How do you start over again when marriage ends?

by Bubblie 34 Replies latest social relationships

  • BFD
    That lead to some serious Man Ho'ing. (Not with actual men -sorry BFD)

    Dayum, Padre you big tease!

    Bubblie, I was in a LTR for 17 years. After we split up I jumped head first into another relationship that lasted 5 years but, we never lived together. I used to jokingly call him my rebound boy. I wouldn't recommend starting a new relationship so soon.

    Now I have been single for about 5 years. It took time getting used to being alone as I was "married" since the age of 19. When I first found myself all alone I made some huge life changes. I quit my job and drove around the country for a while with my 2 dogs. When I returned home I sold my house and re-located to a different part of the country. That was about 3 years ago. I don't think I will ever find myself in another relationship although I won't totally shut the door on the idea. It's just that I don't know if I can find the patience to put up with anyone's shit anymore. Color me jaded and a smidge bitter.

    I do get lonely at times and when things are not going well I miss having someone to hold me and comfort me.

    Welcome to the board and the best of luck to you. I know it's not easy to feel that sort of rejection.


  • dinah

    Bubblie, bless your heart.

    Divorces and break-ups hurt. Even though I initiated mine (on Valentine's day he he) it was still hard. They take a little piece of you when they go.

    The best thing you can do is make real friends. My best friend and I always say, boys will come and go but girlfriends are forever. Friends make you feel better. That's what you really need right now.

    P.S. Priest seems a little frustrated. I can never imagine anyone telling you that you aren't good enough.

    P.P.S. One of these days I'll hug BFD til his eyes pop out.

  • Bubblie

    Dagney, thanks for the hugs. Sparks, I love you & enjoyed talking with you for two hours last night on the phone, my ear still hurts. Priest way to go on giving up the smokes. I haven't smoked since I was in my twenties & am afraid to even try it again, because I would be hooked again. Junctionguy his comments are not vague. They are clear cut & I hate to say it I can see his point. We have been living as roomates for years. Haven't worked on the marriage but let it go. I just thought we were going through a different phase in life since we are older now. We have both been faithful for all the years together. I still love him & he says he loves me & will love me forever. I am just trying to get my head around the idea that I won't be married anymore. It has been a contant feature in my life so long. He is my best friend. That is the biggest loss. Now I have to stand on my own two feet by myself. I have to find a new place to live. I couldn't stay where we are now, too many memories. Maybe, family is the way to go.

  • llbh

    I am beginning a divorce after 30 years of marriage, it is hard for both of us, my wife still wants to remain a couple, i do not as we have very little in common, we have grown apart sadly. From what i see, usually long before either partner files there are signs that the marriage has difficulties. Sometime those difficulties can be overcome often not.

    I believe important an thing is to be as civilised as possible, despite what you are both going through.

    Regards DAvid

  • Terry

    I got divorced almost three years ago.

    What I've done is avoid dating. I live by myself and mind my own business.

    I briefly tried the thing and quickly discovered I was a lunatic for trying that.

    You can't force things. I don't even want to want.

    It becomes easier and easier to simply be a human without any attachments, commitments of obligations other than my kids (whom I see every single day.)

    You become who you are that way.

    I think most relationships are habit. Bad habit.

  • Bubblie

    Yes, we are going to stay friends. Just not as close as now. I will miss him. When, you are so sad it is hard to keep it friendly but I am working on it everyday. This just happened the end of May, so I think I am moving along in fast forward. Life is short, especially when you are as old as I am! Trying to stay positive is easy but now I get a fresh start.

  • Bumble Bee
    Bumble Bee

    I really wish I had some words of wisdom for you because I'm going through the same thing. Get closer to your family, do something for YOURSELF, and don't ever ever blame yourself. It's never just one person.

    This is disloyalty to an extreme. Abandonment is the worst kind of disloyalty.

    Yes, it is, especially when the one partner does NOT want to even attempt to work on things after so long. It is not fair, or right, that one person makes such a decision.

    I think you will find out that you are alot stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you need to believe that you will be ok. Give yourself time to grieve, but don't let it become the focal part of your life. Once you come to terms with it in your mind, then your heart, you will beable to go on and be better for it.


  • sweetface2233

    I went through a divorce, myself, and it was very difficult. When my mom went through her divorce, after 21 years of marriage, she kept saying that it would have been easier to deal w/ a death than to know that her spouse tossed her aside because he didn't want her anymore. Although, my father left her for another woman and from what you have indicated, that is not the case w/ you. Whatever his reasoning, I know that it still hurts, that you are completely devastated, and your world had been turned upside down. Just know that there are many here who have gone through this very thing and if you ever need to talk, we are here for you.

  • Bubblie

    So sorry so many have gone through or going through this experience. I never understood what it was like before. The sorrow is sometimes too much to bear. You just have to move on. Bumble Bee thanks for the encouragement. You said something to me once about being on your own "it isn't so bad." I am beginning to see this for myself, slowly. Sweetface always good to hear from you. Happy moving day Saturday. I will think of you as I make my way down the East coast. Hope I can access the board from my sister's computer. If not see you all in a few weeks.

  • Hortensia

    It has to be one of the most stressful things in your life - having your husband reject you after all those years of marriage. Your ideas about relocating, helping with your mother, that sort of thing, are good ideas. They'll give you a focus while you get your head sorted out. It may take a while to thing of yourself as an individual, not part of a couple, but now is the time for you to figure out what you want your life to be, what you want to do with the remainder of your life. Best wishes!

  • JWdaughter

    Welcome to the board.

    I am sorry for the circumstance you find yourself in. I know that after 30 years you must be in a lot of pain and loss right now. I hope you find your way soon and get your bearings. Being with family may be the best thing for you, but if you make a whole LOT of changes all at once, you may find yourself more confused. I don't know your job or $ situation, so I would just recommend that you protect yourself so far as any marital assets or your retirement income is figured out. It would be a shame to not only lose your job but possibly retirement benefits and such also.

    Best of all things to you. And if you can go to help out with your mom regularly, it may be a good way to see if the area they are in would make you happy. And reacquainting yourself with loved ones should be a good thing-but don't get yourself in a place you feel trapped (not caring for your mom-thats what family does, but moving very permanently to a place you may not feel happy in-or being around family that you aren't as close to as you had hoped you would be. Rebuild relationships and your new life gradually-it will probably be better for everyone-especially you!

  • wha happened?
    wha happened?

    Wow that's a tough subject for me. I endured a divorce and a death of a parent. I started over by leaving town and moving to a new area. An area where I didn't need to explain myself.

    Internet friends helped alot

  • dogisgod

    Welcome. Therapy is a great thing. Take your time. Don't do anything big for at least one year. Get a really good lawyer. It sounds like he's been thinking about this for a while and you might want to look at your financial assets for the last few years. I don't know what his problem is but it is his not yours. Walk, eat healthy, do things you've always wanted to...even if you do it along (I got certified in diving and joined a local children's community theatre, took voice lessons, got a wonderful dog). There is a million great adventures waiting for you.

  • Quester55

    I can sooooooo relate. After nearly 20 years, (17 to be exact) my husband let me pack up our apartment, because we were moving to another apartment, and then told me that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. He said he didn't love me, wasn't attracted to me and furthermore didnt like me. Talk about my self esteem going south. You know what the "oh so righteous santified sisters told me? they said and I quote, " Well good! He was crazy anyway, I never liked him, now you'll have more time for meetings and field service!"

    I'd had doubts for a long time, but after this, I think this is what really sent me over the edge. Meetings and field service. My heart is broken and they are worrying about meeting attendance and field service hours. Only one elder has been really cool. He even said that that kind of thinking was crazy. He told me to stopn talking to all those old women, and if I needed to talk, to call him! For a while I played it in all sincerity. I really thought that Jehovah would touch my husband's heart and bring him to his "senses", but that didn't happen. I am now legally divorced, financially troubled, and emotionally damaged. Alll this happened last year, (I won't give the exact month, in case some of the 'faithful' are looking at this site, shouldn't be, but you all know how they operate., What is it/ Theocratic warfare?) I wanted to die, I thought I'd lose my mind, in fact even now when the lonelinessn is too great, I beg God ton just let me die, but in His mercy, he always wakes me up in the morning. I'm grateful. I have met several people on line. I'm not ready to fall in love just yet, but Iong for a friend (male) to go places with, to just hang out with.

    You hang in there honey. Right now, it feels like there is a hole where your heart should be, there is nothing joyful about life right now, but it will get better. If you need to, pm me, I don't know what YOU personally are going through, but I've been through the heartache myself and I can tell you, it will end. You will be lonely, just try to occupy yourself, find ways to fill the time. Don't turn to drink. I almost did. Thank God I was able to snap out of it in time.

    Take care,


  • babygirl75

    I'm so sorry you are going through this after being together so long!!! That has got to be so tough!! I agree that maybe counceling would help, 30yrs is a long time to give up on all your history.

    I've been divorced once. Mainly because I married to young (like most do in the borg) and divorced after 6 yrs and one child. The custody batte continued on for 2-3 after the divorce was final...It is a very hard and emotional stressful event to go through. Just do what makes you happy. Take one day at a time. You don't need a man to fulfill you. But in time, if that is what you desire, you will find it and will find happiness again!

    I'm thinking of you!!!

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