I made a post about my first crush and how disastrous it was. Anyway, I worked up the guts to talk to her on IM tonight. We caught up a little, but she seemed....kind of aloof and suspicious. I can't blame her. If I were her, knowing how I used to be, I'd think I was probing for information so I can set up some elder harassment. I didn't talk about not being a JW anymore. Didn't feel like it would really do any good. That's the thing about talking to ex-JWs. If you're trying to fade, you can't really have any personal relationships with any ex-JWs you know that still have witness relatives. I don't know that she wouldn't let it slip to her parents, who would in turn inform my family. God, even when I'm trying to walk away they rule my life! I can't just say I don't agree with it anymore.
God I'm depressed. Right now my only romantic options are in the Kingdom Hall. If I fake it, I could possibly end up in one, but I don't want to start a relationship with someone under false pretenses. I have no skills with women. It makes me angry because of the lie they tell every JW male growing up: just be spiritual that's all you need to attract women in the truth! I'm a 25-year-old virgin now who basically has a choice: stay in the JW organization and eventually get married, or leave and be alone forever. I really don't want to take the third option, but sometimes it seems like I'm being backed into a corner. I'm going to be miserable no matter what.
I talked to a former JW I haven't spoken to in years
by B_Deserter 9 Replies latest jw friends
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B_Deserter
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JWdaughter
You are a 25 year old virgin, so I don't know what other ways you were a guy worthy of suspicion and aloofness. Raging pothead, stole cars? Wore a leather jacket like Fonzie?
Your choice is not to be JW or to be alone. The third option is to fade (I think you are doing that)find a nice woman that is not a JW date her, and others and marry the right one. They don't DF for marrying outside of the religion (or so it's been said:) ). Then keep on fading till the JWs you left behind are very peripheral to your life-and therefore do not determine how alone you are in the world. A wonderful wife and family and in laws and friends of your own will itigate the loss of closeness you have with your birth family and old JW friends, remember-those people let you in their lives on a very conditional basis. Thats not good enough. You deserve more than that! Fight for it. If you haven't moved away from your local Borg, you might just want to. Twice if necessary. You are young and very portable:) You have a better chance to escape than many do here.
Ah, to be 25 and have life all before you! You have a gift. Enjoy it. And don't rush into the sex thing just cause you can and you don't believe the WT anymore. (not that you indicated any propensity to do so). It'll still all work when you meet the right woman to share that with. You won't be a 40 yo virgin unless you want to be (and it worked out for that guy!)
So go out and start living your life-don't worry about snobby, cold, OLD JW crushes. Aim higher. A warm loving woman that loves you back without reserve.
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jwfacts
There are a lot more women out of the Org than in, if you start going out you will find one. I know heaps of single worldly girls that are dieing to meet a guy in Sydney, shame you are not here or I could introduce you. It sounds like you are lacking confidence, which is not a bad thing, just don't let it rule you. Remember a lot of girls feel the same about themselves. Just be yourself and go to places where you are likely to meet people with similar interests. Join a club, meetup.com, or a dating site. Just be don't take things to heart too much, no one clicks with everyone, but if you talk to enough people you will eventually meet the right one.
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primitivegenius
good advice here bro.........listen to it. i was EXACTLY in your shoes 5 years ago............ what do you do?
you can go to the hall and find some drone............ and then eventually......... your conscience will NOT allow you to continue to PRETEND........ and where are you at then........ you have a wife who probably belives with all her heart and soul and cant think for herself......... so then you gotta plant seeds which will be ignored for YEARS........... unhappy unhappy unhappy........... screw that........
you can stay where your at ( i assume thats local to where the cult knows you ) find a non jw girl to date........... have it automaticly assumed that your haveing sex with her the first time you get to spend five minutes with her alone.......... get counciled/marked/reproved/DF'ed lose all friends and family (unless your especially lucky)
you can start prepareing yourself for a couple moves........ move an hour away or so....... change congs........ move another hour or so away....... change congs again......... BOTH of these moves are SHORT TERM exclusively to throw the cult off your trail........... then either move again two hours in the opposite direction or if possible OUT OF STATE. no forwarding address............ good bye so long farewell.
where your from locally if you were active in the org you will be known in the district you served...... that was my problem.......... i couldnt so much as go to the mall without seeing 15 witnesses from any number of congregations....... so how am i gonna date when it is 1000% sure to get back to the cult leaders?
i was pissed........ at the time i was a 30 yr old virgin and didnt intend to remain that way for long. i couldnt take my time and look to find a nice non jw girl............. it wouldnt have mattered....... woulda took some flack and been DF'ed. instead i met a girl here and went to visit......... now she was like me.... had pioneered for several years and did all she could be before her doubts came at her full force........ so i even got to pretend that i was marrying a spiritual sister.................... parents got to go to the wedding and were happy........... moved outta state............... wonderfull.
then they thought i was just inactive for 2-3 yrs........ talked to them every weekend or at least every other weekend. no problems............. then they started askeing questions because my vocabulary had changed..... i spoke of GOD not jehovah........... so dad asked........ are you going to another church........ i ignored the question and kept talking about what i was talking about previous......... he wisely let it drop......... then my mom and sister came to visit........... they were to stupid to let it drop............ and i wasnt ashamed of my new much better choice........... so i told them they really didnt want to know.............. and my sister said........... YEAH I DO WANT TO KNOW......... so i gave them both barrels............ ready to defend the lord and all that. they went home the next day............... didnt call me for almost a week........... these are people that normally would have called half way home to let me know they were getting there safe............ and then 3/4 and the minute they got home............. so i knew the fix was in. from that moment untill I CALLED THEM to let them know they were gonna be grandparents........... they didnt speak with me. when i made that call.......... i would have been on that phone till the battery went dead under normal circumstances............ 3 minutes and they mysteriously HAD TO GO............. now i know their schedules and call accordingly......... they had NO WHERE TO GO that night.
since then my son has now reached a year of age............ mom and sis came for birth and were ignorant as hell. dad did not come....... i finally took the boy to see his non jw greatgrandmothers and stopped by on the way........ my dad knew when i was comeing into town......... made other arraingments and only got to spend 30 minutes with the boy......... and thats cause i stayed an extra 3 hours in their city before moving on. went to see family......... 3 hours away from them......... mom and sis came up and spent an hour or two with us......... dad didnt......... on the trip back he spent about 2 hours over 2 days with the boy........ then we came home.... i called when we got home to let people know.................. thats been thanksgiving time........... no response.
so a fade NEVER ends ...........so maybe im not DF'ed but the only reason i didnt want to be was because of my family........... now THAT dosent matter. so be forewarned........... you wont be able to say a damn thing about your REAL life to your family. but the rest of its EASY.............. no pressure...........
so move out of state............. start looking for a GOOD quality person to start dateing........ forget all the jw bulls***. make your own life for yourself, fulll of things YOU and your GF to be enjoy.
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Serg
Well trust me, being an ex-ms when I was single did attract females but it was always the spiritual ones. Whether they were physically attractive or not did not matter, just the fact that they were spiritual made them unattractive and "nun-ish" as I used to call it. All the girls I was really attracted to always turned out to not be so spiritual and turned off by my apparent "spirituality" .
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are many opportunities to find the right person outside of the org. If you look at it realistically the odds of finding someone you are most compatible with are waaaaaay better outside in the real world as opposed to in some super-restrictive organization where if you meet someone you really won't have a chance to really get to know them until you are married. "Don't forget, yall can't go out alone, take a chaparone."
F**k that sh*t !
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moshe
B_D- go sign up for some group dance classes. Assuming you have average ability, with some effort you can become a good dancer and many ladies will overlook your social shortcomings in exchange for a good dance partner. Right now you have nothing interesting to talk about and the mere mention of a KH is the kiss of death on the outside. There are lots of shy women in the world who are looking for someone to give them a chance, too. Good luck.
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B_Deserter
Thanks for the replies, guys. I did some thinking and I realized I have no reason to talk to that person. I mean the only thing we got in common is JWs. Other than that, there's nothing of any substance to build a friendship on. I was going to try to be friends again since we used to be very close (in the friendship way) but now I can see it's a waste of time.
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dawg
Deserter, I mean this in a joking matter only, so please that it that way...
I was thinking about that move "40 Year Old Virgin" when that indian man asks him what's wrong and he says he's a virgin.... the Indian man says "you got to get on that man"!.
But really, I can tell you from both sides... finding your soul mate is hard enough when the supply is endless. I went to UGA, and I'm sure any Gerogain can tell you that there are so many hotties here that is almost a dream... but it's still hard to find someone to really love-to be a friend and lover which is what we all want.
That said, I have often laughed about my JW days, when there were only two hotties at the hall and all the guys were tripping on their peckers trying to get them before the other guys did. Sad really, hell the odds of one of them being a soulmate was remote even if you were lucky enough to "fall in love".
So, all I can tell you is to get out, meet you a nice "worldy" lady... and "Get on that man"... you will defiantly have better odds with such a higher supply.
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Layla33
I think you should continue your deprogramming because you are still breaking away. There is a big world out there with so many different types of people and there is no doubt in my mind that once you start to un-think and separate from the JW mentality, you can enjoy yourself, get to know yourself, date and realize that even thinking for a millisecond that you won't have any opportunities for dating (and mating) without being in the JW is just incorrect.
Is there any type of mentoring program for ex-JWs? I think there should be, and I do believe this place is a good place to start.
It takes about a good two years to change your mode of thinking. But when I first started to date after leaving the JWs and stopped seeing people as "worldly" and "the other", I relaxed. I started college, involved myself in things I liked and met like minded members of the opposite sex.
You will be fine. :-)
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skeeter1
You will find the right person when you least expect it.
Join a club, take a night class in anything. You'll find someone.
I knew a single guy who took a "beginning ice skating class" just to meet some "young, hot chicks." It worked too well. He's married with a boy who just started hockey.
Skeeter