You Might Be a Jehovah's Witness If:
*** If you think that service to God can be measured in hours, you might be a JW...............
*** If you see no problem with arguing that a loving god would never create a hell, while at the same time promoting the idea that this same god is about to kill all non-JW human beings in a fair judgment, you are a JW...............
*** If you believe that it is a example of love and kindness to visit with your grandchildren while forcing your disfellowshiped daughter to sit in the car outside, you might be a JW...............
*** If you think passively taking in repetitious brainwashing at several meetings a week is a delightful spiritual experience, you might be a JW...............
*** If you cannot imagine that people are capable of ethical and loving behavior outside of complete social control, you may be a JW...............
*** If you feel that it is ethical behavior to shun (rather than counsel) people in your religious group who have committed a sin, you may be a JW...............
*** If you allow a corporation to take the place of God, you may be a JW - or you may just be an American making an offering to the real religion of the majority - money...............
*** If you think the spiritual center of God's Kingdom is in New York City, you are either a stockbroker or a JW...............
*** If you have ever reported a spouse to the elders for requesting oral sex, you are probably a JW...............
*** If you feel guilty for having a friend or two outside the membership, you might be a JW...............
*** If you think it's an act of unfaithfulness to God to get an education or a decent job, you might be a JW...............
*** If you feel you have a great wealth of Bible knowledge - despite never having gone to school beyond 12th grade and/or never having read any biblical scholarship - you might be a JW...............
*** If you think the idea of the trinity is anti-christian, you might be a JW...............
*** If you think the name "Jehovah" appeared in the original writings of the Greek Scriptures, you are a JW...............
*** If you believe that only anonymous and somewhat secretive organizers in Brooklyn can dictate which bible texts are to be interpreted literally and which symbolically, you are a JW...............
*** If you believe that there is only one correct interpretation of a biblical text, you are a poor reader, a fundamentalist, and possibly a JW...............
*** If a biblical statement outright disagrees with what is taught in the Watchtower - but you believe the Watchtower is correct, you are most probably a JW...............
*** If you consider cleaning up a messy backyard to be practice for working in the "New System of Things on Paradise Earth", you are a JW (ESPECIALLY IF YOU ROUTINELY THINK IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS)...............
*** If you think demons choose to reside in jewelry, furniture, china, books or blue smurfs, you might be a JW...............
*** If you feel that death is much more important than birth, you might be a JW...............
*** If you think that all men with facial hair are unacceptable, (although every picture in your publications show Jesus with a fully grown beard) you might be a JW...............
*** If you think that Overseers (district or circuit) do not receive a salary, you are a JW...............
*** If your reaction to someone wearing a cross is the same as a vampire's, you might be a JW...............
*** If you think JW's are not an authoritarian cult, you are probably a JW...............
*** If you think the Watchtower is not a brainwashing tool, you may be a JW...............
*** If you think field service does not involve agriculture, you might be a JW...............
*** If you think elders can be 30 years old, you might be a JW...............
*** If you can imagine newspaper headlines that read "All humans on earth except JWs are destroyed!" with joy in your heart, you'd be a JW...............
*** If you have constant pain in your right shoulder and can't unclasp your right hand, you probably have "bookbagitis" - making you a student or a JW, (but probably not both)...............
*** If you can't have a conversation with another human being without saying "Jehovah," you are a JW...............
*** If you are a male and your first reaction to a brief interruption of a meeting - by the entrance of a beautiful woman wearing a miniskirt - is "how immodest that sister is," then you are a JW...............
*** If you eat turkey on Thanksgiving and feel guilty about it, but insist that it is alright only because it was free from work, you are a JW in denial...............
*** If you wrap presents in brown paper to give each other on "Family Gift Day," you are a JW with too many "worldly associations."..............
*** If you have awful dreams about getting caught holding someone else's cigarette and no one will believe you that it's not yours, you're probably a JW...............
*** If you can't buy a pair of shoes without thinking about how comfortable they will need to be while walking down residential streets in 95 degree heat, then you may be a JW...............
*** If you are a woman who just bought a dress that comes down to your mid-calf, has puffy sleeves, a collar that button to your chin and lace trim, then you are a JW with a part at the next Assembly...............
*** If you have a child that is 3 years old that sits quietly for hours at a time while adults discuss mind-numbingly boring topics around him, (congratulations) you have broken your child's spirit and you might be a Jehovah's Witness...............
*** If you believe that God ignored everyone for nearly 2,000 years, then suddenly gave His truth to a man who sat around drawing pictures and plans of pyramids, you must be a JW...............
*** If you think that all R-rated movies are too worldly and corrupting for grown adults to watch, you might be a JW...............
*** If you can't pick up anything to read without also picking up something to underline or highlight with, you might be a JW...............
*** If you insist on calling the New Testament the Greek Scriptures, you might be a JW...............
*** If - when you drive by a church or synagogue or mosque or temple - you suddenly feel smug and superior, you might be a JW...............
*** If - when you drive by a Kingdom Hall - you suddenly feel all warm and fuzzy, you might be a JW...............
*** If you're sure your neighbors are all conspiring against you, you might be a JW...............
*** If you've spent days at a baseball stadium and never saw a ball or drank a beer, you might be a JW...............
*** If you're always afraid someone might see and hear you when you're finally just being "normal", you might be a JW..............
*** If most of the songs you sing have numbers for titles, you might be a JW...............
*** If most of your friends are referred to with the title "brother" or "sister" you might be a JW...............
*** If you've never watched "Friends" or "Seinfeld," you might be a JW...............
*** If your church is a "hall" and a sermon is a "public talk", you might be a JW...............
*** If you wash cars, repair refrigerators, install flooring, or clean houses for a living - but still own at least five suits or dresses, you might be a JW...............
*** If you can have a Bible study without a Bible, you might be a JW...............
*** If you're 25 years old and have never kissed anyone but your mom, you might be a JW...............
*** If you go to New York for the weekend and spend a whole day in a publishing factory in Brooklyn, you might be a JW...............
*** If the words "New Light" do not remind you of the hardware section at K-Mart, you might be a JW...............
*** If you think morning coffee break is a perfect time to witness to someone, you may be a JW...............
*** If, because of its pagan (roots), you have never had a Christmas tree, you might possibly be a JW...............
*** If you check the Watchtower Index every time you have a question about anything, you have to be a JW...............
*** If you find out that your co-worker's mother died, and your first thought is that it's a great opportunity to talk about the Kingdom... you might be a JW...............
*** If the thought of entering a Christian bookstore sends shivers up and down your spine, you might be a JW...............
*** If going to gas station convenience store feels like recess, you might be a JW in field service...............
*** If you have no construction skills and you still go to all the nearby quick-build Kingdom Hall projects, you might be a JW trying to get out of field service...............
*** If you fully expect never to give or receive a present in December, you are probably a JW...............
*** If hearing the term "Governing Body" causes you to become awestruck, you might be a JW...............
*** If you think the term "pioneer" refers to someone who works full-time (for free), you might be a JW..............
*** If you think Santa is another word for Satan and the elves are demons, you are probably a JW...............
*** If, as a teenager, you were actively discouraged from listening to contemporary music (whether country, folk, rock, heavy metal, disco, ethereal, punk, rap - or whatever), you might possibly be a JW (especially if you believe that KISS was an acronym for "Knights in Satan's Service")...............
*** If you see the title of "All Along the Watchtower" by Jimi Hendrix and you feel spiritually refreshed, but afraid to listen to the song, you might be a JW..............
*** If Gospel music makes you cringe, but Kingdom Songs make you feel good, you have to be a JW (and who else knows the Kingdom Songs?)..............
*** If the word "apostate" makes you shiver in terror, you might be a JW...............
*** If you think 1914 is a significant year in an apocalyptic time line, you might be a JW...............
*** If you think (or used to think) that 1975 was a significant year in an apocalyptic time line, you are probably a former JW...............
*** If you think 1799 is the start of the last days, 1874 is when Christ returned, and 1914 is the conclusion of Armageddon, you might be a very old, disfellowshipped JW...............
*** If you think you, on your own, misinterpreted or imagined the year 1975 as the year the end would come, thereby absorbing all responsibility away from the Watch Tower Society, you are a JW in good standing...............
*** If your closet is full of polyester suits, you might be an aluminum-siding salesman and/or a JW...............
*** If you think that a door slamming shut is actually a form of persecution against the righteous, you might be a JW...............
*** If you think the "New World Translation" is the least biased and most accurate translation of the hebrew and greek books known collectively as the Bible, you are most likely a JW...............
*** If you think it takes two thousand years to collect a literal 144,000 true Christians, you are probably a JW (although if it were true that the number 144,000 was a literal number, there would certainly be room for argument)...............
*** If you think "The Finished Mystery" which was released in 1917 was "meat in due season", you might be a JW (who has obviously never read the book)...............
*** If you think the organization was preaching the truth in the years 1914-1919, you are definitely a JW...............
*** If you believe that - mysteriously - there was a Governing Body before 1971, you are a JW...............
*** If you justify watching the Jerry Springer show by saying that the people who pass the microphones remind you of a meeting, you might be a JW...............
*** If you believe that New Light that becomes Old Light and then becomes New Light again is God's way of doing things, you are a JW...............
*** If the Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society used to preach a certain teachings (like celebrating Christmas) years ago and you deny they ever did, you are a GOOD JW...............
I hope you have enjoyed my little rant, please feel free to let me know what you have thought about it aswell as if you may have a few good ones to add to it please let me know...
Thank you, Elders Son