by Grouper 10 Replies latest jw friends
If one confesses adultry to their spouse, does one also have to confess it to the elders in order for the spouse to be free to re-marry?
Watchtower refrences would be appreciated.
A friend recently confessed adultry to his wife but she wants him (he hasn't gone to meeting in years) to confess to the elders or write a letter about the deed, she says she needs it inorder for her to be free to re-marry. Is this true?
Thanks
The elders wanted a letter of admission from my husband when I got divorced. My lawyer told me that since adultery is still on the books as a crime (in Massachusetts, that is), that there is no way my husband's lawyer would agree to let him do that. The ederettes took it upon themselves to follow him and provide the elders with "proof".
Believe it! I had a 3 year long ordeal getting my supposed "freedom" back due to these technicalities when I was in the Borg.
JK
He has no obligation to the elders for anything. So what if he confessed to her, she has the burden of proof to make the claim to be free. If they were to appraoch him he can deny,deny,deny! If she wants to divorce him, go for it. She has to have evidence of 2 witness to the event, not just his confession. He said, she said. That is of course if he wants to be a butt about it. He can make her live in misery by not going to the elders. And they can't do a thing about it. he just needs to keep his nose clean after she divorces him. But, I have seen cases where the ex has hired or enlisted the help of do-rights to stake out his home and watch where he goes and with whom to establish the facts. But, if he does remarry himslef, she's free of course. Why carry out the charade if he wants to be free of the dubs himself.
If he confessed to adultery to her, especially in the case of a man that has not attended the meetings in over a year,
it should be sufficient proof for her to be free to remarry even if he denies it before the elders.
The elders do not need anything else as proof. The policy from the watchtower is that now it will be between her and Jehovah.
There is a question from reader on this and if i find it, i will post it.
Tell your friend NOT TO MEET with the Elders!!!! They just want to "through him under the bus" and make am example of him. Chances are the his ex-wife is just trying to make herself look good in the eyes of the Dubs. If she wants to live by their stupid rules that's on her. BTY, does your friend have family in the Dubs? Maybe that's why he does not want to admit to the Elders since he'll get DF.
I've been in this situation and the answer is NO!
Basically the WTS writes if you spent the night with someone in the same house, unchaperoned, that your spouse is free to remarry. read into this what you will, you dont have to have sex, you dont have to admit to sex, your spouse (or ex) just has to know this has happened.
I 'arranged' a holiday with friends where I shared a room with my partner, I made sure my ex knew about this, NO sex was ever discussed and I would not discuss it with him, but he now considers himself free. I think this is the kind way to behave all around.
I will check out references for you.
Poppy
*** w73 6/1 pp. 351-352 Questions From Readers ***
If a Christian commits adultery, repents and confesses his sin to the Christian congregation’s judicial committee, must he also make known his adultery to his marriage mate even though it brings deep hurt to that one?—U.S.A.Yes, a Christian is under obligation to make known his transgression to the innocent mate before the members of the judicial committee can acknowledge as genuine his professed repentance. Adultery is a defilement of the marriage bed and is serious enough to allow the innocent mate to get a divorce and be Scripturally free to remarry. (Matt. 19:9) Hence, the innocent mate has every right to know what has happened.
In actuality, not the confession, but the adultery hurts the innocent mate. For this reason the adulterous mate should have given serious consideration to the bad effects of adultery beforehand and not have yielded to temptation. After the adultery has been committed it is too late to start thinking about shielding the innocent mate from hurt.
While the innocent mate would naturally feel the hurt upon learning about the adultery, this does not necessarily mean the end of the marriage. Upon hearing the heartfelt confession and plea for forgiveness, he or she may decide to forgive the adulterous mate. Then, too, the confession gives an opportunity for both husband and wife to take a serious look at their marriage and consider what might be done to work for improvement and to avoid a repetition of the wrong. The innocent mate may even have contributed toward the unfaithfulness of his or her marriage partner. If, for example, the wife has deliberately deprived her husband of the marital due, she bears a certain responsibility for what has happened. She is not altogether without blame from God’s standpoint, for the Bible admonishes: "Let the husband render to his wife her due; but let the wife also do likewise to her husband. . . . Do not be depriving each other of it, except by mutual consent for an appointed time, that you may devote time to prayer and may come together again, that Satan may not keep tempting you for your lack of self-regulation."—1 Cor. 7:3-5.
Besides possibly laying a foundation for an improved marriage, the confession can also prevent other serious problems. As long as the adulterous mate keeps the matter hidden, he cannot have a good conscience toward his marriage partner. This can reflect itself in word and action. The innocent mate may soon sense that something is wrong and make mention of this. To shield himself, the guilty mate may resort to lying, and this would compound his wrongdoing. Thus eventually more harm may result than if he confesses his wrong and seeks his mate’s forgiveness.
So if one guilty of adultery is truly repentant and wants to preserve the marriage, he should seek the innocent mate’s forgiveness. From then on, if forgiveness is granted, both can work together in trying to preserve the marriage bed without defilement. (Heb. 13:4) Since the moral purity of the congregation is involved, they should also disclose to the judicial committee what has taken place.
*** w68 5/15 pp. 319-320 Questions From Readers ***
If a woman who has committed adultery is repentant and shows this by confession of her wrong to the judicial committee of the Christian congregation with which she is associated, is it necessary for her to confess the wrong to her husband?—M. A., U.S.A.Yes, that is both a necessary and a wise course, whether her husband is a Christian or not.
It is well known by Christians that God condemns adultery. (Deut. 5:18; 1 Cor. 6:9, 10) Those who choose to indulge in it are not tolerated by the pure congregation of Jehovah’s people. The Bible directs that such morally corrupt persons be expelled from the Christian congregation, both for the protection of those in it and so that God’s spirit may continue to operate upon the congregation without restraint—1 Cor. 5:5, 9-13.
This, though, does not mean that everyone who professes to be a true Christian perfectly conforms to God’s righteous requirements at all times. One may want to do that, but still commit a serious sin because of lack of good judgment or weakness of the flesh. (Rom. 7:21-23) If, for example, a woman in the congregation gave in to temptation and committed adultery, she ought to feel cut to the heart over this grievous sin. But what must she do to gain forgiveness and aid?
It is of utmost importance for her to gain God’s forgiveness through repentance, as the apostle Peter told the Jews in his day: "Repent, therefore, and turn around so as to get your sins blotted out." (Acts 3:19) She ought to resolve never to repeat such a sin, and should be determined to avoid anything that might lead to a repetition. Confession of the sin to God in prayer is also necessary. Encouragingly, we learn that Jehovah is forgiving if a Christian will sincerely confess and repent.—1 John 1:9.
In addition to making confession to God, the Bible also counsels the one who has seriously sinned to take another step. This is set out at James 5:13-16, which says: "Let him call the older men of the congregation to him, and let them pray over him . . . Also, if he has committed sins, it will be forgiven him. Therefore openly confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may get healed." In each congregation of Jehovah’s witnesses today there is a committee of three such mature Christians who are charged with the responsibility of aiding sincerely repentant sinners, or of acting to expel anyone who is a threat to the moral purity of the congregation through practicing sins and not having God’s forgiveness because of lack of repentance.
But is that all that this one should do—go to God and to the representatives of the congregation? No, in this example there is another step that should be taken even before going to the spiritually older men who will act in behalf of the congregation. The sin of adultery involves the woman’s husband. She vowed faithfulness to him. He has the sole right to sexual relations with her, and his right has been abused. Likening the marital due to water out of one’s well, Proverbs 5:15, 18 indicates that a married person has the privilege to the pure sexual due from his mate. That "water" should not be polluted by adultery, and if it has been, then the innocent party should know of it. Additionally, if one has committed adultery, then the honorable marriage bed has been defiled.—Heb. 13:4.
The guilty mate might hesitate to confess, being worried as to how her husband will react and whether he will show forgiveness. But that is something she should have thought of prior to getting into the situation that resulted in adultery.
If she intends to profess repentance to the congregation judicial committee, they will look for evidence of repentance. For example, if she were truly repentant she would not shield the one with whom she sinned. If that one were part of the congregation, then the committee could pursue matters in that direction also, so as to maintain the congregation’s good standing with God. But in this situation, another evidence of sincere repentance on the woman’s part would be confession of the wrong to the innocent mate, seeking his forgiveness and assistance. If the guilty one is not willing to show humility in this way and bear responsibility for her sin, can it really be said that she is repentant? Hardly!
Now, if a dedicated Christian allowed herself to get into a situation that led to adultery, she has given proof that she needs help and surveillance. The mature servants in the congregation will provide spiritual aid for her, working to strengthen her spirituality and her ability to live as a Christian. (Gal. 6:1) But her husband is one flesh with her, and as the one living closest to her he is an appropriate one to provide assistance, encouragement and the close surveillance she obviously needs, possibly aiding her to avoid association with the one with whom she sinned. (Gen. 2:24) Even if he is not a believer, he can probably help her to resist further temptations and to keep away from situations that might lead to a recurrence of the error.
So, it is the course of wisdom and repentance to seek the forgiveness and help of one’s mate, and this is so whether it is the wife or the husband that sinned. Also, this is a necessary step in order to right oneself with God and the Christian congregation.
*** w77 10/1 pp. 607-608 Questions From Readers ***My unbelieving husband admitted to me that he has another woman. Is his admission sufficient ground for a Scriptural divorce?In some cases if a Christian’s unbelieving mate admits to committing immorality, that would provide a Scriptural basis for a divorce, which, in turn, would free the innocent Christian for remarriage if desired.
Jehovah God’s law to the ancient nation of Israel made provision for divorce on various grounds. (Deut. 24:1, 2) Adultery, homosexuality and bestiality were bases for ending a marriage; the guilty person was to be executed. (Deut. 22:22-24; Lev. 18:22, 23) However, the Law set forth this important requirement: "At the mouth of two witnesses or of three witnesses the one dying should be put to death. He will not be put to death at the mouth of one witness." (Deut. 17:6; 19:15; Num. 35:30) Being a "lover of righteousness and justice," Jehovah required that such matters be determined on the basis of proof, of witnesses, not merely suspicion. (Ps. 33:5) This, of course, was stated as regards applying the death penalty, not as regards a divorce action.
Another situation dealt with in the Law also illustrates the importance of proof. What was a man to do if he suspected that his wife had committed adultery but she denied it and there were no witnesses? God’s law outlined a step that could be taken, but it was a drastic one that could have lasting effects for the wife if she was guilty or for the husband if she was innocent. She could be brought before the priest and made to share in a prescribed procedure involving drinking some special water. If she was guilty, she would experience the divine punishment of her ‘thigh falling away,’ apparently meaning that her sexual parts would atrophy and she would lose her ability to conceive. (Num. 5:12-31) Evidently in such cases the adulterous wife, though receiving this extraordinary punishment from God, because she denied guilt and there were not the required two witnesses, was not executed.
What is the situation today in the Christian congregation? Is it possible to obtain substantial testimony as to the grounds for a Scriptural divorce?
Jesus himself stated that for his followers the only ground for divorce, such as would free a person for remarriage, is if one’s mate commits porneia, gross sexual immorality. (Matt. 19:9) Would there be sufficient ground for divorce if a Christian wife merely suspected that her husband was guilty of adultery? No, for the Christian Greek Scriptures carry forward the principle of a matter’s being established by two or three witnesses, as a balanced sense of justice requires. (John 8:17, 18; 1 Tim. 5:19; Heb. 10:28) So, if a wife merely suspected her husband of adultery, but hedenieditandtherewerenowitnesses to confirm it, she would not have sufficient basis for establishing with the Christian congregation that she had a right to divorce him and thus be free to remarry.
In some cases, though, an unbelieving mate admits to being immoral. A husband, for instance, might even boast of it to his wife as a taunt to hurt her. She might choose to overlook his waywardness. But what if she feels she cannot or should not? Is his confession enough proof?
In this situation it is not as if he professes innocence or adamantly denies being guilty of adultery. Rather, he admits it to her, though for the sake of his reputation he might not be willing to own up to it in a court of law or before other persons. What can the wife do?
Since she is part of the clean Christian congregation, she should realize the importance of handling the matter properly so that, after divorcing him, if she later remarried there would be no question about her keeping ‘the marriage bed without defilement.’ (Heb. 13:4) To that end she could give the elders representing the congregation a letter outlining her situation, stating that her unbelieving husband confessed to her that he had committed immorality. And she could state that in accord with Matthew 19:9 she wishes to put him away, obtaining a legal divorce and thus ending the marriage Scripturally and legally.
The elders would consider whether there is any known reason to conclude other than that the unbelieving mate had been immoral. If not, they could accept her signed statement.
‘But,’ someone might say, ‘is it not possible to submit a deceptive, untruthful statement, saying that her husband confessed immorality when he actually never said that?’ Actually, it would be gross deception for anyone to try that. David once prayed: "You have examined my heart, you have made inspection by night, you have refined me; you will discover that I have not schemed." (Ps. 17:3) Conversely, Jehovah is well aware when someone does scheme and He will make sure that the person does not lastingly succeed. Hence, if a Christian woman goes on record as stating that her husband has admitted immorality, Jehovah knows the facts. As the Bible says: "There is not a creation that is not manifest to his sight, but all things are naked and openly exposed to the eyes of him with whom we have an accounting."—Heb. 4:13; Prov. 5:21; Jer. 16:17.
So if there is no reason to doubt the wife’s statement, the congregation elders can leave the matter between her and Jehovah. In that case she would have to bear before God the responsibility as to the actuality of her husband’s immoral course, which would be the Scriptural basis for ending the marriage even if the legal divorce were obtained on some other ground.
bttt
I was granted a scriptural divorce based on this in 2001, although they accepted my word for it and did not require me to write a letter about it.*** w77 10/1 pp. 607-608 Questions From Readers ***My unbelieving husband admitted to me that he has another woman. Is his admission sufficient ground for a Scriptural divorce? In
In this situation it is not as if he professes innocence or adamantly denies being guilty of adultery. Rather, he admits it to her, though for the sake of his reputation he might not be willing to own up to it in a court of law or before other persons. What can the wife do?
Since she is part of the clean Christian congregation, she should realize the importance of handling the matter properly so that, after divorcing him, if she later remarried there would be no question about her keeping ‘the marriage bed without defilement.’ (Heb. 13:4) To that end she could give the elders representing the congregation a letter outlining her situation, stating that her unbelieving husband confessed to her that he had committed immorality. And she could state that in accord with Matthew 19:9 she wishes to put him away, obtaining a legal divorce and thus ending the marriage Scripturally and legally.
The elders would consider whether there is any known reason to conclude other than that the unbelieving mate had been immoral. If not, they could accept her signed statement.
Paul
