FOR THOSE CONSCIOUS OF THEIR SPIRITUAL NEED!

by Bill Parker 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • Bill Parker
    Bill Parker

    FOR THOSE CONSCIOUS OF THEIR SPIRITUAL NEED!

    Wednesday, November 28, 2001

    I can remember that prior to my study of the Bible I never gave a thought to my conduct and actions. That was a concern far from my thoughts. It never even crossed my mind.

    I must admit too, looking back on my life that my conduct and actions hurt many people. My own Mother told me one day: “Bill do you know how awful you are?” At the time I did not give that statement much thought. But those words were burned into my memory to later come back and haunt me.

    As my study of the Bible progressed I really began to get a first hand look at myself and I began to become very troubled about what I had been like in the past. Like a continuous movie, events of my life would keep flashing into my mind and my Mothers words that were etched into my mind would keep repeating themselves. “Bill do you know how awful you are?”

    As I continued with my study my life instead of getting better was becoming even more intolerable. As my knowledge increased so did my anxiety because of my awareness now of just how sinful I had been, and was even now. The fact that I seemed to have a certain propensity to sinning even though I now knew it was displeasing to Jehovah was what was most troubling of all.

    I cannot remember leaving a meeting feeling good about myself. The meetings always seemed to tear me down rather than build me up. At many of the big assemblies I would leave just to sit in my car because of hearing things that would even more deeply trouble me.

    I reached a particular plateau of knowledge and then it just seemed to stop. Some of the things that I believed, {and I was told that I must believe them on pain of Disfellowshipping} were then changed to something else. Then later changed again. IN some cases this went on many times. If I myself personally were to change any of the teachings and I was heard expressing myself to someone else something contrary to what I was being taught. There would have been a judicial meeting. Anyone in this situation was expected to repent of his or her wrongdoing or be removed. A process of “marking” and “shunning” would follow this. And has actually destroyed many family arrangements. So it was all right for them to change teachings but no one else dared try it!

    AS troubled as I was these actions only caused me more grief. I knew something was wrong but I was not certain exactly what it was. So it added to the anxiety that was already too much for me to bear.

    As I sat in the meetings listening to the speakers announcing that this one or that one whose “love for Jehovah” was so great that they were going to “be “special pioneers” or “regular pioneers” ect,ect. Then I watched as these one’s were given all of the privileges in the congregations. They were always on the platform telling of their experiences. While many others were relegated to the lowest position. This also added to my anxiety. Now I had to be concerned with the fact that because I could not at the time follow a like course I of course did not Love Jehovah as much as those. So away I went those evenings feeling even lower than before. More troubled!

    Being as aware of my sinful condition as I was I would go to Jehovah in prayer many times. I would honestly confess to all of my sins to Him. I was at times very specific mentioning to Him exactly what the particular weaknesses were. Then I would ask for the help I needed in gaining the mastery over them so that I could be found pleasing to Him as I walked before Him.

    No answers as far as I could tell ever came. The anguish and torment continued. I was in an upset state almost all of the time, without letup.
    I reached a point in my life that I wanted to die. I wanted to get from under the heavy burden that I was carrying. I prayed to Jehovah many times to end my life so that I could finally be at peace. I’m still alive so that prayer was never answered. I had sat in silence for years in the various congregations that I attended listening to things being taught that the Bible did not support.

    One night at a Book Study I had had enough. The study was in the Revelation Book. It was discussing the “coming cry of “Peace and Security.” The elder conducting the Book Study was summing up adding his comment. In actuality though all he was doing was parroting the Society’s interpretation that was not scripturally sound. I put my hand up after his comment and told him in the presence of all that what he had just stated was not correct! At that point he became very belligerent. He said in an angry tone “I am the Book Study conductor here.” Then he said I will speak to you about this later in private.” I stood up looked him in the eye and told him to “conduct away.” Then I just walked out. He was supposed to speak to me first alone as the Bible directs. Instead he went to another elder who in turn phoned me. He said: “Are you challenging the faithful Slave?” Then he said: “Do you want to leave the truth?” Then I heard: “When are you going to start celebrating birthdays?” At that point I had taken enough insults. I threatened to rearrange his face and hung up on him.

    The following Sunday during the Watchtower study I tried many times to make a comment. My hand was simply ignored. After the study I went to the Elder who I had spoken to on the phone and asked him if I “was barred from commenting?” He told me that I could comment but I was to “keep my opinions to myself!” Away went my rights and freedom’s under Canada’s Charter. I was told not “to go beyond what was written in the Watchtower.” I told them later in a letter to them, that it was the Bible the Apostle Paul commanded us not to go beyond. But they put the Watchtower articles before Jehovah’s word of truth. With that statement he violated every one of my rights and freedoms under Canada’s Charter. I left that day never to return again. I received one visit from them later. They rang my enter-phone and said they wished to speak with me. They owed me an apology. I had neither done nor said anything wrong at all. They were the one’s in the wrong. I said: “ Is this visit about the apology you owe me”. I received a gruff “No!” I then told them to “Get Lost!” They complied.

    The empty years that followed were a time of turmoil that I could never describe to anyone. My life was a time of unbelievable upheaval. Only someone who has been through the same thing would understand what I am saying here.

    I began to study and research alone. I spent many days, many hours many years pouring over the pages of the Bible as well as articles that I retrieved from the Internet and the Library. I gathered a huge amount of information about so many people who had been seriously hurt by the Watchtower Society and their Wolf like elder arrangement. As well as historical evidence that proved beyond all doubt that the particular stand that I was taking on the cry of “Peace and Security was correct beyond all doubt. AS I read their stories and looked at the inserted scriptures some of them used to prove why they believed they were treated unjustly I was finally able to piece it all together. At the end of this study I knew why my knowledge never progressed. I had been allowing others to do my thinking for me. I was accepting all of the teachings of the Society as though they were carved in stone. I was in fact violating Bible principles by doing that.

    Jehovah had instructed me and all other lovers of truth through the mouth of the Apostle John with these words: “Do not believe every inspired utterance but test the inspired utterance to see if it originates with God for many false prophets have gone out into the world.” Then in Romans 12:2 I focused on these words: … “Prove to yourself the good and acceptable and perfect will of God” … Then for my third biblical witness are these words at 1 Thessalonians 5: 21 “Make sure of all things” … In all of that I learned that all of us, in order to fully please Jehovah must before accepting any scriptural teaching follow all of that scriptural direction. We do not just blindly accept everything we are being taught by religious leaders today. That is true because all of us stand alone before the” judgment seat of God”. We will be judged individually on the basis of the knowledge we possessed and how we conformed from the heart to our own understanding of the scriptures. Romans 14: 10,12

    Only recently because I was so troubled and because I began to think that I must have committed the Sin against the Holy Spirit I began to pray in earnest. Since I believed that not one of my prayers all through that troubled period had been answered. I asked Jehovah in prayer if that actually was the case. Then I asked Him that if it was, to show me that it was and that He wanted to have no more to do with me. Then I would refrain from any more prayer and trouble Him no longer.

    Shortly after I came into contact with someone who worked very closely with the Governing Body. He had left the organization. I am not certain of the circumstances in his case. We began communicating with one another through E-mails. I found that this individual had a great depth of knowledge. As I began reading his E-mails I found he possessed a very unloving attitude. He had little kindness compassion or love for certain fellow humans. He was judging others as “haters of God and his word the Bible” That is the point that I corrected him on. I believe that none of us are the appointed judges. I believe that the business of judging belongs to Jehovahs appointed judge. I told him that. I used the Bible to do that. The words that I spoke to him were not my words. They were from the pages of the Bible. In his last E-mail to me he called me a “liar” he called me “stupid” he said that I “was an evil man.” Of course now I was really feeling bad about myself.

    After thinking about it for awhile I began to see I too was sadly lacking in those qualities, although as the years went by I notice a change coming over me. I was ever so slowly developing a very caring attitude towards others. Even though I possessed much anger a gradual change in attitude was going on within me. I find now that because of all of the adversities that I have been suffering I have a little more understanding. I have a little more love. I am slowly becoming conscious of the need to show kindness to others. When I started to think about all of the changes that were slowly being made my mind for some reason went to the scripture at Hebrews12: 6 I turned to that scripture and began reading it. At that point I realized that Jehovah had been answering every prayer that I ever uttered. I realized then what had actually been going on in my life. That scripture in Hebrews 12:5,6 reads: “and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as Sons, “MY SON DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISIPLINE OF THE LORD NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM; FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE HAS RECEIVED”

    What many have been going through was foretold in Malachi 3:1-3 in Verse three it states: … “ He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver And He will purify the Priests, the Sons of Levi. And refine them like gold and silver, that they may offer to the Lord offerings in righteousness.” The prophet Isaiah helps us even more to understand what has actually been going on in our lives. We are informed: “ Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried and chosen you in the furnace of affliction.” Isaiah 48:10 now we can understand exactly what it was that the Apostle Peter had in mind when he stated: “Beloved, do not be amazed and bewildered at the fiery ordeal which is taking place to test your quality, as though something strange … were befalling you” … 1 Peter 4: 12-14

    From all of the foregoing it is clear Jehovah has not cast us aside at all. Quite the contrary! Everything that has been occurring in our lives and that will occur has been occurring to mold and fashion us so that Jehovah will eventually view us as worthy of entering His Kingdom under Christ Jesus.

    But the going may even get rougher as time goes on. We will still continue to fail and fall short of pleasing Jehovah. The discipline may even become more severe. The furnace of affliction may become even hotter as the refining process continues. We have to keep remembering that we are going through this process of refinement that will in the end produce “righteous fruit.”

    We have all now been brought very low. In the eye’s of others and probably in our own eye’s. That is the position every professing Christian should be in. It is wise to remain in that position! The Apostle Peter tells us: “ Humble yourselves {demote, lower yourselves in you own estimation} under the mighty hand of God, that in due time He may exalt you.”1 Peter 5: 6

    What do we all have to do now? Give up because we are going through such hardships? Not at all! Jehovah like the loving Father He is will be with us every step of the way as long as we keep on enduring the fiery trials that are coming upon us. Follow the direction given by Jesus Himself at Matthew 7: 7,8 “KEEP ON ASKING AND IT WILL BE GIVEN YOU; KEEP ON SEEKING AND YOU WILL FIND; KEEP ON KNOCKING {reverently} and {the door} will be opened to you. For EVERYONE who KEEPS ON ASKING receives; and he who KEEPS ON seeking finds; and to him who KEEPS ON KNOCKING, {the door} will be opened” They can remove us from the congregations. They can mark and shun us. They can destroy our marriage arrangement. They can break up our families. They may even break our hearts and spirit. They can never though snatch us from Jehovah’s loving hands. Jesus said: “No one is able to snatch them out of my hand” and “No one is able to snatch them out of my Fathers hand.” John 10: 28,29

    All of our unanswered prayers were really answered. Not according to the way we might have wanted them to be answered. They were and are though being answered according to the way Jehovah views matters because He has our everlasting well being in mind. He knows far better than us what is in our best interests. That is why Jesus always prayed: “Let your will be done” That is the way He directed all of us to pray. Matthew 6: 9-13

    All of us now must continue to be conscious of our spiritual need and never just give up because the going is getting too tough. The hotter the Furnace of affliction gets will be our assurance that Jehovah is still dealing with us as Son’s. If we allow this refining process to mold and shape us into vessels fit for an honorable use we will make it into the Kingdom. Then under more favorable conditions Jehovah will finish our training. The Apostle Peter summed it all up nicely when he said at 1 Peter 5: 10 “ And after you have suffered a little while {in the furnace of affliction} the God of all grace {Who imparts all blessing and favor}, who has called you to His own eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be establish and ground you securely, and strengthen and settle you”. The only one who wants us to give up now is Satan the Devil. If we give up, he wins. Jehovah does not want you me, or anyone to stop worshipping Him. So never even entertain the idea of giving up. You have too much to lose but everything to gain by getting up if you have been stumbled. Begin again! The opportunity for everlasting life in Jehovah’s new order of things is right at the doors.

  • wallaby jack
    wallaby jack

    Bill,

    You have my sympathy over what you've been through. None of us get through life without experiencing it's pain and heartache. You pressed many 'cult indoctrination' words in your post and one that keeps bugging me is the term family 'arrangement'. To this old sentimentalest that term is much to mechanical and cold to describe the life and relationships i shared with three wonderfull women for 20 odd years.

    'Arrangement' implies an obligation beyond pure love and that might work well for patriachal antitypes but it isn't for men, women and children held together by unconditional love. Uncondditional love is something very rarely mentioned amoungst Jehovah's Witnesses and even more rarely understood.

    just a thought .. all the best bill, unclebruce

  • Bill Parker
    Bill Parker

    Wallaby Jack!
    "arrangement" was merely a term.Nothing more than that.One hears it all the time. If you can describe it in a better way-that's fine. I did not mean it to sound cold or unfeeling. We hear many expressions today describing this or that. So you pick one you think suits. If you have had good relationships in your lifetime that's good. Some of us have not been so fortunate. Maybe we do not share your viewpoint for that reason. Anyway the sole intent of that article was to try and lift up the spirits of a few fallen souls. I suppose there are many on this board that will do as you did. Pick out an expression they think doesn't suit them and pick it apart. But you'll notice I directed the article to the one's i felt might appreciate a little encouragement. You seemed to have missed that entirely.

  • ISP
    ISP

    Mine's a Jack Daniels......

    ISP
    Conscious of Spiritual Need Class

  • wallaby jack
    wallaby jack

    Sorry for sounding negative Bill,

    I meant no more offence than you did posting your pro-jehovahite article. You may have noticed the teachings of the Brooklyn bible scholars aren't much comfort to people sheltering here.

    I have good news and bad news for ya Bro.Bill. Bad news is the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society teach completely discredited erroneous doctrine. Good news is that there is life after 'spiritual death'. At the risk of you labeling me a pedantic nit pickerer another term that freaks me out is 'those aware of their spiritual need' .. it's such a judgemental term, i can't help feeling a tad nausious when i hear it. I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone around here that isn't accutely aware of their inner self and its various needs. (being raised in a corrosive kingdom hall atmosphere the constant self examination does that to a bloke)

    here ISP .. i made it a double

    cheers, unclebruce

    PS: While we're being honest with each other, your whole post saddened me deeply. It is so riddled with watchtowerisms i'd find it hard to post objectively .. thus my short reply and 'fair thee well' best wishes on your spiritual journey bill, i sincerly mean that. It's a glorious day outside, this is no time for feud'n over religion :)

  • Thomas Poole
    Thomas Poole

    Bill, what beautiful sensitive pearls of expression and experience you have shared with us. You are indeed a spiritual blessing upon this forum.

    I have a very kindred mind and heart with you Bill. May God's grace and Holy Spirit be with you even more as days come forth.

    What thought provoking explanations about leaving a cult after demanding to keep a make-sure conscience, and then prevailing onward to a refined new person, with a new day in Christ. You have come to know greatly the grace of God.

    By your having searched and persevered in finding God and his Son, you are an example to all who are here in transistion.

    Your Servant In Christ,

    Thomas Poole

    You write very well. You have material here to include in a spiritual novel of some sort.

  • siegswife
    siegswife

    While I agree with alot of what you said, I'd like to advise you to listen to what uncle bruce said to you about unconditional love. What I realized by going through the fire is that I needed discipline because I lacked FAITH in that unconditional love. You mention that we will need discipline BECAUSE we fall short of God. That's not entirely true. Jesus died because we fall short, demonstating His UNCONDITIONAL love for us despite our shortcomings. FAITH in that unconditional love is what discipline is meant to produce. That is all we need to have our shortcomings attoned for.

  • Bill Parker
    Bill Parker

    Siegswife:
    There are two kinds of faith! One has the works evidenced by that display of unconditional love that was mentioned. It is a faith that has been severely tried and tested and proven. The end result of said testing produces the works necessary to identify the individual as a true worshipper of God. James 1:2,3. Faith apart from these works of obedience is lifeless as a corpes "DEAD!" James 2:26. To have Faith in God one has to believe that He is God. The demons manifest the kind of faith that you are talking about. Believing in God and the fact He is one God really doesn't cut it. The Demon's belief causes them to shudder. James 2:19 That should tell you something!

  • troubled
    troubled

    Bill,

    I read your post and found it very thought provoking. Thank you.

  • siegswife
    siegswife

    Bill, I'm not sure how you can jump to a conclusion about the 'kind of faith' I'm talking about, since I was talking about the kind of faith that is produced by discipline from God. I don't remember ever saying that faith is not made manifest by a actions(works)? What I'm saying is that we don't get disciplined because our 'works' fall short of God. We can't do a darned thing to earn our way into God's favor. The 'works' that result from faith are a change in lifestyle, not something that we can use to measure our faithfulness.

    I don't believe we are disciplined for falling short in works. I think we are disciplined when we fall short in faith. If we are short of faith, our work will suffer yes, but that isn't the reason for discipline.
    Christ died because of our imperfections, why would we need to be disciplined for something beyond our control and has already been accounted for? If we have FAITH in that sacrifice however, there is no reason to be disciplined for our shortcomings. If you confess your sins, God is faithful and will forgive you.

    Does you believe that God's brand of forgiveness comes with conditions attached to it?

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