Subj: Mindchild’s Christmas letter to the GB
-----------------
Dear Members of the Governing Booty and all the rest of you anointed guys:
Listen you fat little trolls, I've been helping you out every year, by helping to clean up the messes you have been making in people’s lives, to encourage people to get over the great pain they have when they realized how badly you screwed them over and now I have to put up with lots of angry ex-dubs at my favorite online watering hole who haven’t learned to release their pain yet, and they are just making for one too many unhappy flame wars…I hate to break it to you GB boys, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes at your end by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown of your collective (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it)
So, here is my holiday wish list you turkeys:
1. I want you guys to start wearing 2nd and 3rd hand clothing, and make your wardrobe as ugly as you possibly can with stained and oversized sweat pants, socks that don’t match, and a T-shirt that says “What New Light?” I’m getting sick of seeing Jehovah’s Witnesses think that demons live in old clothes and being fearful to buy them because that is all they can afford because of giving you guys all their money. Maybe now you will know what it feels like to be poor S.O.B.’s.
2. Still thinking about clothes, I want you to have a Watchtower on why you guys became worse than the Pharisees and are so damn nit-picky about what people wear. I want to see you lighten up and make meeting attendance clothing optional and I mean people can come in nude if they want. Just get off your high horses and imitation “Holier Than Thou” snotty attitudes and don’t sweat the small stuff.
3. I want you to work on making the dubs real people again. You need to let them know they are humans and not the most God damned important people in the universe. You need to make them understand that the more they repress their sex drive, the crazier they get. If I’m going to have to suffer from your shameless exploitation of women as well, tell them they can be as horny as hell when they leave the Borg and I will be waiting for them.
4. Start a nation wide diet program for the dubs. They have been sitting around too long in the donut shops while out pedaling your propaganda and it is time to get them all in shape again.
5. Make masturbation something that is required of all JW’s. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. Encourage dubs to get new careers. Toilet cleaners and landscapers just don’t cut it. How about mental health counselors, and therapists because they are going to have their hands full from all the dubs who go crazy when they find out you guys have been jerking them off?
7. How about offering the stock options to your empire only to ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses? This way all of us former suckers who spent our lives kissing your collective asses can have something to show for it besides sour grapes? I think we deserve it.
8. I also think you should start a big campaign to say how sorry you are for bringing reproach upon little Blue Smurfs and claiming they are demonized. Every dub should have one in their home to remind them of how easy it is to be fooled when they have blind faith.
9. I save my biggest requests for major changes in your stupid doctrines that are killing people because of not taking blood, getting them killed because of persecution, and people so distraught with your gross lies and hypocrisy that they kill themselves in despair. This part ain’t funny you assholes.
10. Finally, this year I want you to stop wasting so many tree’s printing your worthless drivel and instead require all publishers to plant 10 trees a month, each pioneer to plant 70, and you guys go climb them.
Okay GB’s, that’s it. Considering my and other ex-JW’s valuable contributions in making the world a better place after you guys screwed it up, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you spiritual bimbo’s can quit and go get yourself a real life. It’s that simple.
Yours truly,
Mindchild