Letter to a DF Parent

thedepressedsoul

I want to thank you. Thank you for raising me in this religion, this religion that when people get disfellowshipped you have to cut off all communication, even family. Thank you for making sure all of my friends, work partners, family and 99% of my life was centered around this organization.

Thank you for taking the time to study with me, read the bible, making me excluded from all school activities and friends so that my whole social life was surrounded by JW.

Last of all I want to thank you for getting disfellowshipped. Thank you for putting me in that situation and then trying to communicate with me, expecting for everything to be normal after you raised me in this god forsaken religion. You centered my whole life around this! You made me 100% involved with no outside contact and expect me to just throw it all away because you decided to get DF. You don’t even have the courtesy to at least get reinstated so that I can easily talk to you! You expect everything and every way that you raised me just to go out the window after I have made my whole life around this religion! You don’t understand, I can’t just walk away! I now have a JW wife, responsibilities, friends and family all with expectations!

You don’t understand that you put me in this situation and now YOU expect me to give it all up and have nothing just so I can talk to you! Thank you for raising me up this way, centering my whole life around this religion I don’t even believe in so you can just walk out and leave me holding the bag!

Do you realize the situation you put me in?

Thank you.

Oubliette

Yes, I do realize the situation I have put you in and for that I am sorry. Very sorry.

I taught you these beliefs and then I realized they were wrong. I tried to gently tell you as I myself was just beginning to wake up to TTATT, but I didn't exactly know how to go about it. That was over 10 years ago now and since then I've learned so much.

Everything I did was because I thought (at the time) it was the right thing to do. I realize now how wrong I was. I tried to get our whole family out, but your mother wouldn't listen. You know how she is. I then tried to get you kids out with me, but I couldn't figure out how to do that within the confines of the cult. Finally I just had to get out myself.

If only you knew how many times I've wished I could go back and handle things differently! I now know better ways to leave, but the end result is always the same. I'm out and your mother is still in. You kids are always in the inevitable loyalty bind created by the cult mentality and your mother's venomous hatred of me for being strong enough to leave the cult.

Since I've left, I tried countless times and in every way I can imagine to reach out to you. I love you and I do know how hard this must be for you. Even though we hardly communicate, I sense your anger. Although it hurts to hear you voice it, I know that you need to say it and I need to hear it.

I don't expect things to be like they were before. I don't expect things to be "normal." In fact, I expect them to be better. But I know that won't happen all at once. It takes time and it will be difficult. But it can be done. I know. I've done it for myself and you can too.

Have you thought about why I still reach out to you? Do you know why I want to have a relationship with you?

What you do need to know are these things: It doesn't have to be this way. Please, just talk to me. I can help you figure it out. I can help you figure out how to be yourself, your true, authentic self. That is all I have ever wanted for you.

I know you think I walked out and left you holding the bag, but that's wrong. When I left our family ended, but that doesn't mean that you and I have to end. I've always been here for you and I am here for you still, even now.

I love and I miss you, very, very much. Please, just talk to me.

Dad

Incognito

(Edited to remove comment)

freemindfade

Thank you for raising me up this way, centering my whole life around this religion I don’t even believe in so you can just walk out and leave me holding the bag!

thats gotta be tough, this is sort of a reverse situation, very sad. But you say you know this is not the truth, and life is short and meant to be beautiful. Speak to your parents. You need to shed the fear of losing everyone in, all your friends and life, I know the stress of feeling that, but there are things you can do and not lose it all. We think being out 100% mentally and doing what we actually want outside of the judging eyes of the borg will get us DA'd, but it wont, this place is full of faders. And some who may not even be physically 'faded' but still doing what they feel they have to while being in full possession of there mind.

Family is important, please speak in person.

DesirousOfChange

Depressed Soul:

Use the "necessary family business" loophole to speak with your DFd parent as often and as much as you find "necessary". That's up to you. Be the "head" of your household and do it, regardless of what your little goodie goodie JW wife thinks about that.

Yeah, it might cost you your "position" as Elder/MS/Pioneer, but that's all that is at risk. YOU cannot be DFd for speaking to DFd family members. Simply claim that you feel it is "necessary business". Since you're not really a "believer" anymore, why would you give a shit if you lose the position. You refer to the "expectations" of family & friends. Maybe you should start setting some expectations for yourself.

If it's the wife that you can't stand up to and take a position with, welllllllllllll, I can't help you grow up and be a man. You should probably write another letter to your dad about that. Blame him for you being a pussy, too.

Grow some balls and quit blaming everything on someone else. Sometimes you can't take the easy way out in life.

Doc

freemindfade

I now have a JW wife,responsibilities, friends and family all with expectations!

I would venture to say most of us have been there. Its not just you, the thing is designed to make expectations a gigantic psychological burden to bare. Fear Obligation Guilt... You need to rise about those things. It's scary but when you take control it will be well worth the freedom you feel, and the peace you will experience.

steve2

The emotion in the letter is real, completely makes sense given the upbringing and needs to be expressed. Whether to express it to the parent via a letter depends on your primary aim. Is it to make the parent feel bad about what's happened to you? Or, instead, to help them develop an awareness that, despite their sincere intentions, you have been badly affected by your religious upbringing? Or is it an important personal emotional release in which you imagine what you'd say to your parent if you could with no desire to 'bring them to their senses' to use that horrible phrase?

The wording of the letter would differ, depending on your primary aim.

As it reads at present, the letter is overly - even if understandably - self-focused and parent-blaming. Did the parent do anything right at all? Is there an acknowledgement that, despite the impact on you, your parent was doing what they thought was right?

If it is not crucial that you "reach" your parent, the wording is probably okay. But if your intent is to let them see how hurt you are, the letter is likely to evoke the opposite reaction because the parent would see you as "bitter" and "opposing the truth".

BTW, despite what I have written, I do feel for what you have gone through. I was raised in the religion also having JW grandparents. Best!

Incognito

After reading the response from Oubliette, I became under the impression that the OP was from 'thedepressedsoul', written directly to 'Oubliette' thereby making the 'conversation', publically private.

I deleted my initial comment and backed away, implying 'I'll leave you two alone'.

Oubliette

Incognito, no. TDS is not my child. although the situation is extremely similar to that of my children.

Since TDS wrote this letter to a parent that will probably never read it, I thought I would respond with the letter that I would love for my children to read, if only they would.

It was therapeutic for me and might just help TDS look at things a little differently.

Oubliette

Incognito

Oubliette,

Thank you for the clarification!

Your reply did not suggest it was written in the manner you now indicate and as TDS put his letter 'out-there' without asking for feedback or suggestions, nothing should be assumed.

edited to add: When I say your letter did not 'suggest', I am referring that there was no introduction as to the purpose for what you had written.

Letter to a DF Parent

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