Thanks to Xena for bringing this question up, and thanks to those that replied. I really enjoyed reading your comments.
How Long???
by Xena 38 Replies latest jw friends
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closer2fine
Xena -
We are too much alike :o)
I was going to ask this same question. I've been out for 10 years. My family is all in & they still try to catch me with not-so-subtle questions about whether we celebrate. (I married a non-witness 7+ years ago) I did make a promise to my hubby that our children would never pay the price for my upbringing. They would never have to lie, or feel bad about our lives. The issue hasn't come up (she's under 2) but when it does - she won't have to tell half-truths or lie.
The deceit and living a double life end with me. I refuse to subject my innocent child to the ridiculous standards of the WTS.
I am no longer living in the territory of the last hall I went to. My family moved from that area 8 years ago. We have witnesses in our neighborhood & I am pretty sure they know about me. During one of my parents visits they went to Patterson for a tour. They met witnesses in my area & told me "they are right down the road if you ever want to study again".
Our American flag has been flying out front for weeks. The trick-or-treaters are welcome in our home. There will be a turkey on THURSDAY for Thanksgiving. There will be a large brightly decorated tree in our window for a whole month. If they want to spy they can.
The control and mind games have to end. They don't have any power over me. Yes, my family is still in and I want them in my life - but at what price? My daughter? Never.
closer
Mean People Produce
Little Mean People -
Xena
Isn't it great to have a place like this where other people understand so well what you are going through? It's nice not to feel alone....
I appreciate everyone's comments. Guess I was hoping for an easy answer like after 2 or 5 or 7 years they will finally leave you alone already, but as that isn't the case I supposed I will just have to sit down and make some decisions about what is important to me and where I want things to go from here.
Hearing how everyone else has coped has really helped a lot! I will definately be taking all the comments, suggestions and encouragement into account. Thanks again for all the help!
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drahcir yarrum
fancyschmancy:
LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE! Don't seek out elders. Make them find you. Your life will be much less painful in the long run. IMHO.
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Double Dee
Xena,
I have much in common with you. I tried to drift away.....fat chance with my parents! For about 6 years I was inactive and I had the same conversations with my daughter about not telling them (so we don't hurt them, etc.) things that she was doing or participating in. I had the same concerns about having her be under that pressure not to tell.
But I will tell you, it was easier then than it is now that I am df'd. Now, they will not allow me to enter their house. They will not speak to me for any reason, unless it is an emergency. (I did manage to tell my dad about the UN--said I was shocked and wanted to know if anything had changed in the org that said that was ok and he actually talked to me! --oops I went on a tangeant (sp?)....) But as I was saying, their cutting me off is harder on my daughter than having to "not tell" some things about our life. When some of my family came to visit them, they invited my daughter to come over, but I was definately not welcome. That hurt her to not have me be be part of the fun.....if you can call it that.... but I dropped her off to visit, hiding my hurt from her. I felt more angry my family made sure that the family that was visiting was not home when we arrived so that I could not even see them at all. In fact, it was amazing that they even invited her since they hardly ever even call her to say hello anymore.
So, go on as you are if you can, if that is what you feel is best. I can say that I feel much more free as a person being df'd. But I did hold out as long as I could so that my daughter would not be as affected until alittle older. Now she is 15 and has a much more mature outlook and she is able to understand it all alittle better. Don't feel like a bad mom for having your daughter not tell some things. Remember to look at the big picture.....you seem like a great mom and caring person to all here. Just stay the way you are, and things will fall into place.
Love,
Dee -
Sirona
Hi Xena
Although I've had to keep my mouth shut about my feelings, I still feel that I shouldnt let the dubs rule my life now Im out.
Last xmas, I celebrated (sort of, Im not Christian anyway), and I celebrate my birthday and of course the birthday of friends etc. I dont hide this from my Jw family, but I dont publish it either.
They'd have a problem proving anything anyway, so carry on as you are and be happy!
Love
Sirona -
LDH
Harumpf. They're not your REAL friends if they're 'fairweather friends.'
Why don't you guys get that? There's more people out there in the world than the ones you met at the KingDumb Hell.
Shit, my own mother is having surgery Wednesday. My father 'slipped' and told me, but he wouldn't tell me what kind of surgery. His exact words to me and my DA'd sister, "We'd rather not discuss it."
When I mentioned this to my cousin, (fringe JW at best; smokes etc), she said, "I'll tell you what she's having."
I said, "Don't bother. I don't really give a shit. If she wanted me to know she would have told ME not YOU."
So there you have it. You're going to lose people in your life. Even my 'worldly' girlfriends all have family issues, some don't speak to members of their family.
I can't think of a better reason not to speak to someone than their willing participation in a brainwashing scheme that they're too afraid to admit, cause it's been too long. And hell, after 30 years, who wants to admit you were WRONG?!?!?!
I would double freakin DARE someone to question my three year old and 'use' it against me. Xena, girl, eat some raw onions. It'll curl yer toes and you'll be ready to fight!
Lisa
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Vitameatavegamin
Hello friends;
I read these posts and I keep thinking of the scripture that talks about people in the last days having " no natural affection". I know, the JWs apply this to "worldly" people, but I often think that this could apply to what we see happening here on this topic. Parents are willing to forsake their own flesh and blood for the sake of their religion and approval by God. Why would God want us to dump our children for a man made organization? OR a child completely distance themselves from their own parents? The Bible says to "honor your mother and your father". I think as time goes by, the world is getting more twisted. People are doing abnormal things like this in the name of God or a religious group. My theory on this is that if God created the family arrangement, and made it so we could produce children, why would he demand such things as shunning your own? Is that not going against the scripture that says " fathers do not be irritating your children"? Maybe my reasoning is a bit simplistic, but it is on my mind. I have not totally decided yet if JWs are the truth or not, but I do know I have been through some really bad experiences with them. I am still filled with doubt, but hoping that a " light " will soon come on. I pray for it.
Thanks!
Vita
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California Sunshine
**************Harumpf. They're not your REAL friends if they're 'fairweather friends.'***************
Right on Lisa....how can a TRUE JW possibly have a friend? A true friend loves ya "Worts and All". Looks beyond your faults and sees the good in you. They would never desert you. I HATE this shunning thing beyond words. Unbelievable the damage it does to families.
Zena, I feel for you. You have to do what you think is the best for your baby and you. Tough decisions. TAKE YOUR TIME!
Keep the picture, you are cute as can be in it.
minds are like parachutes--they only function when open.
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Eyebrow
I "faded" away back in 1998. I married nonWitness the next year, and we ended up moving into my apartment, which is downstairs from my witness mothers apartment about 6 months after we were married. Also, there are about 3 witness families across the street, 2 more 1 more block away, and another around the corner. We have the tree up every year. While we don't decorate outside the house (my mother owns the duplex, so it is out of respect for her) you can see the xmas lights through the window.
I have a son that was only 8 when I got married, so he spent the majority of his life being raised as a witness. It was very difficult for me and him at first, because I did not want to insult my JW family. I told him not to mention to my mother's family for several months the fact he was a cub scout. But then I realized that I was teaching him the wrong thing. He should not be taught to live a double life. He is allowed to talk freely about it, and other things that he is now allowed to do like birthdays, etc. He just does not flaunt it around the witness family members. But he does not deny it either.
This past Sunday was my son's last football game of the season. He had desperately wanted my mom and one uncle in particular to attend at least one game. She would never come because the games are always on Sunday mornings. She and my brother finally attended his last game! My mother enjoyed it, but had to make the comment, how did families who wanted to attend church able to let their kids particpate? (Prior to being a witness, my mom was a hard core Baptist, so religion has ALWAYS been a first with her.) I told her that there were many families that just attended a service at a different time during the day during football season. And I pointed out that even some of the local kingdom halls had afternoon meetings if she wanted to not miss a meeting, but attend a game. To her though, it is vital to be at the meeting of the congregation you are assigned.
Anyway, I was getting a bit annoyed at the whole thing. I finally turned to her and said, "Besides, Mom, I find spending Sunday mornings watching my son play football a lot more fun than sitting in the Hall."
Xena,
Bottomline, you have your life to live. I also live in constant fear of being DFd because of the affect that it will have on my mother. She will be the one to pay the price, not me. While most witnesses I was friendly with when I was active will talk to me if they see me in public, I can live if they choose to shun me. I have been able to start a new life. This is why I have not DAd myself. But NEVER be ashamed of your life now!!It was bad enough that we had to live in constant fear of never doing enough when we were active JWs. Don't live in the WTS shadow now. Just live your life, make no apologies for it. You don't have to flaunt your new life, but don't make your child think she has to hide it, like it is something to be ashamed of.