Ex-JWs... feelings of isolation, agoraphobia...?

Moxie

Hi all... :) Sorry for the novel...

I'm just wondering if there are any others out there who share similar experiences as me or have any comments and insight...

When I was a JW I was very, very social and active with friends and family in a wide range of activities. I would even have considered myself the party-starter ;). I used to plan events and social get togethers for all kinds of situations. Point being: I never had any problem making friends or getting out of the house to have fun...

Since I left over 8 years ago, I feel that part of me has died. It's almost as if that was another person. Now I suffer what you may consider borderline agoraphobia. This has gotten progressively worse. I suffer severe anxiety and panic when I even have to think about leaving the house and do everything that I can to stay in (going to work is the only exception). I get very distressed at the ringing of my phone, and often (even though I feel very bad about it) I don't answer and let it go to voice mail. I have a few very close friends and confidants who understand what I'm going through and are very patient with me, and I really cherish that. Once I actually go out somewhere I'm fine, as long as I have the means to escape at will. If I ever feel "trapped" I start to suffer from panic attacks (which I try my darndest to hide).

Anyway, my point is, as time goes on I find myself more and more isolated, alone and depressed.I find that I'm not that interested in meeting new people (that's not a snobbish attitude, but a fear of investing in others, of being let down by them, or of them expecting too much from me. I can never seem to open myself up, and as a result always feel at arms length, but in my heart I know that I have so much to give and to share. Even in relationships, I find it very hard to open up and share any kind of emotional intimacy.

This just keeps getting worse and I wonder if it has to do with being abandoned, rejected and shunned by my JW family and friends. I was only 18 when I was DF'd and had absolutely no one to get me through it all. Now I'm 26, and still feel utterly alone but in all other respects I'd consider myself successful; career is great, home is my castle. I know it's self inflicted but the question is why do I keep doing this?!

I'd like to know if there are others who experience similar fears & issues.... and if anyone has any advice or insight I'd really appreciate it.

"Moxie"

R.Crusoe

Well I have experienced a sorta forced part self imposed situation in which I am in a house alone everyday for the past 5/6 yrs and never go out except to get odd stuff or at night to a pub (4 in the last 6 months or so) And I have no single friend to go out with!

Life events have put me in a situation i dont know how to develop and to be honest certain folks seem to have helped my situation get worse as far as my take goes.

So I understand you very well!

I used to arrange stuff on a daily basis for 30+ kids and parties and traditional celebrations craftwork, sports etc but all that is another lifetime away in my mind!

Hortensia

I'm sorry you are suffering so badly, both of you. What kinds of things have you tried? Does anything help?

compound complex

Dear Moxie,

Welcome to the forum and yes to all of the above. Though I live alone, my entire family is at the Memorial. That saddens me. I've been home all day and most likely will be tomorrow. I'm really split when it comes to getting out (I think it's genetic because my parents had dramatically opposite personalities: one a party-pooper, the other a party-animal).

Though I am fortunate to have developed a network of friends before my fade began, still, I miss family and congregation get-togethers. However, it just wouldn't work to be in constant attendance with JWs. My focus and spiritual center have changed; I cannot deal with the facade for extended periods of time.

What I do to help myself is to help others: at work, in daily, routine encounters and here on JWD. Give yourself time (even though you might feel enough time has already passed) and be patient. What we're experiencing is a major switcheroo in lifestyle, so we shouldn't expect miraculous changes in ingrained patterns of thinking and behavior.

Hope things improve for you soon ...

Love,

CoCo

Moxie

R.Crusoe - thanks for sharing this... sometimes I think that I'm the only one. I'm sorry that you're going through this too. Do you ever wonder why this is? I mean, did you start experiencing this after you left the JWs?

I feel that the shunning I experienced was the catalyst to this downward spiral of depression and isolation. Over time I developed the belief and fear that no one can understand what it is like to be rejected by all your family and friends; to have your entire community shun you over a difference of opinion. I guess this experience has me thinking (perhaps subconsciously) that all relationships and friendships are conditional. If my own family will reject me over a difference of belief, then why even bother with anyone else....? I find it so hard to feel a connection with people. I feel that I have experienced so much that a normal person hasn't, that I was raised in a different world... not for the better. Yet I feel that I have so much depth, passion, strength and compassion but I can't relate to others or they just don't "get" me. I feel alone....

Hortensia - Thank you for your kind words. To be honest, nothing I have tried has really helped. I went to a shrink a few years back, but it just made me angry (and I don't want to be an angry person). Really the only way I get past these feelings is just to get out there and try to conquor my fears head on.... but to do this I have to put myself in a state of denial and really just ignore the bigger problem. I don't know what to do!!!! I'm a 26 year old woman, who has everything going for her, but I feel like I'm throwing my life away... that I'm letting it slip through my fingers.... :(

Maybe this community will help... it's been great so far in that I've been able to vocalize things that I've harbored inside for years and years... and most of the wonderful people here have first hand experience and can relate....

"Moxie"

Moxie

Hi CoCo, I can see that I'm not alone in this afterall.... I can sympathize. Thank you.

I really appreciate your words; expecially about helping others. I can agree that giving of yourself and helping people can really cause happiness and joy. Thus the old saying, it is better to give than to receive.

"Moxie"

What-A-Coincidence

i highly recommend "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle

Grammy

Now I suffer what you may consider borderline agoraphobia. This has gotten progressively worse. I suffer severe anxiety and panic when I even have to think about leaving the house and do everything that I can to stay in (going to work is the only exception). I get very distressed at the ringing of my phone, and often (even though I feel very bad about it) I don't answer and let it go to voice mail. I have a few very close friends and confidants who understand what I'm going through and are very patient with me, and I really cherish that. Once I actually go out somewhere I'm fine, as long as I have the means to escape at will. If I ever feel "trapped" I start to suffer from panic attacks (which I try my darndest to hide).

Moxie, my heart aches for you...what you wrote could have been written by me, especially the parts I highlighted!

I suffer severe anxiety and panic attacks, I only leave the house to go to my doctors visits, I'm so grateful for my husband who understands and supports me...I have tried many medications and the side effects are far worse than the condition, the only thing that has helped me is a medication that was prescribed to me for my hypertension called Propranolol, Brand Names: Inderal, Inderal LA, InnoPran XL, perhaps you could mention that to your doctor, it's a beta blocker and helps to combat the 'fight or flight' reaction we have.

Sandi

aSphereisnotaCircle

Moxie I understand a lot of what you said.

For the most part, I just don't want to deal with people. Even when I have a good time with people I like, it still takes a huge emotional tole on me.

Work isn't a problem, I just put on my professional happy face and off I go.

But socially, everything is different, and so much harder.

Answer my phone? are you kidding me? A phone call is a sudden, unexpected social sutuation....... I hate answering my phone!

I love people and am very sensitive to other peoples pain and suffering, and would do anything I can to help others. But's it's the face to face thing I have problems with. How do you get close enough to someone that you don't have to always be on guard?

As a JW, you always have to be on-guard. I didn't leave until my thirties, now I have to learn to just be myself with people, regardless of the outcome. Not something we ever learned as JW's.

Hortensia

I had severe depression before and after leaving the org. One of the things that helped was exercise. I went for very long walks, walked until I was exhausted, and then took a bus back home. It helped quite a bit. I think exercise outside, especially if you exercise until really tired, is one of the best things to do for depression.

Ex-JWs... feelings of isolation, agoraphobia...?

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