his piercing screaming stage we ate out less.

  Josie
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  VIII

  Sorry for the formatting on that article, as I copied and pasted it looked OK; when I looked at it, part of it turned blue with underlines and I can't figure out how to Undo that portion.

  Over the years, I have grown more impatient with everyone. Then I realize that I probably have annoyed people just as much as they have annoyed me and I don't want to do that. So, while I try not to be rude, I also try to be polite and not have people think I'm rude.

  I don't want to tell people they are being rude unless they ask specifically for my opinion. I especially don't want to confront strangers. Doing that during FS all those years taught me that I am not good at it and growing up where I am has taught me survival.

  I purchased a book on etiquette. It is the 17th edition of Emily Post's book simply called Etiquette. Page 37 has *The Art of Responding* to Rudeness. Below is from her book:

  The decision is whether to respond or not. It all depends on the type of rudeness. Most people are loath to challenge rudeness because they're fearful that even a minor confrontation might easily escalate; in fact, a national survey conducted by Public Agenda showed that most of those who've been offended just walk away.

  How do you go about speaking up if you're determined to take a stand? Very carefully. Responding in kind (i.e., answering with something just as bad) serves only to spur more unacceptable behavior, which can then spin out of control. There's also the safety issue to consider, even with someone you know. Getting into a tangle with a person prone to violence could put you into real danger.

  The lesson here is to kill them with kindness. By keeping your cool, you're teaching by example, much as a parent does for a child. Good behavior is catching; the more you display it, the more it spreads. This doesn't mean becoming a doormat; it does mean you can defuse a situation without wrangling over who's right or wrong.

  Sometimes, sympathizing with the other person--just expressing your understanding of why an incident occurred--is all it takes. On an airplance, for example, you politely tell a parent that his youngster is kicking the back of your seat and the parent comes back with an angry retort. Your calm response: "Please don't shout. I know the space is tight and kids will be kids, but, your daughter has been kicking my seat since we boarded. I'd really appreciate it if you would ask her to stop. Thanks."

  Other things to consider when someont has been rude to you:

  Don't automatically take it personally. Sometimes the offender has had a terrible day or is simply in a bad mood. Give them the benefit of the doubt by imagining what they may be going through.

  Size up your annoyances. Sometimes it is simply bes to let things go. Will making a point to the person who's using her credit card in a line with too-big--to-miss sign that says "Cash Only" accomplish anything or will it be a waste of your emotional energy?

  Take responsibility for your own emotions. Ask yourself whether you did something to provoke the treatment. If you speak sharply to a bank teller because you had a bad day, it's no wonder you won't get the best service.

  Mentally count to ten. Whenever someone else's behavior makes you angry, forget about them and focus on yourself or something else for a few seconds. Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself, "Is it really worth blowing my stack over this?"

  Use Humor. Countering a friend's comment that "you look terrible" with a sarcastic retort like "How kind of you to say so." is preferable to "Well you look pretty bad yourself." Another tactic is to laugh it off--literally. Just chuckle and change the subject.

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  The book has more.

  I have dealt with the kid kicking me on an airplane and it worked fine. The parent was very nice and the child stopped. For a little while. I figured a little while was better than not at all. The Mom kept trying to get the kid to stop and when the drink cart came along that distracted the little tyke. Thank god.