by jocettejane 47 Replies latest social relationships
JC, I want to stress again what I said in a PM to you
What we said in the thread really means nothing. He needed to listen and pay attention to YOUR comments. I hope things go well from here on out.
We are not therapists, but communication is so important for a relationship...please keep the lines completely open, for both of your sakes!
Thanx you everyone again. My guy and I are communicating much better now. He's always been really good to me about everything we do together, which is probably why this problem has been so baffling to me. He and I are always in tune with each other and each others feelings, ei. when he's happy, then i'm happy, and vice versa. But when one of us is sad, the whole world turns gray, it's been gloomy for a while. I never could understand why he couldn't agree with me on things that had any affiliation with his experiences as an xjw. I thought that if it sucked so bad and it happened such a long time ago and he's worked so hard to get away from all that and forget, then it would motivate him to continue forward, not become emmersed angry and sad all over again. He really is a great guy. He really is the only guy for me.
I read all the post and I have to say that I don't have such a great feeling about the person you are with. Things are good now but he will revert back to his old ways, you can't change an individual's way of thinking overnight. I agree with some of the other post especially from the people that were in abusive relationship they KNOW the signs all too well. All these things that you mentioned have been going on in your relationship for a while now, that is what I picked up on from reading what your post. The reason why we are so critical is that if you read back on the things you mentioned is seems like the bad outweighs the good. You only keep saying he's good to you versus the negative comments. He seems selfish he only cares about his feelings not yours. Pretty soon he is going to start choosing the the company you should keep it seems that he gets to choose the friends that you two should hang around with which consists of his jwd friends and others. I may come across abrasive in this post which are not my intentions but while you don't see that this man is causing you pain some us do see it but what will it take for you to see it? I've been in a extremely long relationship since I was a JW and the man I'm with was a non-JW. I never dragged him down with me when I was having my issues to leave the religion, which I eventually did I dissociated myself. I never blamed him for my issues with my religion, he was always there to support me and love me unconditionally, communication was key and blaming was not the answer. We are still together to this day. This person you're with has a pattern that he follows when it gets too hot in the kitchen he blows the fire your way. Gee, that's true love? You deserve better and in time you will see that there are great people out there that will show you the meaning of true love, not selfishness.
I read all the post and I have to say that I don't have such a great feeling about the person you are with. Things are good now but he will revert back to his old ways, you can't change an individual's way of thinking overnight. I agree with some of the other post especially from the people that were in abusive relationship they KNOW the signs all too well. All these things that you mentioned have been going on in your relationship for a while now, that is what I picked up on from reading what your post. The reason why we are so critical is that if you read back on the things you mentioned is seems like the bad outweighs the good. You only keep saying he's good to you versus the negative comments. He seems selfish he only cares about his feelings not yours. Pretty soon he is going to start choosing the the company you should keep it seems that he gets to choose the friends that you two should hang around with which consists of his jwd friends and others. I may come across abrasive in this post which are not my intentions but while you don't see that this man is causing you pain some us do see it but what will it take for you to see it? I've been in a extremely long relationship since I was a JW and the man I'm with was a non-JW. I never dragged him down with me when I was having my issues to leave the religion, which I eventually did I dissociated myself. I never blamed him for my issues with my religion, he was always there to support me and love me unconditionally, communication was key and blaming was not the answer. We are still together to this day. This person you're with has a pattern that he follows when it gets too hot in the kitchen he blows the fire your way. Gee, that's true love? You deserve better and in time you will see that there are great people out there that will show you the meaning of true love, not selfishness.
I think that if you stick with what you posted here there would be no hope for any of us. No hope at all. It took so many years and attempts for most of us to break the chains of the JW religion. It is hard so hard and when we lose a parent or a loved one that is still in, and we cannot properly grieve of course we will backslide a bit. of course we sill revert a bit to a gloomy place. But NOT ALL people are self absorbed and stay in that rut. It sounds as if this person truly has love for you and is willing to make the changes and steps it takes to make a good go at a relationship with you.
As with any relationship with a person who is an exJW, it is sad that anyone from his past is going to be an ExJW and that bond will be deep. There will be a few that he may pick up along the way that are not exJW's but you must remember that making new friends is a new thing and a very hard thing for us ex's. we were never taught that skill and it is amazing he is making a relationship with you infact. That is HUGE! HUGE!!.
I think with anything posted on this board we only hear a tenth of the story, and we only hear what is present at the moment. Nobody wants to hear smarmy and post all the love stuff for fear of being exposed. And I don't think as we can see that anyone likes to even show a small crack in the armour that makes up a relationship for fear of it being jumped on by a bunch of judgemental jackals. Remember as it is pounded in my head. Hurt people Hurt people and it takes a Strong strong person to love one of us hurt ExJW's and it takes a stronger yet Ex JW to fix themselves and learn to GIve rather than take and to allow themselves to recieve and be loved completely and unconditionally. Hell we never learned what that was to give it nor to get it. We have such built in control issues that it is embarrasing to even speak. That is sooooooo natural with any cult. We have boundary issues and insecurity issues and self esteem issues and boundary issues as regards to what we are allowed to take from other and get into of other peoples minds hearts and business. We then cover it all up with pride and false modesty issues for fear of looking any of the above. How wacked is that?
So as if it is not bad enough to try a relationship in todays modern age, we are a clan of really messed up people that have to find an extrordianary people to love us back and understand us. And we truly as a group might be happy for this person that he has found a wonderful person who is willing to embark upon this journey with him. AND we might help him open his eyes a bit and make it more comfortable for her. As I have said before. aa skunk does not always know it stinks...it just knows the room clears when it walks in and it thinks this is the norm. It does not even know it can be diofferent. Sometimes all it needs is to be told. Things can be changed and some of the simplest things are not ever meant in a malicious way....they just happen. And with people who have been in situations such as ours it is completely possible to be stuck on stupid and not even know it.
I say give them a chance to love. Dont subject oneself to out and out abuse forever, but it just sounds like a little communication is needed and that you are doing that. Nobody said love is easy.
Hi everyone, thanx for the additional comments. I have read them and thought them through. Thank you to everyone that brought their personal experiences to the table to advise me on this topic.Things are going well. I feel that the weather has cleared up a bit at home and my guy and I are much happier around each other. We are still happily in love with one another and want to get married soon :) I haven't felt the need to cry over this since the first night I posted it. He's such a great guy that once he got a hold of what was happening he tried to fix it right away. He even left work early to do it. The main thing that we cleared up was our communication. We talk about everything. I'm also glad that this reminded him that our relationship between us is number one priority. He knows better than anyone else that we are together on everything and that this situation shouldn't be any different. I love him so much. We work so well together. He's told me that he's glad we came together on this and that he's at a much better place. I would not want to spend the rest of my life with anyone other than him.
It would be nice to have a point-of-view gun for situations like this so we don't have to keeping beating around the bush for eaons.
Even if I cannot spell or make sense worth a damn as to who I am, addressing on what point. Oh well. I think everybody got it. Or if not, someone would have asked.
Basically back off of the lovers...if they love each other and can work through this..IMO. IT is none of ours to harm.
It's nice to hear everything worked out, Good for you! I wish you the best.
Yes, quite nice.
Jocettejane, I have a little more advice for you to keep the good times rolling along....
make sure that you and your man stay as far away as possible from the religion known as Jehovah's Witnesses. Whatever it takes to keep him away from these people will be worth the effort.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Peace to you!
The Oracle
