hardest conversation of my life (page 3)

metaspy

R's husband - that is where they want to change my mind, discredit my line of thinking, discredit my reasons.
then they can say - see you are being stupid, just come back and follow what we tell you to do.
Otherwise they will say - you have no "real" reasons for leaving, you just wanted to go and made up something.

oompa

metaspy I think I have found a common flaw in your conversations with your mom, and one that has caused me and friends/family a lot of stress....I am not going to make the mistake ANYMORE!! Here it is:

The conversation went down hill from there.
As her usual she just dismissed my reasons as if they meant nothing.

Unless someone is a PRIME canidate ....as in fully ready to awaken....I am NOT GIVING ANY REASONS ANYMORE!!!! It makes freaks out of them and me.

I am only going to say:

1. You may not understand it, but I'm just not feeling it right now. Period.

If they really really really want to understand it (awaken)....I will figure it out in a reasonable amount of time and apply due dilligence.....Other that that they can KMA! It is none of their Damn business. You do now owe ANYONE an explanation for what only your own mind does or does not completely understand either...................................oompa

eclipse

I'm glad you have your own place and a job you love that is important!

Sometimes, family won't allow us to just fade.

You are not DA'ing yourself by not going to meetings..

They can't DA you simply for not going to meetings.

They cannot DA you because of what you said about the molestations either.

Well they can if they like, but it would not be proper procedure.

Hang in there! We love you and we give our strength and encouragement to you.

You really don't have to talk about anything you don't want to.

You can still take your mother's calls, just tell her that your meeting attendance is between you and Jehovah.

Use their own JW doctrine against them.

Tell her she is going above your head by telling you what to do. tell her that the woman's role is to be SILENT.

that'll make her go and shut her up for a second.

Then tell her you are very busy and to call back at a later time, then hang up.

She will get the message loud and clear that you no longer see her as an authority.

restrangled

metaspy...I've watched my wife have the same neurotic dance with her mother for 30 years. You simply have to stick to your guns on this one issue and explain up front that yes...this one issue alone is a complete dealbreaker and it is not up for discussion. Sticking to this position won't result in being DA'd or DF'd which is what you desire and it will draw a line in the sand which your mother and brother will respect. Simply disengage. Tell them that you'll be happy to discuss anything else other than the religion. Those days are over. There will never be a better time to make a stand. Simply refuse to discuss it any further. Let "live and let live" begin today.

R's Hubby

metaspy

does anyone have a spare back bone I can borrow?
you have a lot more confidence in me than I do.

jgnat

I think the biggest battle is with yourself. You are NOT weak. You tell yourself you are weak so you don't have to "deal". Bending worked before because frankly, children have to bend or perish. But you are an adult now. From your first post I had assumed you were in a dependent relationship with your mom, hence, had no choices. If you have no choice, bend. My advice changes if you have reached at least physical independence.

New life, new rules. You can learn new patterns of dealing with old stuff.

If your mother and your brother know your buttons, that means you do, too. I think an important first step is to recognize when your button is being pushed. Learn to shut off the coersion as soon as they use a manipulative technique on you.

I think a big part of my mom's manipulative behavior is that she was convinced that no-one would love her unless she made them. I went out of my way to "surprise" her with loving things - that she had not thought to ask for. She could not then boast that she had made me do it. Those little acts of kindness did worlds of good for me. And shocked her momentarily in to silence.

There's lots of things you can do with your phone. You can block certain numbers. You can get a second line with a different ring. Find out who in your family are the finks, and don't give them your new number. And so on.

You could still use the bend approach, even though it is a passive-aggressive strategy. It is how you were raised and more familiar to you. If you use this technique, as for them declaring victory, or that they are "right", let them. If your mother clues in that you are not following her direction, shrug.

Again, WHAT IS THE WORST SHE CAN DO? Get you DF'd? Have a party. You won't have do deal with the madness any longer. You might want to remind her that she can't talk to you any longer.

Frankly, I think this is the last thing she wants. If you are DF'd you are out of her control. And she can't have that, can she?

metaspy

Get you DF'd? Have a party.
thank you jgnat, you made me laugh.

restrangled

You are confusing the natural instincts we all have for pleasing our parents for lack of backbone.

Abused children still want approval from their parents, no matter how they have been treated, and abusive parents turn this instinct against their children in order to control and maniulate them.

The cycle stops by simply disengaging. You've made your stand. There is no need for anymore drama or hoopla. If they bring it up, simply restate your position that it is a dealbreaker, stay calm and move on.

R's Hubby

jgnat

I see your mom has used a lot of negative language on you that you have internalized. It might help to make a list of those negative self-statements, and turn them around. Whenever you catch yourself using that old phrase, replace it with your new one. Say it out loud. Put it on a little card and paste it to your mirror.

For example:

I have no backbone ---> I am flexible
I am stupid ---> My opinions are important
I am weak ---> I am a survivor
I can't stand up to my mom ---> My mom doesn't live here any more

Thirty days to make a habit. Thirty days, and you will be stronger. Exercise those brain muscles! You can reprogram your brain, and it does work.

metaspy

THANK YOU ALL!!

I feel a lot better about the situation.
I shall let you know how things go today - I am sure my mom will drop by with some reinforcements.

hardest conversation of my life

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