Mother wants me to leave!!!! (page 2)

SnakesInTheTower

why??:

my bf is very supportive he know about the whole situation for a couple years now

you say you significant other is your boyfriend/fiance...and it is a long term relationship...you dont say when you plan on getting married... if this guy is a keeper, then when you explain the situation as others here have suggested, he will have no problem with keeping the relationship off of his future in-laws radar for a short time, even if it is being deceptive......... I seriously doubt you were planning on getting married before you graduated so he should have no issue with this..

Concentrate on graduating college! (college right?).....and getting a job, etc.... but I would still pursue the other suggestions...get a temporary non-boyfriend roommate, get a cell phone, meet where people dont know you if thats possible....definitely switch halls.... and if you are planning on leaving the Borg...that's the way to fade...its what I did a year ago...changed halls, cut back on meetings...quit the formal ministry...then quit turning in service reports, then quit going to meetings... no girlfriend involved for me...just a desire to leave it behind...

If he is worth it..and he thinks you are worth it..then he can wait four months for you to graduate. Get married after that...you can go to the courthouse for a quiet, inexpensive ceremony...invite your folks... if they reject you or refuse to show up...and they will be mad because they "assumed" you broke it off (just tell them you did but change your mind...pressure from school is over now you can think clearly...blah blah blah)......then at least your folks can never say you tried to get married on the sly.....

and then there is nothing a body of elders can do to you...as long as you dont admit to premarital sex of any kind..... and why would you? you are free and clear of a judicial committee...and if you are in a new congo..they have nothing invested in you to waste time going after you....you are just a publisher card and a letter....not a real person...

being a former elder, I know most of the loopholes....LOL

Snakes ()

Finally-Free

I can't get over how unreasonable spome parents can be. If they tried to evict a tenent with only a weeks notice they'd find their asses in court, but they won't hesitate to do it to a family member. I can understand the concept of obeying house rules or having to leave. I can't understand how parents can do this to their kids without giving them a reasonable time frame to find a new home, arrange for movers, arrange for redirection of mail, etc. One week is not enough time to plan and execute a successful move, and they know it, and they're using it to exercise control. They would never even think of doing such a thing to someone outside the family.

My parents tried that with me, and many of my friends went through the same thing. Once they get away with controling you with such a threat, they will play that card every time they want to control you. If you play along with their game this time, use the temporary reprieve to prepare yourself for a permenent exodus from your parents home.

W

Layla33

My advice is to use your head and play the game. Tell your understanding boyfriend to not call you on the house phone and when your mom is around, then plan your next steps. Do you want to be a JW or do you just want to avoid DFs? If so, give yourself some time to figure out your escape route.

Number one, I never let anyone hold the cards on me. Ever. It's a life lesson, control when you leave by being smart. JWs are the best actors/liars/manipulators to get the desired outcome they want, learn from your own experience and use it to your advantage.

Tell mom, you are sorry for upsetting her and whatever else you need to say to appease her at the time. Avoid lying, just talk around it. Then keep the relationship out of house and off the conversation, then figure out where you can move, save your money and look for a job. You are about to graduate college, do you have any jobs lined up? You should and if you don't, now is the time to meet with your advisors, job counselors at school (I am sure your school has something like this) and line things up.

Now, honestly, I would suggest graduating, having a job lined up, a place to stay, and then figuring out the next steps with your boyfriend/fiancee. As for the JW thing, that's your path, but if you are here on this site and want to avoid the DFs, do the slow fade, move on with your life and use your head.

I hope that helps.

loosie

When I was first married we moved back in with my mother, because she had a had time paying the mortgage by herself. My husband got df'd. My mother told me to leave him. BTW what he got df'd for was pretty silly. He didn't do anything to break the marriage vows. What he got df'd for was something we did together. I got publicly reproved for it. So there was no reason to leave my husband who I loved very much anyway.

My mom wanted me to live with her leave my husband and raise my two kids by myself. Yeah right.

I told mom where he goes I go. And I never looked back.

It was the best decision I ever made.

Now it's my mothers loss that she doesn't get to see her grandaughter. But I have my family and a loving husband.

flipper

WHY ? - I'm sorry you are going through this. My line of thinking runs very closely with SNAKES and FINALLY FREE here. Your mother is doing this to control you. My ex wife ( a fanatic JW ) did this to my son when he turned 18- 5 years ago. Threatened to kick him out if he didn't drop his " worldly " girlfriend - the day he turned 18. I told him to move in with me , love should be unconditional between a parent and their child. So, as Snakes said, find a roomate you can move in with if possible, you'll still be able to see your boyfriend and have your freedom to boot. And I doubt seriously your mom will catch you in the " act " unless she's pervie and wants to watch you and your boyfriend - which is weird anyway !

As regards marrying the guy - that is totally up to you , I would advise waiting for awhile , marriage is a very big committment and you want to make sure you want to be with this guy forever . It takes time to figure that one out ! Don't rush yourself into a decision just to please mom and dad ! You are an adult - it is your life to live ! Just fade gracefully - you don't have to tell them what you are doing in your personal life. Hang tight for 4 months till college is done . But as soon after that as you can find yourself a place . Just see your boyfriend secretly on the side without mom and dad knowing. Remember you are an adult. Good luck, Peace out, Mr. Flipper

AlyMC

yeah, I'd just play it cool about the BF around the house and tell your mom you're working on that. I'd be honest and tell her that you feel she is being unfair by making life changing ultimatums so close to your graduation, but for the sake of keeping the peace you are "trying to sort it out". Work around it as much as possible...

I'd just focus on graduating and gaining employment. That would be the first hurdle. Change halls when you move out on your own (preferably to a hall your mom wouldn't have connections with) and then stop going. When you do go, leave right after and come in late. Don't make an impression on anyone, be boring and neutral. When you stop coming, you'll rarely be thought of.

Assuming you aren't actively associating with witnesses and sharing your personal life with them or sleeping with him in broad daylight- they'd be hard pressed to get either 2 witnesses or a confession. So regardless of assumptions, they wouldn't have grounds to DF you.

Marry when you want to marry, not to avoid getting DF'd. Nobody needs to be privy to your choices enough to have that be a risk factor. I don't see a reason you can't become inactive and live your life without getting DF'd if that is your goal. Once you're out awhile, people stop expecting you to play by their rules. You'll just be another poor sap who was misguided by satan. lol.

why???

Thank you everyone for your responses!! I'm still trying to figure things out. I just got home from work. Its good but I'm looking for another one to support myself like you all said. I do have a cell-phone and have used it for over the 2yrs I have been with my bf, he's never called my house except once. He plans on marrying me after school in July or August. My mother was actually the one who suggested to me to move hall and live with a friend instead of him so I wouldn't be "read out" aka DF (for clarification) He would take me in a a heartbeat though. I feel much more independent I can support myself with my job if I live with a roomate. Matter of fact I called a girlfriend and told her she said i could stay with her and another friend said she'd help me in anyway(both non-jw's) Oh and he told me that my mother called him today for the FIRST TIME EVER! and accused him of influencing my decisions! He said that he wasn't that it was completely my choice which is the same thing he told me last night when I told him the ultimatum she gave me. I cant live in fear and be unhappy anymore. I would like to live on my own for a while before I get married so I'm think of just going to leave and switch halls. Tonight they haven't said anything else to me about it...but that's how they are they are they attack when I least expect it.

why???

you'd think I know how to do paragraphs by now geez....watz the trick?? lol

why???

Also I forgot to mention that I've spent the last few months avoiding any talk about my bf but it eventually came up. My mother was actually the one to tell me not to tell her if anything was going on because she "doesn't even want to know" {P} Snakes it the tower thanks for the info on good ways to switch and fade. Thats really helpful. And I feel better knowing that they cant get me just for getting married, I was pretty sure that was the case but not positive. My plan was to get married at a courthouse or in a park but I wasn't sure if i would invite my parents cuz they might run and tell but you say they cant do anything so thats what I'm gonna do. I had some "legal questions" that only an former elder can answer mind if I PM you sometime? Gayle i'm gonna check it out i' always interested in stories like mine. Loosie out of curiosity what did you guys do!?? Thanks again everyone I'll keep you posted.

Abandoned

I've never been in your situation, but good luck.

Mother wants me to leave!!!!

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