I need advice

AMarie

Hey everybody:

I am in desperate need of advice and I was wondering if any of you could help me out. I'm in a bit of a pickle.

Here's the story:
For the past six or seven months, I've been living with my boyfriend, Phillip. Before I moved in with him, I was living 30 miles away in a small town and was having a very difficult time due to being DFd. I was surrounded by my Dub family members and the constant shunning was more than I could bear. I had fallen into a deep depression and was on the verge of being suicidal.

That's when my wonderful boyfriend, Phil, stepped in. He was very understanding and sympathetic about the situation and offered me a place to live. So I packed all of my things up and moved far from home and since then, things have gotten much, much better. I've been inundated with new opportunities and my whole perspective has taken a 180 degree turn. I feel fantastic.

However, there is only one problem. When Phil and I moved in together, we weren't all that serious. I always kind of new in the back of my head that he probably wouldn't be the one I spent the rest of my life with, and he appeared to feel the same way. But I have strong suspisions that he's getting me an engagment ring for Christmas. I could be wrong, but he accidently leaked some information about my gift and I'm 85% sure it's a ring.

I am panicing right now. I mean, I really care about him, but marriage?? Yikes!!! I'm not sure if I'm ready for that one. What if he does get down on one knee on Christmas day and propose to me? How can I say no to that. Could he really be "the One" if I'm having this many doubts? Does anybody have any suggestions on how to handle this situations? Any advice would be much appreciated.

I will checking my PC later tonight, so it will be a couple of hours before I read your suggestions.

AMarie

Fredhall

Amarie,

You are in a pickle. Have you ever thought of going back to the meetings? And shacking up with Phil is not a good idea. Unwanted babies wined up that way.

momoftwo

AMarie-

Don't say anything to him until he actually gives you the ring. If he does, be honest with him. Better for him to know now than later - that's the only advice I can offer.

mom

JBean

Hey there AMarie... I feel for you and your "panicked" state. However, what I would do is as soon as you're able, start dropping hints of your own as to what you WOULD like for Xmas. If he brings up anything that hints of an engagement, tell him that you are still working through previous issues, etc. and you feel that you need a bit more time to even consider a lifetime committment with him or anyone. Then, I would start some serious soul-searching... if you feel you don't love this man as much as he loves you (meaning only that he's ready to commit and you truly cannot), I would suggest starting to look for other living arrangements. Living apart doesn't mean you can't see him ... and it may open up feelings in you that you really don't want to live without him. Keep in mind that if you are feeling various emotions (i.e., panic), your body is giving you a huge hint that you are not ready. Just because he's not "the one" right now, he may be "the one" down the road. Just a thought.

Billygoat

AMarie,

I wouldn't really worry too much about it until it happens. Seriously, I know it's stressful thinking about getting married, but he could have bought you earrings for all you know. Have you and Philip talked about getting married? Do you have the same values and future goals? How long have you been dating?

As for doubts, I wouldn't worry about them too much right now. It sounds like your relationship is fairly new...you still have plenty of time to discover what's best for you. If he's as wonderful as you say, he'll understand (especially with your JW history!) that time is an ally for any large decision like this!

Andi

Marilyn

I understand your panic feelings. Some people panic real easy, and I'm one of them. I'd absolutely hate to hurt this wonderful guy you are living with. However, you do have a perfect reason for asking him to give you more time. The emotional upheaval you've recently experienced would be enough to put anyone off a serious committment for some time to come. So either tell him this now or wait until Christmas Day. Your choice. If you tell him now, without alluding to what you think he's got you for Christmas, you can approach the subject of committment without making him feel foolish for buying you a ring and expecting wedding bells some time soon.

I'm a mother of a daughter of marrying age, and she's dating someone at the moment that I don't think is right for her - and to some degree I think he might just be filling in time with her. This really annoys me because I feel she deserves so much more than that. So I would like to say this to you, by way of motherly advice. Decide what it is you want in a life time partner. If you are certain that Phil doesn't fit the criteria, why not release him so that he can find someone he CAN share his life with? Unless he appreciates the ground rules, and is happy to live with you, knowing that you don't want to marry him. It sounds like Phil deserves that kind of honesty.

Marilyn

openminded

I agree with Bgoat and Marylin. Trust me, a bad marriage is no fun. Any pain he may feel by you saying no, will be multiplied a 1000 times, by both of you, if you say yes and are not ready. -OM

AMarie

Thanks for responding to my e-mail everybody.

Thank you for the advice, Freddy. I am very careful so as to avoid unwanted babies, so I'm OK in that aspect, and meetings caused enough problems in my life. Thank you for the advice, though.

Marilyn, momoftwo, Billygoat, JBean and Openminded: Thank you very much for your advice. Honesty, indeed, is the best policy and even if it is painful for both of us at the time, it would be best for me to cut the relationship off so that he can find somebody who loves him. Thank you so very much for letting me vent! God knows I can't vent to my family without the "You need to come back to meetings" lecture. I hope you are right, Billygoat, and it is just a pair of earrings or something. We've been together for over a year and have talked a little about marriage lately, which he was very enthusiastic about. That is why I think it is a ring. I knew we would come to this point eventually, but I was just hoping it wouldn't be so soon. I'll keep everybody updated on what happens.

AMarie

Marilyn

AMarie, I wish you the best. I've seen your situation all too often. Young people need their parents for guidence. Though I think my daugher would prefer that I keep my opinions to myself more. :-( Geez at least I am not telling her that the meetings are the cureall for everything. My niece is 18 and living on her own and not making particularly good life choices. However, she will learn a hell of a lot more this way than she will listening to the same old, same old that her parents offer.

My heart goes out to you. Remember that you are not just in search of world shattering love. A good man, with a kind heart, who puts you first, is worth a 100 of the good looking selfish ones!!!

Marilyn

Francois

Typical cold feet. Don't worry about it until it happens. If you're still not sure, ask for more time. If he really loves you, he'll wait. I was scared shitless until I was walking out of the church. That was 8 years ago.

Good luck,
Francois

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