Never Thought About Suicide. Why not?

by Nosferatu 22 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

  • Nosferatu

    I was doing some thinking this morning about my mother, when she said she wanted to "work on our bond" over a pizza, and I pretty much didn't bother with the offer.

    I was thinking about how I'd confronted her before my boy was born about all the physical abuse which she denied. I started thinking back to that time in my life, when I would shake uncontrollably thinking about school, let alone actually going to school. I was beat up every day, and then I'd get beat up at home.

    I started to wonder why I never even thought about killing myself. I guess I never thought of suicide as an option, and personally, I wouldn't have blamed myself if I did try to kill myself. Getting the crap beaten out of me everyday, shaking uncontrollably, and the PTSD probably should've drove me to suicide, and it probably would have if all this had continued for another year or two. At age 13, I never even thought about death. All I did was rely on Jehovah to protect me, and he didn't.

    Even if I had failed in attempting suicide, I probably would have gotten some help from people who wouldn't beat the hell out of me, or tell me to "throw your burden on Jehovah". I may have recieved some REAL help for all these problems.

    It's pretty bad that I'm almost regretting not attempting suicide at a time when I hated life. I've thought about that statement "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", but at the time it didn't seem temporary. I felt trapped by everything - school, home, the JW religion, and there was no end to ANY of it in sight.

    Suicide is pointless now that I'm out of the JW religion, out of my parents house, and I now have a family I provide for. But just the realization that I never even thought about it back then just blows me away.

  • Crumpet

    Maybe you just have the survival instinct strong within you Nosferatu! Be glad of it.

    I started trying to kill myself with varying degrees of determination at the age of 10.

    Some people survive because they fight, some people survive in spite of themselves.

  • Odrade

    I think some people just don't think that way no matter how bad things get.

  • Abandoned

    I think the difference is between whether you externalize or internalize anger. Those who internalize their anger, become self-destructive. Those who externalize it, either find a healthy way to deal with it or become destructive to others.

  • Nosferatu

    - "Those who internalize their anger, become self-destructive. "

    That's exactly what I did. I couldn't lash out at anything. I kept everything to myself and never had anybody to talk to. If I did express my anger, I would have got a beating.

    I cannot say that I never thought about suicide as a teenager. It really started to hit me when I was 16, but I'm just kinda confused as to why I never thought about it when I was going through THE worst time of my life.

  • Happy Harvester
    Happy Harvester

    Maybe you were thinking of murder, instead?

  • Abandoned
    That's exactly what I did. I couldn't lash out at anything. I kept everything to myself and never had anybody to talk to. If I did express my anger, I would have got a beating.

    That's not internalizing your anger though. If you would have, you would have been suicidal. You would have blamed yourself for how horrible you were and tried to make yourself pay. What you did was bottle it up. Those are two totally different concepts.

  • GoddessRachel

    I agree wholeheartedly with what Crumpet said.

    I thought about suicide from at least middle school on. I remember actually thinking about it younger than that but don't know that I fully comprehended what it meant. I once told my childhood best friend at the time that I thought about it, and her conditioned response was "Jehovah won't resurrect you if you do that, so go ahead, but no one will ever see you again."

    Sweet. I believe we were about six at the time.

    I didn't try it because I didn't want to hurt my family. I didn't want to not get into the paradise. Funny how later the JW doctrine helped me come to the conclusion that I would just die forever, go to sleep, never feel pain again. It was so tempting...

    Nosferatu, I'm amazed at your spirit, that you never considered it, despite your horrifying childhood. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me, because I didn't have a childhood like yours, and yet I wanted to escape so badly that I considered it all the time... I guess you are just stronger.



  • Satanus

    It probably because of how strong you are.


  • Maddie

    Nobody knows why some people commit suicide and others don`t. Possible
    explanations vary and include a variety of social, psychological or even
    biologiocal factors.
    I do think that as some people have a much higher physical pain threshold than other people, the same can be said for mental pain.


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