by R.Crusoe 11 Replies latest jw experiences
TFFF - how many of you have been there?
A place where the relentlessness of trying to be functional disintegrates the hearder you try!
Where you lose!
And try harder!
But keep losing!
Till it breaks you!
And you get up!
And it breaks you!
And this becomes your life cycle!
And you wanna give up!
You wake each day!
But you don't want to!
Who has been there?
Who is still there?
Include me for one!
I hope things get better for you soon. I think that is functional, however, if you keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I can not say that I have ever been there, I wake up put both feet on the floor and say "Thank you Lord for another day" no matter
what the day may bring.
hope4others
*raises hand*
((((((((((crusoe))))))))))
Misery loves company.
(Call someone in worse straits than you.
Chances are, they'll make you feel better.)
My point is the exact feeling we may live with and not why!!
Simply if it is your reality?
I used to get this regularly after dad died because unbeknown to ma during those years I had always had an overwhelming feeling when under mothers juresdiction of 'failure' and 'fear'!
Predominantly it is the imminent 'feeling' of repeated rejections and doubts for what is essentially your goodwill - your essence - your persona!
A feeling that no matter hoe hard you try you anticipate rejection and expectation to improve!
I experienced this with my marriage - a feeling something is amiss - a feeling that things are not quite good enough - as if more is still expected without saying so but very evident due to the lack of support and response you repeatedly are greeted by!
A feeling that they have investments in you!
A feeling that their $1 in you should payback$10!
And I experienced similar under WTBTS juresdiction.
There is something else which causes it that I will meditate upon
I just got in from a night out that turned into an hour or so return journey!
I always go out alone since my contacts are zero and chat with whomever I come in contact with!
I know this feeling well but here it is in words!
Being an exJW who has had very little experience in the social world of the majority, do you ever feel utterly detached since they all realise you were a JW and they have a mode of operating built up through years of association in much the same way as you did with long term JWs who you now are cut off from?
Almost as if any one of them would be clueless in the company of a longterm JW due to the decades of all manner of interactions - but the situation is in reverse because it is happening to you!
So I walked and felt utterly lost as I have a hundred times and more!
I had an option to try out a place someone said may be ok but the £30 return fare was outa my reach especially since I did similar already half a dozen times at least a few years back and sometimes felt I was gonna break inside due to the overwhelming sense of 'lost'
I feel the exact feeling within my family and with siblings - especially sisters whom I never see and dont ever intend to! Its a weird situation due lots of negatives coming togethre at onece but the status quo was concreted in place when between themselves they decided how best things should move for me without any conversation or reasoning whatsoever! I went along to see the score for part of it but pulled the plug when I realised in law politics were in motion!
The irony is that my own family took on the framework of JW elders - chatting amongst themselves and decideing what is best and if you dont like it you're ungrateful!
So here again we have prime examples of TFFF!
There is no solution to it! It is a reality and the harder one applies oneself, or not, makes no difference!
((((((((((((((R Crusoe))))))))))))
I understand. I do. I wish I didn't because I don't think anyone should feel that way.
The darkness is lifting for me somewhat...I actually felt happy the other day...and believe me that is a big deal for me.
Don't give up.
You are amazingly strong. Honestly I see that about you! I love your posts and contributions to this board too.
Sirona
I was wondering how I fell from a place of almost reaching stability into one of spiralling decline without any stopping it?
The unending decline is mainly to do with friendship groups of family I think - and a shunning psychology accepted as standard even though all my kids are now non JW?
Like my children have developed friendship groups absent my inclusion and so I get discussed and being an exJW values are establishedbetween them without them ever realising I had moved on major league in my heart and mind!
I have lain down and died so many times in a show of patience and understanding - truly and without question for longer than I care to recall bearing - but to zero effect!
So thoughts are levelled against and responses are not believed and friends are included who would never ordinarilly get into close family networks - like they aren't privy to the family situations who are getting interested in them for example! And since all mychildren are on the out - mum is in and absolutely zero communication occurs so the kids are a law unto themselves and the circles of friends who at times are manipulating them as if they are a soulmate! I'm sure some have best intentions but 3rd or 4th hand chat never is on cue and obviously if only 1 gets in JW land it is better than fat zero!!
The lowdown is that everyones perception of everyone is flawed and no amount of straight talk is believed and everyone goes on doing things in their own isolated way and then when isolation becomes an issue the parent gets the rap again!
So I am in a no win situation whether I have tried or given up and it has happened coutless times and with so much baggage that relationships are utterly void of clarity and directness! All manner of 'I know why and what your thinking and what your trying to control etc.
Never in all my days did I expect to come to this farmyard full of invisible bullshit on a conveyor belt from planet arsehole!
So I quit or keep taking it!
And trust me I am fairly long winded when it comes to taking shit but I am well passed browned off!
Not only that but I am now severely damaged goods!
So what I could have sorted at the end of each of the last 5 years has eroded till there's little I can do even if I was given some opportunity for the sake of a families future together!
It is a nuke!!
