My little quote from the Tao for this one...
"There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path."
I think for the first time I'm about to do something I want to do instead of something I think I have to do. I've been going over it in my head for over a week straight now, this decision. I was thinking I was about to have to move back to my hometown to help look after some things. None of my other family members are able.
To do so means going to a place not only filled with people that hurt or hindered me in the past, but also is saturated by a mentality and way of life I have long left behind me. Every day I would walk out and be reminded of the way things were, the life I peeled away layer by layer over years. Dirty is a word that could describe it… but not the kind of dirty you can wash or mop or shower away…at least not there. Whenever I go it takes me weeks to get back to normal, days just to feel clean again. The people, some of which I will be the first to say are great, are dominated by this view of people and relationships and what is and is not acceptable behavior and treatment of others that I just cannot embrace, nor can I stand in the face of it without expressing my views.
The other issue is the place I am now is not anywhere near as bad…but also somewhere I would never choose to be if allowed to decide freely. I moved here for a life I thought would be wonderful, and it seemed wonderful, but it ended. Not only that, but I have since figured out it was not quite what I thought it was. And now I find myself somewhere I do not smile, I don't feel an urge to do anything except sleep, and I know why. I'm not home.
There is a place I have always felt at home, and always looked up and enjoyed being alive. I was amazed when I went and saw the acceptance of diversity, the freedom to be whoever you are and still fit in. Every time since I have been and wished I could stay longer. So, I've decided to pick back up with my plan to move there instead of putting it off to deal with these other things. I was waiting for someone else to be ready to go before, and since then I think I doubted I could just do it. I just can't bear the thought of living somewhere I'll be so miserable, nor can I stand to wait around for an engraved invitation. Now that I own my own business, and am pretty damn good at it, by the way, I think I'm gonna just pick up my toys and go.
Of course these things can't be done overnight…so now I've got plans to make.