I think one of the major obstacles I see in remaining in my marriage is how to manage the fact that my wife is "in" and I'm not.
I am a fader, not DA or DFd (I've wanted to DA for a long time but haven't, and haven't been DFd yet).
My wife is devout but not fanatic. She's balanced in a lot of ways that traditional witnesses are not (allows the kids to take sports classes with non-JWs, for example) and recently has been making more of an effort to meet some of my complaints (for example, letting the kids play with the neighbors' kids, and making a point of telling me).
When I bring up our differences as a problem, she points to friends of hers that manage to make it, even some who have DFd spouses.
The thing that bothers me is that I know we will have two mutually exclusive circles of friends. They can overlap at some small point, depending on the people, but by and large we will have two separate worlds.
Then there is the issue of kids - what if I want to celebrate holidays or birthdays? Do I accept that she'll leave the room or the house, or not travel to a relative's house?
I know all this depends on the "piousness" (for lack of a better term) of the Witness, but I just see it as a recipe for disaster.
We have other issues as well, but I figured I'd start with this one :)
managing a mixed marriage - is it possible?
by gcc2k 5 Replies latest social relationships
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gcc2k
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M.J.
Sorry, don't have time to give a good answer now, but you'll find there are plenty here in the same boat. Including me. Sounds like your wife in many ways is like mine. Not a real fanatic, but devout. Good way of putting it. For starters I'd check this out: http://www.freeminds.org/psych/exithelp.htm
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sass_my_frass
It sounds like your situation is a little better than most others in that you're not walking on eggshells at all times. A lot of people here have to control every conversation in order to stay married, and that would be hell. If you have freedom to be who you want and importantly to talk about what you want, and she does too, you'll probably do okay. It sounds like she is more open-minded than most witness women and you should be grateful for that. She has also apparently forgiven you for cheating on her, and that's a pretty big deal.
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gcc2k
Sass - I see you read my other thread :)
I'm not sure if "forgiven" is the right word, but we're trying not to make any rash decisions. I'm working through things in therapy and it's not easy.
Getting her "out" is not an option. She's thought about it, for the sake of the marriage, and can't do it.
There are things that bother her (some things) but they are not big enough to the point where she would consider leaving.
I truly believe that the religion issue is divisive enough where it was a factor in my recent behavior (not the only factor, but it didn't help).
Having no friends you can be close to, including your spouse, is certainly going to weigh on a marriage.
If we stay together, I don't see that changing though. My friends won't be her friends, and vice-versa.
I recently met a friend of hers and her husband, and while my first thought was "hey, they're cool, we could be friends", I quickly realized that they probably want nothing to do with me, and I certainly noticed the husband staring at my beard, probably thinking "oh, that poor misguided brother".
I think the success of any mixed marriage is going to depend on the degree of compromise that each spouse exhibits. For example, if I insist that the kids not go to meetings or out in service, that's going to be a very different marriage from the one we've had so far, where I let them do as she pleases.
Likewise, if she's unwilling to accept my friends as real friends, and not just "my husband's worldly acquaintances", I don't see that working. -
Paralipomenon
I can really empathize with you. The two of you really need to discuss religion and raising the kids. You could say: "How would you feel if I told you that you couldn't take the kids to the meetings or service" This would provoke a defensive reaction from her. "How do you think I feel with you not taking my beliefs into consideration?" You should know there where you stand. If she's really into making it work you two should be able to open a dialog and discuss compromise. But be willing to compromise. If she's willing to let you do Birthdays and Christmas (might opt for celebrating outside the house initially) you must be able to stomach the kids going to meetings and service. Neither is winning, neither is losing. That's the arrangement I have with my wife, but she has been inactive for a long time so the circumstance isn't identical. The key is to not let the kids see religion or holidays as something that makes mommy and daddy fight. In the end, both parents should support what their kids pick as their own course of life. Just my two cents.
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meko123
I'm new to this and this subject really hits home. I was raised as non denominational my husband ...JW although he is not baptized. Before we got married he knew where I stood and we agreed to compromise and find something we both agreed on. His family are JW's also. But he only feels that JW's are the "truth". To keep peace I compromised and we starting going to meetings and having a study..all the while I kept hearing my mother's voice warning me inside my head against that (she died a year before we married). She warned that there will be strife, because we were "unequally yoked" in other words "how can two walk together unless they agree" type of thing. Wow! Her wisdom, if only I had been wise enough to listen. But I was young and naive. And she knew that I can't be made to do something I don't want to and ultimately it would be the kids caught in the middle of what would turn out to be a tug of war. So, I started going to the meetings (Sunday only) with him, during that time they talked about stuff that most people would agree with (i.e. spending time reading the bible together as a family) and I was starting to think maybe it's alright after all...then I decided before I take that step let me Google and see what happens...Needless to say my mind was abruptly changed, my mind was blown away...I couldn't believe half the stuff I was reading..I was like this has got to be wrong..so I asked my brother in law some questions and the first thing he asked me, rather suspicious and anxiously was have I been talking to an "apostate" and other things. So, I tried to show my husband, and he's like it's the internet..that's not reliable..and the children are caught in the middle...that was a little over 2 years ago when I first googled them. My husband had begin to compromise and we started going to Lakewood Church...then his mom caught wind of that (at first we did nothing) and then the war started raging as he's going back to the "truth" and it's just a battle. I will never join a belief that would have you choose death rather than take in blood (don't get me wrong there PLENTY of other reasons) we have children and I would never do that to them. As parents they trust us unconditionally and to do that to them, is unforgiveable. That scripture along with countless others have been taken out of context. Okay had to get all that out..Sorry. You sir are in a good place...You are the Head of Your Home...pray and take a stand. God be with you.