My Memorial Experience

by daniel-p 12 Replies latest jw friends

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  daniel-p

  That's right, I had to go to the memorial. I haven't been to the meetings in about 5 months, as I'm currently in the midst of a rather successful fade. Things are going swimmingly now, although they did get off to to a bumpy start. For example, after I had been "missing" from the sales meetings for about 2 months, this one brother started coming over to my home without calling ahead of time or anything. He said that just wasn't his style. He also approached my wife repeatedly at the meetings, asking her if I would see him if he came over. She didn't know what to say because, like any healthy, regular human being, she doesn't control me or coerce me into doing something I don't want to do (what a thought!). Once, as she was trying to get out of a long row of seats so she could make her way out of the KH, he quickly slided over and sat on the aisle seat, raising his legs up so she couldn't pass (he's a big man, so he's intimidating enough). He then started baraging her with questions about why I wasn't there and so forth. She came home very shaken and angry that he forced her into that awkwad situation. Needless to say, I was pissed.

  So this sort of sets the stage for what I had to get myself into by going to the memorial. I only wanted to go so I could save myself from further inquisition. So my wife and I came in about 2 minutes before it started, found a seat, and sat down. Several people stopped and shook my hand, happy to see me. It's funny, because there are those who greet you like any normal human being when they haven't seen you in a while, and then there are those who greet you like you're a recently cured leper.

  The conversations go like this:

  "Hullo Daniel! It's so nice to see you!"

  "Hi there, nice to see you to. How's things goin?" I respond, as we shake hands.

  Still holding my hand, and instead of answering my question, they say "Boy, it's so nice to SEE you! It's just so nice..." as they stare at my unshaven jaw.

  At this point, it's aware my chances of having a normal, human-style conversation with this person are nill, so I disengage my hand, nod, and walk away. Or in this case, turn back around in my seat.

  The meeting begins.

  The chairman is a younger elder, with a wooden face. Clumsily he begins the proceedings, mentioning how this is the the most important day of the year. We sing, and then he gives the prayer. For some reason, it feels like a particularly common-place prayer, with all the usual trappings of JWism, like "JehovahourGodpleaseforgiveusofoursinsandshortcomingsandhelpustoglorifyyournameandblessourbrothersallovertheworldespeciallythoseinlands..." and so on. I nod my head and say "Amen" as impercebtibly as possible, and everyone takes their seats. The speaker is the CO, and boy are we glad to have him give the memorial talk. It sounds like eveyone of his other talks: following his own outline so well that he could re-arrange all the words on the page and give the same exact talk in the same tone of voice but with all words messed up without skipping a beat. The audience wouldn't know the difference either: they've heard these phrases a hundred thousand times and when they sit and listen they recede into a semi-concious state of warm, fuzziness. The slightest chance that I might have been attracted back into the grinding fold was gone in an instant, as soon as the speaker opened his mouth. I wanted to shout in his face "Show your faith! Show us what it should feel like! Show us that you have it in you! And we'll believe you and imitate it. But you give us nothing to imitate, except ambivalence. We are pathetically perfect in God's eyes...."

  To be continued, (I need to go to work - I'll work on this when I get back tonight).
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  Confession

  Hey Daniel...

  Congratulations for working up the effort to go. I suppose if I had a wife still in, I'd do the same. But I believe next month will mark two full years since I've been to a Kingdom Hall, and I simply cannot IMAGINE doing it. When I read your account, it made my stomach tight. Of course it might be good to go just to remind myself how awful it all is. I have a friend (who's never been a JW) who wants to go with me once as a sort of goof. Maybe we'll do it.

  Best,

  Confession
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  greendawn

  The FDS got some social control mechanisms nicely worked out but they fail where they must show love and understanding, they know how to control but not how to love. And as you mentioned the WTS does not show the good example they are not really interested in promoting a healthy spiritual culture though the claim that they are the true religion on earth.
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  heathen

  They believe they show their faith by making the meetings and obeying the WTBTS . I'm sure they'd rebut you with something like that.

  All I had to do was laugh whenever the speaker said jesus was just a man and had no Godlike powers and presto there's an elder giving me the evil eye . Those people are pathetic , not only do I disagree with that statement but act in that manner was totally uncalled for .
• 

  Justitia Themis

  Once, as she was trying to get out of a long row of seats so she could make her way out of the KH, he quickly slided over and sat on the aisle seat, raising his legs up so she couldn't pass (he's a big man, so he's intimidating enough).

  What a boorish behavior!!
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  Sasha

  Yeah, "So nice to see you", but actually we could not care less about you unless you showed up here at rhe Memorial or at the meetings!
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  daniel-p

  Hey Daniel...

  Congratulations for working up the effort to go. I suppose if I had a wife still in, I'd do the same. But I believe next month will mark two full years since I've been to a Kingdom Hall, and I simply cannot IMAGINE doing it. When I read your account, it made my stomach tight. Of course it might be good to go just to remind myself how awful it all is. I have a friend (who's never been a JW) who wants to go with me once as a sort of goof. Maybe we'll do it.

  Best,

  Confession

  It was hard for me to go - I really didn't want to see anyone. Especially the few who do really care and don't understand why I haven't returned their phone calls. They have it in their head that I'm depressed or something. It was an amazing realization of how devoid the meetings are of any true spirituality. It's all a bunch of well-worn words more akin to a business meeting than a religious service. It's not mean to nuild people up, just admonish them and remind them what they need to do. It really handicaps people mentally. Everything was exactly the same, same people with blank stares and mindless comments - very depressing.
• 

  daniel-p

  ... continued from above:

  The speaker is one of those "good ol' boys" that everyone in the circuit knows and likes to slap fellow round-bellied elders on the back, chuckling. It's clear this is just another talk for him, not any more significant than a public talk, circuit assembly part, or a part on the district convention. He drolls on, consulting his outline as if it were a manuscript, because he's given it so many times it has become a manuscript in his head. Actors don't practice their lines overmuch for this very reason. An actor should be on the edge of barely knowing his lines by heart, barely rehearsing well enough to get everything right. Because life is improvisation, and public discourses like this one should also not be rehearsed so well that the speaker can't utilize nervous energy. But this guy is way beyond that because the stage is his and he's the shephard and he knows it.

  I sit in my seat, glancing round at the looks on people's faces. The ones who are new at the Hall have the most intent expressions, while the died-in-the-wool JWs look like someone removed their brains with an ice cream scoop. When I was in fully - and before I started doubting - I tried to make the memorial as important and ceremonious as I could. I would minimize what I ate that day, not drinking any alcohol at all, carrying the thought of Christ's sacrifice throughout the day, making a point to meditate regularly. I would take extra pains to dress as nice as I possibly could, shining my shoes, showering, washing my hair, shaving carefully, clipping my fingernails, pressing my clothes, basically making sure I was in as perfect condition as I could possibly be. I'm not sure why I did it. I suppose I wanted to present myself to Christ in a way, even though I would end up outside in the parking lot with my shoes in the dirt, showing people where to park their cars and getting in the door 10 minutes after the meeting began. I wanted it all to mean something. I guess I felt, even then, that the event was stripped of any spiritual meaning it could have had. The passing of the plates felt like such a sham, like it as all a big build-up for nothing. The fact that were meeting for Christ's death was almost a joke. More explanation was given for why we wern't partaking than was given on why Christ died for us. Perhaps that's why I could never quite grasp the point of the ransom. It just didn't make sense to me.

  This evening was just a sad reminder of how empty JWs are of any actual spirituality. One person defines spirituality as:

  "...a grounding wire, a lens to look at life through, the roots that hold us firmly to the ground and the trunk that holds strong against inclement weather as branches continue to grow and change."

  If anything, the lens that JWs look at life through is the dogmatic and narrow opinions of a handful of old men with god complexes. None of it is personal. To me, spirituality is intensely personal. I hate others preaching to me because it violates the spiritual growth inside me, contaminating it, stealing it away. For the first time the other day I realized why so many people reacted negatively to our door-to-door preaching work. I work in a third-floor downtown office and we don't get any walk-in business, nor expect any. Well, this guy had ridden the elevator up, ignoring the "No Solicitations" sign next to the "Up" button, and entered our office with a message from the gospel or some such nonsense. He wasn't rude, just hopelessly tactless. That was the first time I actually felt angry by someone trying to preach to me. Usually I would have empathy for Mormons or others going door-to-door because I knew what it felt like. But this time I had no empathy - I reacted strongly and defensively - perhaps more than I should have. I felt like the person was violating my spiritual space. Reaching their dogmatic hands in and meddling with my soul. I guess it sounds rediculous, but that's how I felt.

  I suppose this all shows how since I have left the JWs in spirit, I have not lost the need for spirituality. On the contrary, I feel I'm closer to finding it (or constructing it) than I was as a JW, but not close per se. Someday I may have it, but for now I'm happy being in a place without explanations or answers, and really, I don't expect my spirituality to give me any answers. As a great poet once said;

  "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." - Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

  In this sense, I believe approaching life in humility regarding life's Big Questions is the first step toward spiritual well-being, at least for me. But anyway, thanks for reading. That sums up My Memorial Experience.

  -dp
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  choosing life

  Nice write up Daniel,

  The Memorial at the kingdom hall is supposed to be the most important meeting of the entire year. Yet, as you have written, it is bland and devoid of any true spiritual feeling. It is a sales meeting for the Witnesses, just as every other occassion they can get their hands on, funerals, weddings, etc.

  The ramson sacrifice should have intense meaning for a Christian. It should be a very personal experience. I think you were trying to make up for the lack of meaning in how you prepared yourself so meticulously in the past. Once you see beyond the facade, it is imposssible not to see the glaring lack of spirituality present at this occassion.

  This was the first Memorial I missed in thirty years. I still stared at the full moon that evening and thought about Christ's sacrifice. But I know now that we are not limited to one night and I see spiritual meaning in everyday moments.

  Thanks for sharing your thoughts about your Memorial experience.
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  purplesofa

  Once, as she was trying to get out of a long row of seats so she could make her way out of the KH, he quickly slided over and sat on the aisle seat, raising his legs up so she couldn't pass (he's a big man, so he's intimidating enough). He then started baraging her with questions about why I wasn't there and so forth. She came home very shaken and angry that he forced her into that awkwad situation. Needless to say, I was pissed.

  This guy obviously has no rapport with you or your wife. I know me and I would have either kicked his leg out of the way or just turned around and exited the other way. He is harrassing and that would piss me off too.

  purps