Since we're all in the mood for story time here, I figured I'll tell y'all about the first congregation I ever attended: Lakeview, MI. I have changed all names in this story. The parts of the story from before I was born I cannot confirm, since they were only related to me by people involved.
The Lakeview elders are notorious for their unloving, introverted, intolerant spirit. Most of the hall is part of the same family, so nepotism runs rampant (though not nearly as much in the past). This congregation has created more ex-JWs and "apostates" than it has brought members in, having over 60% of the publishers inactive at one point.
I was unfortunate enough to be born outside the large family, the son of a bible student of Elder "Bill," pretty much the congregation's patriarch. Bill is actually not a bad guy, so I'm not going to fault him for anything. He was an elder before elders even existed (e.g. he was the "Congregation Servant"). My dad came into contact will Bill while in college, he met one of Bill's daughters who was waitressing at a restaurant. My dad asked for her number, she told him to talk to her father. He did, and started studying. This was all during the 1975 fervor, but if you would ask my dad he'd say it wasn't emphasized that much. He dropped out of college. My grandparents were paying his tuition and were PISSED from what I hear. He was just 1 year from having his bachelor's degree, and this was before the days you could walk away with an associates after two years.
He ended up marrying Bill's daughter "Peg" and they had a kid, my half-brother. A few years later, it turned out Peg was sleeping around, a lot. My dad was one of the last people to find out. "John," my half-brother was a problem child and she left him with my dad, now a single father in the congregation. To this day, John reveres his now-dead mother. I never understood it. She abandoned him and he thinks of her like she was the greatest person ever! I guess when your mother dies you can forgive quite a bit, but she DESPISED him! She didn't want ANYTHING to do with him after the divorce. He had to BEG her just to let him visit!
A few years later my dad met my mom, who lived in Detroit but had come to the area to visit her retired parents. He proposed after three days. She took pity on his situation--being a single father with a son who needed a mother--so she accepted. My dad was an elder in the congregation at this point (I thought they didn't let divorcees be elders, but then again the borg was different 25 years ago), so she figured marrying an elder automatically meant a good marriage. She was wrong.
Michigan is a very polarized state. It is pretty much split down the middle, with the majority of educated progressive liberals living on the Detroit/Ann Arbor-influenced east side, and the religious hard-line conservatives living in the Grand Rapids/Traverse City-influenced West. These cultural influences have a MAJOR impact on the congregations, and most friendships don't often reach across the US-127 dividing line. My mother's idea of the truth/family/life in general were far different than my dad's. The conflict was near instant.
The Lakeview congregation was quite chauvinistically male-dominated. The men burped/farted/scratched/lazed-about on the couch while the women cleaned the house. Of course, the men deserved this because they were busy working secularly while running the congregation. My mom started talking to the other wives, and it bothered her that they were seen as little more than baby-making sex slaves. Many wives were being physically abused as well. This side of the religion was new to her and something she hadn't experienced. She saw how the elders were completely ignoring those that were struggling in favor of boosting their already "strong" families. They were neglecting the congregation. So, she spoke out. This drew the ire of the elders. They forbade their wives to associate with her, as she was seen as a "bad influence." This is the world I was born into.
Since I was not born into the large family that dominated the congregation, I was passively tolerated, but never fully included. I felt like an outsider and always have. To this day I have very serious social anxiety problems because of my treatment by peers at the hall and at school. Another boy my age who was part of the big family didn't seem to mind me being around so much, so I latched onto him. I naively considered him my best friend for years. It seemed we did everything together. We talked about everything, got interested in girls, your typical boyhood friendship. It was clear to me even then though that even though he was my best friend, I was not his. I wished I could be, but he was far too popular. I looked up to him immensely. I wanted a life like his, full of friends, busy, a REAL life. Mine consisted of being hassled nonstop at school and coming home to a shouting match between my parents.
I met another person that I should have considered my best friend at the time. Jim was awesome and he thought I was awesome too. Unlike Kyle (my friend in the paragraph above) and the rest of the congregation, he wasn't preoccupied with sports and hunting. He was into computers and video games like I was. Jim had moved to Lakeview and therefore was an outsider like I was. We had so much fun. He introduced me to a lot of bands I still listen to today. I wish I would have treated him better at times, but I think the psychological effects of my early childhood had already taken hold. Nevertheless, it was THE best friendship I've ever had. It was, in all seriousness, awesome.
I had another friend, Don, whose dad was not in the truth. He was always kind of a fringe witness, so he had "worldly" family and friends he hung out with. He was into computers and stuff too, so we got along pretty good, but didn't hang out much. His sister and Kyle's older brother Trent (elder's son) got caught smoking or something. She was disfellowshipped, Trent was let off the hook with a slap on the wrist. This event I think is what turned Don off to "da troof" for his entire teen years. Don's sister went to every meeting for a year, then asked to be reinstated. The Elders told her she wasn't "worthy." She ended up moving and requesting the same from her new body of elders, they reinstated her despite opposition from Lakeview.
When I was eight years old, my parents were talking bills or something at the dining room table. I walked into the kitchen, grabbed butter knife from the drawer, held it against my chest and said, "mom, dad, I'm committing suicide, goodbye." Needless to say, they intervened. My mom decided to go to the elders for council. After that, getting anyone to associate with me was like pulling teeth. Apparently, the elders put out an APB of sorts on me, privately labeling me as bad association among the elders' wives network. My mom decided never to go to those elders about anything again. They had a big problem back then about letting their wives in on confidential matters. I think that's how I have so much inside information about the hall.
A few non-big-family mothers let their kids hang out with me still. Jim's mom let us be friends, which is all I really needed. I survived through public school, having a new set of "worldly-people-I-hang-out-with-but-arent-really-friends" every year. They were usually the pariahs of the school. I think being a witness made me think I had to be hated by everyone to gain God's favor. So naturally hanging out with who everyone else hated who accomplish that. Of course, I also had and still have a desperate need for people to like me (you may be thinking "well, that's normal" but this is an almost irrational, crazy need that makes me useless at negotiation and routine life conflicts). I think my early school years might have something to do with it.
When I was 14, I stopped considering myself a witness. A non-witness girl at school wanted to "go out" with me (as much as a 16-year-old girl and 14-year-old boy high school student could "go out" lol) and I accepted. I felt awesome having a girlfriend. It was a feeling of normalcy that I had NEVER experienced. It was an incredible self-validation. Unfortunately, as inexperienced at relationships as I was, I smothered her. I wrote her "love notes" every day, held her hand every day. I was emotionally-starved little lost puppy. I had no sisters, so girls were this great mystery to me. One day, she went off with her friends at lunch and told me she was going ALONE. I felt hurt, betrayed, and I could only do one thing: break up with her before she broke up with me. And I did. I made a huge scene, giving her some excuse about her not giving me enough freedom (which made about as much sense as it could it my twisted little 14-year-old mind), and called it quits. This was the day before Spring Break. I tried to patch things up afterwards, but she would have none of it. I wouldn't date again until I was 21.
This experience pretty much caused me to abandon the truth, until my mom decided to take me to another congregation, one that was a 180-degree flip from the Lakeview "truth"-gulag. It was different. People were..actually..NICE to me. I made a ton of new friends. This was the beginning of my healthy personal development. I had a renewed zeal for the religion and actually got baptized and pioneered for a little while in my late teens.
My mom ended up leaving my dad just before I turned 16, and I lost touch with everyone at Lakeview for a few years. Jim ended up dating a non-witness, slept with her, and got disfellowshipped. He is still married to her, and they now have two children last I hear. I want to call him up, but I haven't worked up the nerve. I honestly don't know what I would say. His mother is still in contact with him so I don't know if I want to risk having her find out if I'm talking to him. It would get back to my mom, and all hell would break loose, hell I'm not quite ready for yet.
So that is basically my early story. I figured I'd post it here since it got deleted in my old blog.