Just posted this on another thread, but thought I'd give it it's own....
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Letter to all congregations of Jehovah's Witnesses worldwide.
Dear Brothers,
For many years now some among us have apparently felt the spiritual food provided by the Faithful and Discreet Slave is not good enough. Because of this and other troubling evidences of the spirit of independence, Watchtower scientists have developed the new Cerebral Cortex Companion.
This attractive Teflon coated device will be installed in the neck of all honest-hearted lovers of Jehovah at the next Circuit Assembly. With it, all Jehovah's Witnesses worldwide will have a broadband link directly to Jehovah's channel of communication here in Brooklyn. The initial software download will prove a loving provision from Jehovah, as Christian shepherds will be able to both monitor thinking and provide constant reminders from our Great God. Next fall's software release will also include our proprietary Apostate Jamming component and an elegant Cognitive Dissonance Interference module.
We are certain that all of our brothers and sisters will accept this gift with hearts full of appreciation. Of course international laws prevent us from mandating installation of the Companion, so this will not be considered a requirement for all of Jehovah's people. However, since we recognize the importance of keeping up with the progress made by Jehovah's organization, those who do not accept installation will simply be identified as "disconnected ones." Choosing to remain disconnected will be a matter of ones own conscience, and we should not interfere with the personal decisions of another in this matter.
Those who accept installation of the Cerebral Cortex Companion will be commended for their humble submission to Jehovah's visible representatives, as we all strive to make His heart glad in these last days.
Please be assured of our love and greetings,
The Watchtower Bible & Tract Society
NOTE TO ALL ELDERS: All "disconnected ones" are to be treated as disfellowshipped and disassociated ones. A brief announcement should be made at the first Service Meeting following your congregation's next Circuit Assembly.