Physicists suggest new product safety warnings

by Clam 1 Replies latest social humour

  • Clam

    As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent
    trend towards legislation which requires the prominent
    placing of warnings on products that present hazards to
    the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary
    thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned,
    merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in
    this important area. This is especially true in light of
    the findings of 20th century quantum physics.

    We therefore propose that the following list of warnings
    appears on every product offered for sale in the United

    CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy
    Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of

    HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute
    Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in
    Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

    CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle,"
    It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same
    Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast
    It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds
    that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle
    was correct)

    ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance
    That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product
    May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and
    Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including
    Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
    Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

    ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents
    Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality,
    This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.

    PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That
    When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product,
    It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and
    Undetermined State.

    HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This
    Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent
    on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

    WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

  • Mystla

    Lol, that was cute, thanks for the laugh!!


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