Been outta a hell of a long time and still bummed

by Mindchild 10 Replies latest jw friends

  • Mindchild

    Sometimes I do a lot of thinking.

    Yeah, I know that is dangerous.

    Regardless, at times it seems that even though I’ve been out of the Borg for a little over two decades now, gone through expensive therapy, had a long term relationship once with another ex-dub and spent 8 years in college, I still find my personal thinking effected in some negative ways by my being raised a JW.

    For instance, I have a really difficult, if not impossible time, ever finding a community where I feel I belong. I’ve lived everywhere from San Francisco to Cocoa Beach on the opposite coast and no matter where I live, I feel like I’m an alien from another culture. I don’t like living anywhere in the USA, nor do I see many other countries that look like a utopia. I think some of this negativity I feel is from being raised “separate” from the “world.”

    If this wasn’t enough, I have zero interest in sports. My JW parents forbid me to partake in sports because of the “unbiblical” issue of competition. Perhaps I’m missing out on a lot because of this, no team spirit, being a “loner” a lot. Finally, one bigger negative is being negative. I’m actually somewhat optimistic by nature and manage to stay fairly happy but I seem to be drawn or attracted to horrific things, like thinking about what kind of super-terrible natural disasters can happen, terrorism, and all that rot. I think I got that from the Borg as well.

    Anybody got a good formula for a mental enema?


  • Bridgette

    I suffered from terrible depression and a dreadful outlook while in the org. When I got out, I felt displaced, to be sure, but look at it like being an excited immigrant to a new country--one which I love to explore and find ways to make my home.
    Just a few suggestions, maybe they'll work, maybe not:
    -learning new things (I know you've been to college, but take something outrageous like, interpretive dance)
    Good luck, my friend,

  • logical

    nobody wants a fucked up loser freak like me. everywhere i go im a freak, a misfit, and nobody ever has or ever will want me.

    and all the liars on the other side of a screen who say otherwise are just that. I KNOW if they passed me in the street they wouldnt give me the time of day.

  • roybatty

    This might sound too simplistic but it worked for me. Get involved in some type of community activity. Got a kid? Coach his t-ball team. Doesn't require much sports knowledge at all. Like to walk or bike? There is always some type benefit that needs people. You don't need to spend "90 hours a month" doing it (lol) but I'll tell you this much. I left the Borg a year ago, felt the void that you mentioned but then filled it with coaching my kids football and soccer teams and volunteering in the community. You'll be surprised how quickly you feel like you belong. Differnt groups need people but don't know who to ask. Find them and help out.

    Well, just my 2 cents.

  • bboyneko

    Having been in a cult like this one, we all experienced 'love bombing.' We had instant friends, instant things to do every weekend, a ready made social life. Thats not how it is in the real world.

    Making friends and finding things to do is actually difficult and the lack of exteme ease we once had in getting an instant community and social life can be depressing and leads you to feel disembodied from society as you said.

    Best idea..start with people who have something in common with you. Join a local club or society that engages in your activity. Maybe its photography, maybe its archery, maybe its puppy kicking. Whatever floats your boat.

  • ChuckD

    I just started doing volunteer work in the past three months, and wish I had started LONG ago. I am meeting some great people, and having a very enjoyable time. My work is as a patient/family representative in the ER / Trauma Center of a local hospital two afternoons a week, and it has been both rewarding and humbling. For one thing, I will never take my good health for granted again. I have also learned some very important facts, such as; nailguns and fingers do not mix; and when you are under your car dropping the transmission, do NOT attempt to catch it with your forehead.


  • Tina

    Well Hi Skipper,
    One way to alleviate the negative outlook,is to realize there is no Utopia. That is nothing but fantasy.
    Get involved in your community.You'll make new friends and share in a common goal together.
    You'll find the beauty in your community then,and rather than feeling alienated,feel a sense of affiliation with it.
    Extending yourself,getting involved will help you learn about fascinating diversity around you. Learning about and appreciating cultural and ethnic differences helps one to appreciate the similarities shared by our human family,while celebrating the differences.
    It takes some work and effort,but the payoff is tremendous. You'll begin to feel a sense of cohesiveness with the world around you.
    There are many wonderful volunteer orgs and groups. Choose one that you may see as challenging,interesting.
    You'd be surprised how much less depressed you'll feel when busy and active with others.
    After 2o years ,my personal thinking on blaming the org and parents,whatever,is not a realistic and healthy mindset.
    Blame can be released when we realize we are personally responsible for our feelings,and how we live our lives. That its real possible to get up and do something positive to change negatives into positives.
    The art of living means a pro-active and involved one.just some thoughts FWIW.Tina

    'The Good,The Bad,The Fundy'

    Special Matinee HORROR!!!!
    'I Was A Teenage JW Pioneer!

  • Mindchild

    Hey Thanks Gang,

    Appreciation in bundles for your comments and suggestions. I have tried the volunteering route before and it was satisfying at the time but quite frankly I'm just not all that sociable in real life and I'm pretty much a loner.

    Tina, you are right on when you mention the blame game, and once in awhile I need a whack on the side of the head to realize I got suckered into doing it. I do enjoy learning new things and hope to build a yacht this summer and then do some world traveling some months later. This at least will expose me to new cultures and learning new things.

    The rest of you guys are both funny and cool. Thanks for the feedback.


  • lauralisa


    Your posts speak to me in a peculiarly-recognisible fashion. I'm wondering, in your years of therapy, have you investigated the recent research of trauma and its afteraffects?

    I'm consistently able to reconcile so much of the anguish, ambivalence, family turmoil, ennui, et al that is presented by people on this board with the normal and typical physiological and mental responses that result from trauma (definition of trauma open to discussion...).

    I personally believe that the losses that result from withdrawing from the WTBTS (and the resultant loss of faith in "Jehovah" and his glorious promises; loss of family, loss of generations of relatives, a lifetime of generic support systems, familiar behavioral patterns, etc etc etc) is a traumatic event. It takes tremendous courage and integrity to cut through the rhetoric and admit that you were deceived and abused by the people - and you really trusted these people - in fact you really, truly LOVE them - who claim to represent "God".

    Most people who come to realize (because they are willing and able to balance intellect, reasoning ability and emotion) that they are being fed a continuous stream of crap which cannot withstand the slightest challenge without collapsing would understandably just maintain the status quo. The risk is SO great: become anathema to your entire family... ! become "dross" and "refuse" ! Oh, and a "traitor"! An "enemy of God"!!! Be unworthy of a simple act of kindness or even a simple prayer !!! Be unresurrectable!!!!!!

    When the only crime was your being honest with yourself and refusing to perpetuate a fraudulent, conspicuously-obvious scheme.

    I read a recently-published book a few months ago which illustrated well how traumatic events affect individuals and society at large: The Myth of Sanity by Martha Stout, PhD. She did a good job supporting the argument that one does not have to be a victim of war or rape or attempted homicide to be a survivor of trauma.... it can be a small event like people laughing at you when you lose your first tooth.....or not understanding when you put chemicals into toilets ! Nonetheless, traumatic events make their own contribution to the maze of life.

    Sorry for the lag in responding to this thread. I don't have a whole lot of time to spend on-line. But I would be genuinely interested in your comments and thoughts and wonder if this subject is germane to your issues.

    You're a trip btw


    It's only water from a stranger's tear (Peter Gabriel)

  • Ranch

    I just want to say that this thread is me.
    Why do I say that?
    Well I go through periods of feeling like an alien.Don't fit in with witnesses and don't have a clue how to fit in with the rest of the world.
    All of the suggestions found here have been helpful to me and will be for others too.
    This is a process that takes time.

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