What do I do when jw wife feels down / "uninterested" in spiritial things?

by Check_Your_Premises 13 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  GentlyFeral

  sweetstuff recommended:

  Take her out, do something she would never do with her "brothers and sisters". Maybe dancing at a nice club if she's open to that. I would very carefully afterward, tell her how much you loved seeing her happy and having fun, and why doesn't her faith make her feel that kind of joy?

  I’m not so sure this is a good idea when she is feeling guilty. Whenever I got “down” like this, my husband would invite me along with whatever brothers were doing something festive. It always increased the guilt. I remember one time when I was so far gone in self-pity that, sitting at a restaurant table with my husband and another six or eight “brothers in good standing,” I punished myself by not ordering anything and suppressing tears. A skeleton at the feast, for damnsure.
  The “Bible candy” approach may work better. Keep your ears open at your own church for scriptures about “God’s love for us sinners” and quote them, without embellishment, to your wife. Isn’t there one in Romans 8 about nothing being able to separate us from the love of God?

  Circling back to sweetstuff’s idea, though:

  …tell her how much you loved seeing her happy and having fun, and why doesn't her faith make her feel that kind of joy?

  Don’t ever put her on the defensive by attacking the truth – for that is how she will see it. If you challenge “Jehovah” for not making her happy, of course she will have to defend him to you. But if you gently ask her if “Jehovah” is making her as happy as a night on the town – well, she may say yes, but just being asked will make it a little harder to lie to herself. That’s how it worked for me.

  I remember reading a novel by Sherri Tepper, in which god appears to the people as a majestic fountain of abundance toward the end of the book, strewing the fruits of the land and the sea as he passed by. And as I read it, I caught myself thinking: “Why can’t my God do that?” This was five or ten years before I left, and I squelched the thought – but it did its healing work way down where I couldn’t see it.

  That’s the kind of subversive inspiration you want to keep on tap.

  gentlyferal
• 

  Check_Your_Premises

  Thanks all for your replies.

  I of course have NO intention of fixing her. It is more of a situation where I am standing on the sidelines as she fights her own battles. I cheer her on when I think she needs it. That is what a friend does. I try to advise and caution her from the perspective of one who has NO delusions about what the org is. I also try to protect the children and myself from any jw silliness. In fact, that is my number one priority.

  Actually, I have another topic I want to discuss, and maybe I can fit some of your suggestions into that topic.

  Good to see you Jeff. Yeah, I don't spend to much time here these days. If I do, I just get all worked up. I have to live this stuff. The last thing I need is to spend a bunch of time talking about how much I hate it. Just to much negativity. There is a time when it is good for a person to spend alot of time here. Then I think there is a point where it is good not to spend so much time.

  matt
• 

  Scully

  It must be discouraging to put that effort in and feel that the results are not forthcoming. That's how it felt to me. I would go a few months at a time without going door-to-door, just because it felt like such a futile waste of time.

  I much preferred to discuss the Bible with people who wanted to talk about it, than knock on doors and have them shut in my face and hear over and over again that the person at the door was not interested. Getting up early, making sure my clothes and shoes and service bag were ready, getting the kids ready, it was overwhelming and depressing. The weather was unpredictable - it seemed like beautiful weather was wasted rather than enjoyed, and bad weather just made going in service to be more of a burden. Sometimes the people (the Pioneers™ were usually the ringleaders in the abusive bullying behaviour) who were going in service were just downright mean - excluding me and forcing me to work alone with my kids, refusing to give me a section of territory to work. After all the effort I'd put in to just get there, that hurt like you wouldn't believe, and I'd go home in tears.

  Your wife can still "count time" talking to you. Encourage her to do that. Listen. Take her somewhere to enjoy the lovely weather or a special outing to lift her spirits, and let her talk. Find out if there's anything going on like what happened to me. If there is, reassure her that God knows where her heart is, and that is what counts.
• 

  Bumble Bee

  Listen. Take her somewhere to enjoy the lovely weather or a special outing to lift her spirits, and let her talk. Find out if there's anything going on like what happened to me. If there is, reassure her that God knows where her heart is, and that is what counts.

  Scully had some good advice. Sometimes it's hard to open up and talk about these things. I mean, come on, she's supposed to be one of the happiest people on earth serving Jehovah!! It's got to be difficult for her to realize that she's not serving "happily".

  Take her somewhere quiet, private, away from everyone. Put your arm around her, look at her and ask her to tell you anything she wants to, you are here for her. Tell her how much you love heryou only want the best for her and want her to be happy. You might have to do a bit of prodding and draw her out, but if you do, it will be well worth it. I bet she really wants to talk to you about some of the things she is feeling, but maybe doesn't know how to start the conversation. Give her that opening. I know. I speak from experience here. And this just doesn't go for JW related things.

  All the best to you and your wife.