Did the DFing policy make you emotionally distant?

by Open mind 25 Replies latest jw friends

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  sf

  Did the DFing policy make you emotionally distant?

  Seriously?

  LOL!!

  You elda's sure are funny.

  sKally
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  Jankyn

  Of course.

  First, I was actively discouraged from making close friends among peers at school or in the neighborhood, because they were going to be destroyed. The only exception was if I was attempting to reel 'em in. And of course, even if I wanted to, I couldn't get too close--with all that time at meetings, in the service, etc., when was I going to participate in sports or other activities (or even just hang out)? Couldn't go over to a "worldly" kids house, just in case there was something demonized there, or they decided to watch reruns of "Bewitched" after school.

  So I was pre-conditioned to believe that distance was the norm in most relationships.

  Then I saw that disfellowshipping would change even the closest relationship in an instant. In my case, it was when my dad was df'd (I was 8). He didn't "cease to exist"; to lifelong friends and family members, he became a threat. He went from loved one to danger in the space of an announcement.

  It became obvious fairly early on that too deep an attachment to anyone meant rejection and heartbreak--either they'd leave or I would--so I avoided it. It became even more clear as I became aware that I'd be disfellowshipped--if I ever got baptized (I became aware that I was gay at about 12). Why love someone who has already told you they hate you? (and let's not even get into what happens when the person who hates you is your mother.)

  Thirty years and beaucoup therapy later, I'm still working on it. Getting better--but I still find that my default is distance.
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  elliej

  Yes, I became emotionally distant, but not because I realized that anyone I got close to could be gone in an instant. I distanced myself when I realized that even my closest friends would turn their backs on me based simply on an announcement from the podium. I watched people get disfellowshipped and observed the way that their "nearest and dearest" not only turned their backs on them but also ripped them to shreds with gossip, innuendo, and outright slander, and I realized that I didn't want or need "friends" like that. And when those people were reinstated they were accepted right back as though nothing had happened and none of those things had ever been uttered. I often wondered what the reinstated would think if they knew what their "friends" had been saying about them when they were df'd.

  Arms length was my policy and when I finally made the decision to leave it was much easier. Of course there were people in that I cared a lot about, but it was easier for me to walk away knowing that they were not real friends but conditional friends. Real friends don't turn their emotions on and off like a switch.
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  Open mind

  SF:

  You elda's sure are funny.

  If I made you chuckle, I'm glad.

  See ya.

  Jankyn:

  Your description of the emotional distancing that takes place in childhood really struck home with me. Thanks.

  Sounds like you've experienced the "normal" amount of JW mind-games, plus some extra thrown in for good measure. DFed Dad and discovering you're gay.

  I'm curious to hear how things went in your household once your Dad was DFed. How did you treat him? Was he an "agent of Satan" in your mind? Or was that actually helpful to you?

  There's a possibility that could happen to me someday (being a DFed Dad) if I don't play my cards right, so I'd like to know how it went. That is, of course, if it's not too painful and personal to recount.

  Open Mind
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  Open mind

  Elliej:

  Real friends don't turn their emotions on and off like a switch.

  Well said. Thank you.

  Open Mind
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  serendipity

  Being df'd made me emotionally distant from JWs, including most of my family. Prior to that I was emotionally distant from 'worldly' people who would *probably* die at Armageddon. What a screwy way to approach relationships.