My brother is having doubts about the BORG... NEED HELP...

by cognac 13 Replies latest jw friends

  • cognac

    He was abused by my Dad really bad... I'm talking a broken nose, black eyes, black and blues all the time... My Dad was a PO for years and was one during the whole time he was abusing us. Of course, he was the worst with my brother. My brother has always denied it and said it wasn't as bad as it was.

    Well, my sil told me he was alone with my Dad recently and the started having all these flashbacks... Finally, he basically had a breakdown...

    He said that he couldn't understand how if this was Jehovah's org how my father could have been put in a position in the hall. He's not even sure if he believes in Jehovah...

    I'd like to say something to him but I'm not sure what to say... Any thoughts?

  • oompa

    Be there with him through the breakdown, and help him deal with the dad/abuse issue. Maybe you can tell him to deal with one thing at a time......the JW aspec pales when compared to the abuse and should perhaps be addressed later......your dad could have been of any faith and still been this same horrible father to sorry for your entire family........oompa

  • kitten whiskers
    kitten whiskers

    I think Oompa is very wise here. My heart goes out to you and your dear brother and his wife.

  • cognac

    Thanks Oompa and kitten... I'm not sure what even to say to him about it. It's very odd because nobody will ever talk about it. Nobody has ever even really confronted my father about it. Everybody acts like it never happened or it wasn't really that bad...

    I feel like I've dealt with it for myself and moved on, but I don't know how to address it with my brother, father, mother, etc.

  • mindmelda

    I have PTSD. The flashbacks he's having that are triggered by being around his abuser are typical of PTSD. It's often induced by ongoing abuse.

    He needs to deal with this or he could really get in a bad way, even suicidal.

    I think the best thing is just to let people come to these realizations themselves, that disillusionment is like a wake up call, as painful as it may be.

    Just let him vent and nod a lot. Validate his pain, (and yours) that's the best thing you can do for someone in his situation. It was the elephant in the room that no one talked about, which is typical, but it has to come out one way or another.

  • jamiebowers

    While I agree with what everyone else has said so far, please let me add one thing. If your brother starts to think that he was the cause for the abuse, someone needs to make it clear to him that that is not the case. After being sexually abused as a child and physically abused as a jw wife and df'd, I thought there was something particularly nasty about me that brought such vile attention. I also thought Jehovah saw that nastiness and allowed it to happen. The best thing to do is encourage him to get professional help.

  • flipper

    COGNAC- I agree with Jamiebowers - the best thing for your brother is to get professional help. The WT society and elders don't understand how deep the damage is psychologically to someone who is a victim of abuse - especially suffering it at the hand of a family member like a father or mother. He needs to see a therapist who is not only familiar with abuse - but a therapist who is familiar with religious cults and their winking their eyes at such abuse. Many in the witness cult have been pushed to suicide by their abuse being neglected and not dealt with. This is serious. Your brother won't get any help from the elders - so don't have him go to them for christ's sake. All they will do is say your dad was " imperfect " and everybody makes mistakes. Ridiculous. I'm so sorry your brother is hurting. I wish I lived closer - I'd reach out to him to help. But yes, definitely get him a therapist pronto. Hang in there, Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • HintOfLime
    I think Oompa is very wise here.

    Oompa over the past few months has been a wonderful example of how a person distraught and nearly incomprehensible out of anguish can learn to accept the cards they were delt, and begin the journey to an unburdened, unconflicted, and understanding individual.

    Sometimes living requires some confusing and painful realizations.

    - Lime

  • cognac
    It was the elephant in the room that no one talked about, which is typical, but it has to come out one way or another.

    Yeah, I really hope it does come out. He was in such denial about it that when times got tough for him he and his wife moved back in for a bit til things got better. They are still there. Because of that, his wife told him not to confront his father about it. She told him wait til they move out. I told her that they can live with us. I'm afraid that because he didn't confront it then when he was willing to admit it, that he might not do it now...

  • cognac

    Thanks Jamie and Flipper. - I don't think he blames himself but he does self medicate through alcohol. My sil said she was going to get him a book. Therapy is a much better idea... thanks.

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