Help with a Wedding

by hotspur 13 Replies latest jw experiences

  • hotspur

    Hi I've been lurking here for weeks now and have found the site most informative. But I have a problem which I'm sure has been dealt with before as most of my circumstances are not that unique. My background is, I had been with the borg since I was 15, some 40 years ago (really, I should've realised earlier!) and tried to 'fade'. So, I stopped going to the boredom sessions in 2000 - gradually! I had an affair in 2002 because of a failing marriage and had no further will to fix it - read here DEPRESSED! I was repentant at the JC hearing and went back to the marriage, only to find out 6 weeks later my darling JW, now, ex-wife (still in) had an affair 15 years earlier and my youngest daughter is not mine after all this time! I left and then 2 years later, with no meeting attendance at all (thank goodness), I moved in with a delightful lady (who is to become my wife in 7 weeks time!) being some 20 kms away from the old the congo that assasinated me. I never knew of the JC hearing just a phone call from my son saying I'd been df'd. He no longer attends. Ok - so! My mum wants to witness the wedding and is really very uncertain of being at the reception (she's now living 230kms away). She knows lots of things are wrong with the borg and has questioned them for years - she says "it's imperfect men that are wrong, I've nowhere else to go". My eldest daughter still attends the meetings, is coming to the wedding/reception and she wants her grandma to come as well. Nobody has a single thing against my betrothed and they all treat her very well - in fact, they prefer her to their mum! Go figure? How can I convince my dear mum to go against all the fear she has? She's no spring chicken.... LoL Please help.... any ideas? One big clincher - that's all it'd take. She hates all the paedo stuff, she's absolutely shocked over the UN debacle.... what can I do?

  • cognac

    Maybe part of her hear is people somehow finding out and looking down on her for going. Does anybody even have to find out? How big is the wedding?

  • nomoreguilt


    Isn't this a terrible thing that that the wts has done to us all? To have to worry about your dear mother attending the wedding of her dear son??? As far as I would be concerned it's a matter of conscience and let the chips fall where they may.


  • hotspur

    Only 70 people cognac .... with a few extra friends attending in the evening. She's worried about photographs... like any JW friends I ever had will ever see them! I quite agree NMG.... this shunnng thing is so unchristian. No room for love or support! How do you do paragraphs on this board?

  • hotchocolate

    How awful that your mum has to feel worried about this, especially as she's 'no spring chicken'.

    I just looked up the latest info on disfellowshipped relatives, trying to find something that might make her feel better about it, but unfortunately the latest articles are pretty hardline. Grr.

    I think you have two issues here, one being the wedding, and two being her beliefs. As far as the wedding goes, I would simply assure her that it is going to be a small private wedding. Perhaps you could make plans to only set up a limited amount of photos with her, and let her know that you will keep them private. You want to make her feel as comfortable as possible so that she can relax and enjoy herself on the day as well.

    As far as her beliefs, if we are talking about a lady over 70, depending on her personality, and how deeply she is tied up with the witnesses, my personal instinct is to leave things be to an extent. Unfortunately the stress of a possible change in a belief system, and loss of longtime friendships at her age might just be too much for her, IMHO.

    With regard to the formatting issue, if you are using Firefox, try unticking html at the bottom, and ticking Automatic Cr/Lf.


    Hope this helps.


  • cognac
    Only 70 people cognac .... with a few extra friends attending in the evening. She's worried about photographs... like any JW friends I ever had will ever see them!

    Then why not keep the photos with her in a separate album and tell her you won't show any JWs?

  • troubled mind
  • hotspur

    Thanks hotchocolate.... that's pretty much how far I'd got. I'd heard in the UK that df'ing had received a boost, maybe a kick in the teeth would be more appropriate! It just seems so cruel and without any heart at all. When you're 'in' it's no quite so easy to see things, although I never truly subscribed to the idea of shunning... how does that bring anyone 'to their senses' just hardens their stance in most cases - so divisive.

    cognac -- Nobody will see those photos really. Not one JW 'friend' of mine has ever contacted me. Not even any of the hanging committee - and you would think they'd have a duty of care. But, there again, we're talking logic and love..... probably the two things missing most amongst JWs

  • joannadandy

    This is your wedding. She is your mom.

    Now is not the time for the doctrinal debate. That's not what's going to convince her to come. If anything it will make her feel more uncomfortable...or perhaps defensive. Leave the JW's out of it -- it really has nothing to do with them. Simply tell her the truth. It would mean the world for you and your wife for her to be there and you can't imagine the day without her. Also telling her that your JW sis will be there will most likely soothe her fears. Really - that's all you can do at this point. Soothe the fears...she's still going to have them, she's still going to worry and be uncomfortable. She's been in for too long to suddenly have you say one magic piece of "evidence" against the JW's that will suddenly make all her Bible training vanish and unchange her entire worldview.

    I think the best you can hope for is for her to be there. Her fears are her own and seperate from anything you can control on your wedding day. I wish you the best, and I hope she chooses to come. She will have a good time inspite of herself, even tho it will be very bittersweet for her.

  • troubled mind
    troubled mind

    I did Wedding photography for quite a few JW weddings . A couple of those included private ceremonies were someone in the immediate family was Df'd . As long as it's a private affair and not a witness function tell her not to worry . Many witnesses make these decisions privately and just never tell the other witness friends ! She should not miss out on this joyous time to be with her family .

    A couple of years ago when I was still attending the KH I was friends with a pioneer sister that had a DF'd daughter that lived a few states away . The daughter was getting married and the mom was distraught over missing the wedding . An elder advised her and the rest of the family to go, just keep it quiet and don't tell the local witnesses . That is exactly what they did they even helped plan the ceremony & reception the other witness daughter was maid of honor and the witness father walked the Df'd daughter down the aisle ! They are all still in good standing because no one let it out of the bag . ( I am close to the family and found out through the daughter )

    It really boils my blood though to see many others sticking to the watchtower counsil and not seeing their own children on one of the most happiest days of their lives .Only because they are not privy to what so many others are doing on the down low .

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