Can I be with someone who puts the religion 1st before her kids?

by jambon1 7 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  jambon1

  When my wife and I met, we were like soul mates. We were very happy together,

  Within a short period of time we were both in the truth and got married shortly thereafter.

  Everything we did together was JW linked. We did a lot on the ministry, only had JW friends etc, etc. We were both fairly distanced from our non-JW family. As time past, I had so many doubts about the truth. Although to others I was the epitome of a hard working, spiritually minded young brother.

  My doubts and the twisted beliefs of JW`s actually caused me to spiral into an inward depression. By that I mean that no-one else knew about it. My doubts were mainly over blood & d/f. I hated how I was estranged from my non JW family. A few times I thought of suicide. I just knew that the fallout of me leaving the org was going to be so hard to deal with.

  After we had 2 kids, my depression got to a very serious point. I loved them so much and knew that they came first in my life before ANYTHING and ANYONE. The thought of my children being tortured or taken away from me just tormented me. I used to read all the accounts in the magazines and year books and just felt so paranoid and scared of the future. I knew that I couldnt act as a proper JW on issues on blood and d/f, if I were called on to do so. I began drinking heavily. One night I was so depressed that I just sobbed myself to sleep like a little boy. I was so deeply unhappy.

  Eventually, I left the org. It was very hard and it has taken me and my wife some time to adjust.

  Now, I am tormented by another situation.

  I love my wife, but I despair at her loyalty to god and the organistation. I have several times asked her how she would react regarding d/f and blood if the kids were involved. She said that she would want to deny blood and that she would see through the councel to ignore the kids if they were d/f`d.

  Im sorry, but this just drives me crazy. I feel like I have lost a degree of respsct for her over this. The thing is, I dont expect the smae degree of love myself. I understand that our children now come before each other. But I just cant see how she can accept such cruel and heartless practices.

  One time when I asked her how our kids would be judged if she were not going to the meetings, she answered that "they would perish". Is it just me or is this not sick?

  I now fear for our marriage but I dont want to ruin my kids life by leaving. But how can I love a person who puts religion before her own flesh and blood? It goes against everything naturally feel.

  J
• 

  Crumpet

  But jambon you know you were once this blind too. We all were blindly devout, unquestioningly obedient for the most part and why? Because we believed that whatever we did, including short term denial of medical assistance which could result in death now would result in everlasting life. She believes that she is saving their lives not killing them. Just like my folks think the only way to save me is to emotionally starve me, physically ignore me as if dead, spiritually abandon me, mentally forget me.

  We know now that this is perverted and as Satanic and as far from Jesus or Christianity as it is possible to get without becoming an Islamic extremist. Its like any other religion that's fundamental concept is that this life matters little compared to the next. That what we do now is only in order to obtain what comes next for ourselves, for our loved ones. Dying for our god is a small thing compared to what he promises.

  Its blinkered and brainwashed and very frightening yes. But you of all people must try and understand where she is coming from. And maybe just maybe like so many before her she would jump through lump holes to get what blood derivatives are currently acceptable.

  Maybe the best approach for now is to tell her you find this incredibly uncompassionate. That just as you found it difficult to love a god or would slaughter babies you find it difficult to understand how she can coldly dispatch of her own offspring. Use examples. Use parables - all the things that can help her get a chink of understanding for you. Ask her how you can be with someone who does not understand natural human abhorrence of such an attitude. Also ask her what she thinks about the constant changes and new light on blood and whether she does not feel its a bit cruel of God to let the kids of the 60's to 90's die because he hadn't decided to open the window properly yet. What would be the purpose of such fatal manouevuring? Especially if he does not test us - as the bible says... Would it not be more reasonable to suppose that the men professing to be his representatives on earth in fact do not have any annointed spirit guiding them and are making up the rules with disastrous circumstances or do we assume that a hapless god is in charge and if that is the case what makes her think he is worthy of worship?

  Be gentle. But ask her thought provoking questions. Even ask her questions and ask her only to think of it with an open and loving mind as the human being she is and that you married and not to reply to you straight away but come back to you with her answers at a later time like a day or two.

  I hope this helps you and gives you some positive ways to tackle such an emotional concept. It sounds like you do still love her but this god forsaken cult is dividing you. If you can empower her to think just a little for herself well who knows how exciting that could be... Enlightenment is such a wonderful gift but it generally has to come from with in and can only be encouraged and stimulated by outside forces.
• 

  carla

  I agree it is difficult to truly respect someone who puts this cult before you and her own children. I remember a poster who once was in a similiar situation and said they think of the time left until the kids turn 18 as somewhat of a prison sentence. They decided they must stay with the mate to protect the kids as much as possible from the the spouse and wt. Though they still loved the spouse, things changed dramatically when one was a jw and one was not. The plan was for the non jw to possibly/probably leave when the last kid turned 18.

  It is a situation I think most non jw's cannot understand and most jw's would see nothing wrong with your spouses attitude. I still have a difficult time understanding how jw's think family members can be throw-aways. It is a hard place to be as a spouse, to know the org will ALWAYS come first! Even harder for kids to understand. I can't tell you how many things my jw has missed with his own kids due to the org. Sadly my jw is missing the most important thing with his kids, a relationship with them. They have grown tired of him and tolerate him more than anything. He is clueless.

  You are in such a hard place and so many losses in a martial sense, my heart goes out to you. Whatever you decide plan ahead, go slow, as you have seen some jw women have freaked out and taken the kids and started a legal nightmare for the husband. Be careful. All the best to you.
• 

  carla

  PS- I was frantic when mine first became a jw and learned of the blood issue! Then with research I learned hospitals will go along with the parent who wants the child to live and give blood and sort it out later with the jw parent. Courts will side with the best interest of a child. A little hint for you though, make sure your name is on all emergency cards for school and anywhere else they have one. Make sure you are called if something should happen. Personally I don't even put my jw on the emergency card because of the blood issue and he's not around that much anyway sometimes. My eldest is out on their own now and doesn't list him for anything because he would still put the org first before their life.
• 

  garybuss

  jambon1, It sounds like your kids need one rational parent. That's gonna have to be you. Stick with the kids and stay out of a fight. Start treating your wife in your mind like she has a mental illness and needs rational support and a degree of tolerance. She'll need to be protected from herself like any mentally ill person, and the children will need to be protected from her.
  
  People like her have had quite a few dramatic recoveries and they can live long lives symptom free. One way I helped my children was to help their mother.
  
  I started by seeking family therapy with a really good counselor. I went by myself and then we went together. I didn't have a religion problem, I had a marriage problem. I had to treat the right problem.
  
  
• 

  ninja

  Jambo me old mate...I am in the exact same position....I asked my wife what she would do about blood if our kids needed it ..she said she would let me decide for them...I said "what if I'm not here"? she said the courts would take the kids and transfuse them...I then asked "what if the courts didn't?" what would you do?...she didn't answer so I left her to think about it....gets you angry don't it?....if you love your wife make every effort to stay together...if not ...hook up with crumpy...he he...kidding folks....hope things work out for you sir....ninja
• 

  avidbiblereader

  jambon1, sorry to hear about your depression and all that you are going through

  Im sorry, but this just drives me crazy. I feel like I have lost a degree of respsct for her over this. The thing is, I dont expect the smae degree of love myself. I understand that our children now come before each other. But I just cant see how she can accept such cruel and heartless practices.

  My ex, chose the religion over her daughter and besides being a day care provider for her granddaughter, she has no relationship with my daughter and it is going on 6+ years.

  One time when I asked her how our kids would be judged if she were not going to the meetings, she answered that "they would perish". Is it just me or is this not sick?

  It is sick and even sicker, she is now the appointed judge of her children, glad she is not mine.

  I now fear for our marriage but I dont want to ruin my kids life by leaving. But how can I love a person who puts religion before her own flesh and blood? It goes against everything naturally feel.

  My marriage ended but I still have my daughter, the witness viewpoint is so strange and it is unnatural, I have seen it in my own family and I just shake my head in disbelief, but you cannot change people.

  abr
• 

  Crumpet

  you love your wife make every effort to stay together...if not ...hook up with crumpy...he he...kidding folks....hope things work out for you sir....ninja

  I just spotted this - ninja you are a very naughty ninja! I can't hook up with everyone in need of consolation on the board...can I? (OH yes i see it now the Mother Tereasa of JWD...)