What is the matter with people anyway?? You guys know that I went to California because my sister in law is dying... while I was there my sister and my mother who flew out there and met me, made it a living hell for me. All week long riding my ass about what they considered proper "behavior" for the circumstances which I apparently was incapable of performing. My sister writes to me yesterday ...four days after we got home...to tell me on TOP of all the crap they gave me all week that I "engaged in a self indulging rant while our brother's wife laying dying between us" ....Im like WHAT??? I was explaining to my brother whom I hadnt seen for two and a half years as we sat there with his semi-comatose wife ...why I couldnt invite my father and his wife to my sons graduation party in May...because they had done something incredibly horrible to my mother a year and a half ago...and I defended my mother against their attack...and for this "rant" my sister read me the riot act!... my sister prefaced the letter by saying "you may not want to hear what I have to say but....." so I wrote her back:
"I am sorry...that for five loooooooong days ...
....that I "cursed" and apparently needed to be corrected over and over again, publicly humiliating me, by my mother to "watch your language D---!" in front of C---'s children, their friends and total strangers ...that I used my "goddamn camera" as mom put it to document a trip that will never be repeated, and to take pictures of things my mother felt were "inappropriate" like the beautiful cemetary where she will be laid to rest, and that I apparently needed to be reprimanded for this from 50 feet away by my mother who disturbed more people by her yelling than I did with my flashless camera ....that I was a "back seat driver" even though I was asked to help navigate a trip to a place none of us has ever been to and only thought I was doing what I was asked to do ....that I laughed out loud while playing cards with my niece at hospice and needed to be reprimanded again by my mother like I was a child for "forgetting where I was" twice ...that I dared to wear "cleaning clothes" to the hospice which apparently was "disrespectful of the family" even though I had been CLEANING for three days and nobody else gave a fuck what I wore ...that I was a "know it all" because I happened to mention that Mormons don't consume caffeine and yet my brother was buying coffee from Starbucks which confused me ....that I "never let my mother finish speaking" though she had just interrupted ME to begin speaking over me ...that I hung out with "Lake Killarney" kids as a teenager and therefore became "just like them" which my mother seems to think is some despicable life form even though I married a "Killarney" person and her own parents LIVED there..and why the fuck that came up at all I don't know except to be hurtful to me since it was 37 years ago?? ...that I dared to bring along the tape of C-'s beautiful cliffside marriage ceremony and was met with looks of disdain and gasps of horror, like I was some insensitive Neanderthal, and which later C said he really WANTED to see because he didn't have his any more...and which I left with him in spite of the disparaging remarks made about it ...that I bought "too many groceries which they will never use" even though I carefully documented what they needed and what they desired to have before doing so, and paid for myself so nobody else had a right to an opinion on it...but that never stops mom. ...that I wanted to sit up higher in the stands at Matt's baseball game so I could actually SEE the game instead of where MOTHER wanted me to sit, and so was subjected to glaring stares from her for nine innings ...that I wanted to bring the sinful wine coolers we bought at the hotel to C's house, since we were going to be there all day cleaning for three days... which I was told was again "disrespectful of his religion" even though there were pink margarita glasses sitting there from a party they'd just had...that I saw when we were there the day before and he couldnt have cared less about ...that I selfishly dared to be angry about not getting to spend any more time with my brother on our last day and didn't get to say goodbye to my niece because you two, who were "only going to be gone a couple of hours for sightseeing" spent the whole damn day gone (whether it was C's idea or not) and blew off that I wanted to spend time with him too. None of you thought of coming back for me?? You were gone for 7-1/2 hours! Had I known you wouldn't return all day I wouldn't have chosen to spend that day cleaning a house! You said you were coming BACK. So I was just being "selfish" when at the end of the day I wanted to spend some time with him on my last day and you decided "he was too tired to visit any more" and drove us back to the hotel at SEVEN PM. It's a good thing you "picked up on that" because I was just too busy being selfish to notice he was tired. Yeah you offered to "talk about it" but after all the shit I put up with all week...why bother? By then I just wanted to go the fuck home. Made to feel inept and stupid by the two of you. ...that I chose to engage in a "majorly self indulging rant" while my brothers semi-comatose dying wife lay between us which "rant" pertained to explaining why I chose to defend my MOTHER'S feelings instead of catering to Dad and M's demands that I celebrate THEIR anniversary...an anniversary that represents my father breaking up our family...yeah that rant was alllll about "me." How dare I talk about something besides death and funeral arrangements with my brother! Yep..I'm seriously fucked up. I'm enjoying "continuing" the feud with Dad and M like you claim...I have absolutely nothing else in my life to do but keep that shit going. ...I'm just so sorry I didn't meet your standards and was an embarrassment to the family. Not that you care but Im majorly pissed off at you and mom for treating me like shit during that trip which was stressful enough without the two of you being the "social" police on my ass. I didn't see you correcting anybody else's clothing choices at hospice, or anybody else's topics of conversation or anybody else's tone of voice or volume or telling the kids that perhaps they shouldn't be running the hallways or rollershoeing in a hospice. What gave you the right to do that to me? Did you feel it was your "place" to do so just because I was traveling with you?? Or do you fancy yourselves as "better" than me? According to your and mom's assessment of my behavior, I'm sure people were whispering, "Gosh Cy and Ph were just icons of social grace but that Lovesdubs...shit she was a bull in a China shop. Who the fuck let her in here?" Apparently it was ok to degrade and humiliate Lovesdubs and hurt HER feelings all week. Where is THAT in your etiquette book? Trust me...it wont happen again. Yeah...this is me just being the usual "self indulging" whiny ass. The purveyor of the poison pen. Wallowing in my pity party which is all in my head. I'm just imagining all this...blah blah blah And as for your contention that I "...choose to cut off and ignore people for long periods of time to punish them" let's review...it was YOU who cut ME off because of my religion in 1994 and you who said there would be no further contact. It was MOM who cut ME off for 10 years and said she no longer had two daughters and disowned me. (her words) It was Dad and M who stopped contact with me after the anniversary party I refused to acknowledge and they who didn't speak to me until a year later... so perhaps you should get your facts straight. I'm glad I went. I will be sure to send a letter to C and his family apologizing for my abhorrent and embarrassing behavior. Thanks for setting me straight" *********************************************** ugh...