Hi everyone,
I don't post much but sure do love reading everyone else's post. Everyone here for the most part seems so normal (for apostates, haha).
So, I was born and raised a JW, baptized at 14, disfellowshipped at 17, reinstated at 28. The only reason I think I did that was because after 10 years of no contact with my father, mother and little sister they came to visit me (they lived on the east coast I live on the west coast) and I was so overwhelmed with seeing them and talking to them and hugging them, I wanted so much to please them and have a relationship with them again that I fooled myself into thinking I needed the "organization" and Jehovah's approval to be worthy of their love. Anyway, I tried, tried to stay interested, go to meeting, study, go in service, answer at the book study and WT study, have parts on the service meeting and ministry school, etc... Everything a good JW should do. I mistakenly thought that if I made myself do these things, that sooner or later it would feel "right" and "natural" and I would finally be one of Jehovah's people "on the inside" and not just on the outside. Well it never happened and I became so tired of all the obligations, all the meetings and so tired of the double life. I had a husband and 3 kids, 2 jobs, life was just too busy to be sitting hours each week killing myself trying to stay awake and interested in meetings. So I finally stopped going more or less, faded I guess you'd say and have had no contact as far as meetings or elder visits or anything since my father passed away in 1998, yeah, a long time ago, I know. But I still feel the need to lie to my mother and sister and other family members (who all live out of state) that I am still a JW for fear of losing them again. I go and visit them only every few years if that (can't afford more) but do talk often on the phone with them. They have no idea I have been out for so long. When I visit, I go to meetings with them and assemblies days or whatever and just keep up the cherade. Anyway, sorry I am rambling but sometimes so much just starts coming out when I start on this subject. I feel like such a loser that I can't "fess up", geez, I am a 46 year old woman who is still afraid of disappointing my family. My mom is not well, and I honestly think if she found out the truth it would be real real hard on her and I just can't even think about that, I love my mom! She is a really sweet, sweet lady but believes EVERYTHING the organization says, unquestioned. I keep thinking that maybe after my mom is gone it might be easier, but I don't want to lose my sister either, she is all the family I have left really, that I care about anyway. My grandmother and father are gone and mom and sis are the only true family other than aunts and uncles and cousins and I don't really have any kind of relationship with any of them that I would miss out on all that much anyway. I don't know really what I'm asking here. I guess I just needed to vent, this organization is soooooo wrong in what it does to our frame of mind. Thanks for reading.