My mom. She said that if I went out in that world and lived "like that" then she would never see me again. "Like that" is what she replaces with gay or homosxual in mixed company because of the shame of a having a child that is not normal by even the world's standards. Before, it used to tear me down; I should be moping about, wondering about being lonely and not having a family anymore. I still do sometimes; I recently went to a wedding of a family friend and seeing the family, through all their problems and situations, how they posed together and the love they all shared. It almost made me sick to think about my family, how if I ever got married to a woman, it would be a lie that would fill them with joy, and if I eevr shared my lie with a guy, they would be nowhere in sight.
Again, last night she said it. "Live like that and I will not be able to deal with you." I used to think that maybe she would try, maybe- after time. Even after hearing some of your stories, I believed my mother -"No, not my mom. She's my friend" -would give me some sort of chance.
I'm starting to actually see reality. I'm starting to see the world a little like she does; stark, hard decisions and conclusions that draws lines down the middle of right and wrong. Instead, mine are of what is fantasy and what is reality. I love fantasy since I live in my head everyday and I romantisize most of the relationships I have, blowing them up to proportions that are far from real. I can't leave the religion doing the same thing that keeps others trapped inside of it. Reality is becoming more... "real". Yeah, that didn't make any sense- what I mean is that reality is becoming what I desire instead of the fantasy- of friends, of family. I can't have the conventional family that my own wants for me with a wife and kids. I don't know, maybe I could, but if I did it would still be the queerest conventional family ever. I can't give them what they want.
I have to give me what I want.
So, I know it is time for me to go. Again, my mother won't deal with a son like that, a son whose not a "real man". My therapist helped show me that she has every right as a human being to do what she wants, to react how she wants. She cannot change me from being gay and I can't change her from being in a anti-gay, void-of-anything-real cult. I know things I'm not suppose to and there is no going back, even if I sometimes wish I could be the good faithful JW son. My therapy has helped me see that I control my world, that I have a degree of control and that this is mine. And more than anything, this is all I have. My life and I want it. If any people still feel low, still feel like they aren't worth anything because their family will or are treating them like scum, then please seek out some counseling. It can't make all the feelings go away and I still and will always feel pain when I lose my own. But you have to speak to someone or else you will be stuck. If you moved on from this cult then move on from the pain because you are worth it.
I need to be stronger, stronger than I am. I will be, eventually. I have no choice since I won't take my life- not for them. I would die for them- any of them, but I cannot live a life that is a lie. That is worst than death. So even if my mom or the rest of my family won't dal with a son "like that", I will because I have to. I am "like that".And I know that I don't believe this cult anymore. I need freedom and that is not something this religion can give you. I'd rather die of AIDS then to live forever in some gardenlike place afraid of thinking and feeling what I want to in fear of the Sky God.
..Besides, have ou seen pictures of the new system? I swear, you can tel there aren't any gay people because all those sister with the big hair and those horrible sun desses from the 50's *shudders* It's like fashion and individuality die in the new system (unless you're a person of color then you get to wear kimonos and african garb all day)