My Life In The Jehovah’s Witness Organization
By Lawrence L. Henderson
The Genesis
Since the age of five I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness (JW). I can vaguely recall celebrating a birthday and a Christmas before my mother accepted the teachings of this religion. My mother came into the organization as a result of the proverbial ‘JW sticking their foot in the door.’ The JW women that taught my mother was very aggressive, as were many JW at that time. Once she accepted the doctrines, all seven of us a children naturally followed, at least as children. My father never accepted it, but he didn’t oppose my mother from being a member. His biggest hang up with the religion was the fact that the ‘Governing Body’ (men who run the organization) were all ‘white.’ Since the religion doesn’t promote African American consciousness, we all thought our father was ‘crazy,’ and we would constantly be embarrassed over his Pro-Black views and lifestyle. As I reflect on those times, any thing Afro-centric was discouraged. When I went into homes of fellow JW’s I never saw African American artwork, books, sculptures, artifacts, etc. However, the liberal arts of other cultures, as long as they were not idols, were proudly exhibited in many homes. Since that was during the late sixties and early seventies, I guess it was a reflection of the lack of consciousness by some African Americans at the time.
I have fond memories of being raised a JW. I can recall looking for my father in the neighborhood to adjust my tie before I went to the ‘Kingdom Hall’ (place of worship), he would always be in the middle of gambling or drinking a beer with his friends. On a couple of occasions, when I wanted to see something on TV I would misplace my dress socks so I wouldn’t have to go. The District Conventions at Yankee Stadium or other large facilities was a time to meet people from all over the world. We would spend all day at the convention, but as kids we would find distractions to help the many hours go by. We would constantly go to the bathroom just to walk around the stadium or coliseum. I can recall walking around endeavoring to be like the older guys by getting telephone numbers from many of the young girls. However, the best way to kill time was to volunteer in the food service or cleaning department (you could wear your sneakers for those jobs). At the end of each Convention, I could recall the adult JW’s robotically saying, “These Conventions get better and better every year.” Of course I wasn’t at that level of appreciation, I was hoping they would get shorter and shorter each year. Seven through ten days & evenings in a row was a bit too much. In fact, if left up to me and many other JW youths we would definitely not want to: Attend the Conventions or Kingdom Hall; Knock on people’s doors or stand on the street corners selling magazines; Tell our friends ‘We don’t celebrate birthdays, or any other holidays’; Refuse to participate in school sports, plays, or bands; Remain silent or stay seated during the pledge of allegiance or saluting the flag. As children we had no choice in the matter and made the best of the situation - Trying to convince ourselves and other people that it didn’t bother us - but in reality it did.
Why I Got Baptize
Basically several factors were involved with me getting baptize - positive peer pressure, wanting acceptance, and sincerely believing I was doing the right thing based on what I was taught. For most of my adolescent life I didn’t want to be with other JW youths because they would always appear too ‘preachy’ and ‘up tight’ at the Kingdom Hall and since I like to have fun they didn’t really interest me. It wasn’t until I finally listened to my mother and started hanging out with them that I was in for a rude awakening. Some of these JW youths were doing all the things my mother didn’t want me doing - smoking, cursing, stealing, having sex, drinking alcohol, etc. I’m not saying I didn’t do some of those things, but I wasn’t the one at the Kingdom Hall pretending to be an ‘angel.’ One thing I had a problem with was that I always felt that the congregation never ever respected our family, largely because my father was always hanging out in the street, we didn’t have much money, and when I was 12 my father died while my mother was pregnant with her last child. Those situations fueled much discussion about my family. I guess I resented that because I can recall during the height of my JW career telling my mother something like “remember how those parents would look down on us? Well they can’t do that anymore because we are all productive adults.”
As I got into my late teens I developed friendships with other JW youths from other boroughs and states and did many things together - ski trips, bus trips, amusement parks, bowling, etc. It was during this time that I reasoned it wasn’t all that bad being a JW - I could hang out, drink beer, and still be considered righteous as long as I did these thing with other JW’s. So I started taking the religion very seriously, reading the Bible everyday, reading all the JW literature, reaching out for greater privileges in the congregation and so forth. I even started to seriously date a JW female. However, since the religion believes in dating with the intentions of getting married, I had to break off that relationship since I wasn’t ready to get married at that time. As my progress began manifesting itself, I went the to Elders (Leaders in the congregation) and told them I wanted to dedicate myself to the organization. Afterwards, I went through the 100+ questions and got baptized in July ‘83 at an assembly hall in Harlem. I was on a so-called ‘spiritual high’ at the time, reading everything authorized in ‘Watchtower land’- Always being ‘at the feet’ of the older men in the congregation wanting to acquire additional knowledge. At this point I was officially recognized as ‘Brother Henderson’ in oppose to Larry
Getting Married
A few years later I met my current wife (of 15 years) at a JW social event in Red Hook, Brooklyn. Since we wanted to do the right thing by the Elders and the Organization, prior to our marriage, we decided to have a bible study with an Elder & his wife based on a JW marriage book. The book talked about the dangers of being of un-chaperoned, petting, and sex before marriage. It also spoke about sex after marriage, having respect for one another, and how to maintain a happy family life. In retrospect, after meeting the requirements of having a JW marriage in the Kingdom Hall I deeply regret complying with them, because it meant that my closest friends couldn’t be in the wedding party. Although they were associated with the religion, through their parents, they were not in ‘good standing’ with the congregation. Since I wanted the approval of the Organization I went along with ‘the program’ and excluded them from the wedding party, but they were invited guess at the wedding & reception. (Speaking of marriage, just last year, during my youngest sister wedding, I was slighted in a similar manner. Because of the fact that I was no longer a JW, I was not wanted or invited at her wedding or reception.) So after a year of courting, Judine and I got married - I was 22 and she was 20. I left the Lower East Side of Manhattan and we moved to Coney Island, Brooklyn. Admittedly, that bond with her was one of the few positive things that resulted from me being a JW.
My Progress In The Organization
As I submerged myself in the dogma of the organization I was gaining greater responsibilities, not to mention my new founded family responsibilities with the addition of our two beautiful children.
I volunteered for every available service, constantly talking about my faith in the public, spending hours preparing for any on stage speaking assignment. I even progressed to the point of traveling to other Kingdom Halls on speaking assignments. Being that I worked the midnight shift, I sacrificed many hours of sleep to help the congregation in any capacity possible. After years of this routine, I was being considered for the appointment of Elder. In all honestly, I really enjoyed that time. I wasn’t really doing it to become an Elder, I just loved the learning, and it just seemed like the natural thing to do - Since going to college at that time was discouraged. I was so zealous, I couldn’t understand why all the males in the organization wasn’t doing the same thing. However, as much as I treasured those times, it wasn’t as enjoyable for my wife. She was ill, with constant respiratory problems - we were in and out of the hospital. Despite her health situation much pressure was put on her to do more for the organization. Everyone, including myself wanted her to do more. I was so blinded by my progress I regrettably didn’t realize I wasn’t supporting my wife as much as I should have. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I left the organization that I realized how wrong I was. But, while I was in it was there was no stopping me. Just before I was about to be appointed Elder, I received a letter from a housing complex in Staten Island for a three bedroom apartment. I didn’t really want to leave Coney Island, but I had to take my family in consideration, so around 1993, after some of the members in the congregation had three different going away gatherings (parties) for us, we moved. This meant that I had to start all over again on my organizational career in a new congregation.
Life On The Island
Just as Staten Island is very different from the other boroughs in the city, the Staten Island congregation was very different than the other congregations in the city. It was a difficult adjustment for us in the Staten Island congregation. For one, the preaching work (knocking on doors, or strolling the streets and/or ferry terminal trying to convert people) was different - Instead of knocking on doors in apartment buildings we now had to knock on the doors of houses, even mansions at times. I can vividly remember one wintry morning when my little daughter was attacked by German Shepard dog in a women’s front lawn. Lucky, it occurred during the winter because she had a big coat to shield her from the bites. The whole episode reminded me of the attack dogs during the civil rights era. It took every bit of self control for me not to kill that dog. After we recovered, we cautiously went on to the next house. Dealing with the houses and dogs weren’t easy, but dealing with a new congregation and it’s Elders was the real challenge. The Elders were apprehensive at giving me assignments, they didn’t really know me or my family and my achievements in the prior congregation didn’t amount to much in their eyes. Understandably, they had a ‘wait & see’ attitude. However, after a couple of years of perseverance I was recommended and appointed as an Elder. I could still remember the euphoric sensation the night I heard the announcement from the stage. Interestingly, it was during my Elder years that I started having serious doubts about this organization being ‘God’s Chosen Representative on the Earth.’ Being in this position afforded me many privileges, but it was mentally challenging. Not only did I help ‘shepherd the flock’ by dealing with other peoples issues, such as: divorce, adultery, sexual abuse, teenage delinquency, fraud, suicide attempts, depression, jealousy, etc., I had to deal with the varied personalities of the established Elder-body. Speaking of which, recently I spoke to a JW (who is on the verge of vacating the organization) and he told me that many JW’s felt the reason I bolted from the organization was due to the personalities of a few strong- minded Elders. In fact, one of those Elders asked me during a conference in which I resigned as an Elder, at the headquarters of JW’s, if I ‘stepped aside’ because of him. I told him “No” and that no matter how much I disagreed with him, I wasn’t going to allow an individual to stop me from serving as an Elder. My resignation and departure from the organization was due to several factors, one of which was my disagreement with its teachings - more on that later.
END OF PART I
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Part II
My Revelation
It’s difficult to pin point a specific time or event when I started to challenge the religion I devoted my life to. My best recollection tells me it all started in 1996. Well, let me say that I’ve always questioned some of the teachings, but I was indoctrinated to immediately dismiss any doubts for fear of losing my life during ‘God’s Great War At Armageddon.’ It was during that time I started to examine World History and discovered that much of what I was taught in school and the media was biased, distorted or lopsided, including the African American history or the lack thereof. A ‘Pandora’s Box’ was opened at this point, I was fascinated not only with world history, but with global issues, such as race, politics, philosophy, and religion. Up until this point, I basely read whatever the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society published, from the late 1800's to the current time, and of course that carefully selected material was partisan to their dogma. Now that my consciousness was expanding outside of the ‘Watchtower World,’ I started thinking differently, meaning I started to challenge everything I was taught since childhood - including my religion. With the emergence of the ‘information highway’ accessing information was relatively easy. I soon was reading books and web sites filled with historical facts about the Jehovah’s Witnesses organization that I never heard of - Initially I was in denial about this information. I thought - ‘There is no way the Organization that I would have unequivocally died for, deceived it’s members into thinking they have a monopoly on salvation, and that God is using them exclusively to fulfil his purpose for mankind. Could I’ve really been that naive not to see the 115 plus years of false predictions? Not to mention, the many life concerning issues they ‘flip-flopped’ on. As much as I wanted to deny the facts I couldn’t refute it any longer, but who could I talk to about these new revelations? Reading unauthorized critical information about the Organization could get me expelled from the congregation, as well as anybody who entertained my thoughts (Interestingly, any JW caught reading this article would get reprimand.) After much internal turmoil, I decided to visit one of those ‘JW For Reform’ web sites and quickly discovered that there were thousands of people, world wide, having the same crisis in conscious - What a relief, I was not alone! I could now maintain my anonymity via the Internet and still express my concerns.
My Concerns
Time and space doesn’t permit me to relate all of my concerns, so I’ll just highlight a few. The blood issue was one I had problem accepting. During the time my wife was pregnant with both of our children and even when she was hospitalize, I can recall telling the doctors, nurses, and anybody that would listen, that we would under no circumstances accept a blood transfusion - It was a non negotiable issue - Life or Death. However, when I discovered that the organization started to permit it members to take blood fractions or components of blood, I started questioning this issue. Here’s why - When a person is in need of a blood transfusion, in most cases, they are not transfused whole blood, but fractions of blood (Plasma, Albumin, Immunoglobulins, Red & White blood cells, Platelets, etc.) For many years the Organization said these components of blood were not acceptable (They also believed in their past history that the “practice of vaccination is a crime, an outrage and a delusion” and that organ transplants are “cannibalistic.”) However, at the present time accepting life saving blood fractions is allowed (Plasma, Albumin, Immunoglobulins, Hemophiliac Preparations, etc) Here is my concern - Now that they changed their position on blood, where was the apology or reparations to the thousands of families that lost a love one when blood fractions were not allowed? Where was the apology to the families that suffered because of not being vaccinated or because of not being allowed to have an organ transplant? No apology - The only consolation to these families was basically ‘Don’t worry, you’ll see your love ones in the resurrection.’ This is hardly comforting news to a family who witness other people accepting the same life saving blood components or medical procedures that was forbidden to their love one only a few years later. While I was an Elder I saw that many of the members were confused as to which blood components that could take and which ones they couldn’t, this ignorance could cost someone their life. I’m not advocating blood transfusions, I’m just highlighting how the organization didn’t take responsibility for this fatalistic practice.
That same principal applies to another one of my concerns - Something called, Non-Combatant Military Service (Alternative Civilian Service.) For over fifty years the Organization was against serving in the military in any capacity. Some countries offered a alternative service such as community work, working in hospitals, administrative duties, etc. in exchange for military combat service. However, the Organization turned it down, resulting in thousands of young people in other countries (mostly men) serving prison time - some people serving life sentences for their loyalty to the Organization. Then suddenly, in 1996 the Organization changed it policy - Now it is acceptable for JW’s to perform alternative civilian service instead of going to prison. One would think that an acknowledgment of error, restitution or a simply apology was warranted, but none was given. Just imagine how those victims felt when the policy was reversed and they still had to serve their prison time - unfortunately, in some countries these men are still in prison. When I first heard of this I asked a few JW about it and it didn’t bother them - They considered it ‘New Light’ (meaning new information distributed from God at the proper time) and I said “people’s lives were involved” but it didn’t seem to register.
These are but a few concerns out of hundreds that myself and thousands of others had while serving the Organization. The bigger picture is this - It’s not about the blood, military, holidays, birthdays, etc. It’s about a man-made organization imposing their personal views on millions of its members - playing a ‘shell game’ with peoples lives, and taking no responsibility for their costly blunders. In my view the Organization has much to answer for.
My Resignation As An Elder
One of my responsibilities as an Elder was conducting or teaching a Watchtower lesson every Sunday, but it was ‘killing’ me teaching things that I no longer believe. It also disturbed me when we would have to visit families or individuals and I had to ‘stick to the script’ and offer counsel that I knew was wrong and outdated. The height of my discomfort was when I served on ‘judicial committees’ and had to vote on whether to expel a member or to judge the offender as being truly repentant. After a year or so of investigative research, I could no long serve in good conscious as an Elder. Up to this point the only people that knew about my internal chaos were the ones on the ‘Net. No one else knew, including my wife (Judine) - I didn’t want to jeopardize anyone’s faith. I told the Elder Body that I wanted to resign, so for convince sake, we held a meeting at the Brooklyn headquarters. I told them the responsibilities as an Elders was interfering with me handling my household in a balanced way. Knowing that excuse was full proof I used it. After a week or so, the announcement was made and that’s when the folks at the Kingdom Hall (KH) started treating me and my family differently. In their defense, I guess it was because they didn’t know what to say, resigning out of the ‘clear blue sky’ was pretty rare. I felt relieved, but I still didn’t feel free. Meeting attendance and ‘field service’ (trying to convert people) is everything to a JW, once you start missing anyone of the five weekly meetings or field service a ‘red flag’ goes up - The members start to think that something is seriously wrong. I gradually started missing the meetings, to the point of not attending any one of them. Reflecting back on those times, some of the members really tried to encourage me to come back to the meetings, but I was already mentally separated from the organization, in fact, the more I distant myself from it the more I could not believe I was in it in the first place.
The Final Break
There are basically a few ways to leave the Organization: ‘Drifting’ away or getting expelled (Disfellowship/Excommunicated or Disassociated.) I chose a combination of the two, the latter was the eventuality. Unfortunately there is no amicable way to officially leave the organization. You can’t just say, “Thanks for everything, but it’s time for me to move on” without any repercussions. The Organization has in place a system that I call ‘Religious Blackmail.’ Whereas, if you get expelled the members of the Organization are restricted from talking or having any dealings with you, this includes family members. Their warped reasoning is - The more we shun you the more we’ll shame you to come back. Admittedly, you can leave at anytime, but you have to pay the price by being ostracized. I know some incidents where parents haven’t spoken to their children (and vice versa) for over 15 years because of this dictate. In any event, when I signed up for the U.S. Army Reserves during the winter of ‘98 I violated the Organizational rules of neutrality and was disassociated from the Organization. I welcomed the annexed, but was vexed over the process or lack of.
My Process
During the time I was in Basic Training at Fort Sills, Oklahoma, I wrote my mother a letter telling her I was OK and I gave her an address to write me. She never wrote me back - I expected that, especially since I also sent her a picture of me in my Army uniform with a U.S. flag in the background (JW don’t like flags.) When I got back home I saw her while visiting my sister and she said “I gave your letter along with your Army picture to the Brothers (Elders).” Puzzled after that statement I asked “Why did you do that?” She replied “they (Elders) needed proof that you were in the Army, and the letter and picture was enough proof to disassociate you.” I blew up at this point, not because of the weak evidence, but because the whole thing was done underhandedly. I wasn’t hiding the fact that I went into the Army, in fact, I sent an E-mail to all my family members telling them I was going into the military before I left for Fort Sills. If the Elders (from my mother’s KH in Manhattan and from my former KH in Staten Island) really wanted proof, I would have gladly given them a copy of my official military transcripts. I resent the fact that the personal letter I sent to my mother is in the congregational files instead of my legitimate Army records. I was so upset during that conversation with my mother I had to leave. While I was exiting the scene, she said “Well, isn’t that what you wanted?” I blurted out “Yeah, but I didn’t want it to be done in such a cowardly and sneaky manner.” I don’t even know if she volunteered that information or if she was asked - I doubt I’ll ever know the whole story. Anyway, I guess the Elders made an announcement from the stage at some point saying I disassociated myself from the Organization (I was never notified.)
Judine’s Process
Coincidentally, Judine started to entertain serious concerns about the Organization before I did, but she never express them to me - She wanted to support me in my congregational goals. Thus, when I finally told her what I was going through, she fully understood and was relived. Her biggest issue with the Organization, besides the politics, was the controlling influence it has on families. This issue ‘hit close to home’ with the two of us, because approximately 7 years ago her mother was disfellowship (expelled) and Judine wasn’t hearing that ‘limited communication’ rhetoric - This was her mother and at this point the both of them needed each other more than ever. One of my deepest regrets in life was when I felt the need to warn Judine about the ‘dangers’ of ignoring the Organizations guide lines regarding limited contact with expelled family members. To Judine’s credit, she just ignored me and continued to keep in close contact with her mother. Judine’s process was different from mine, she’s not officially out of the Organization. However, many of the members treated her as if she was disfellowship, and will avoid her or will speak only when necessary.
Moving On
I must say, being in the Organization has served its purpose. I’ve learned many things about religion and the Bible, and it’s through this religion that I read the bible in it’s entirely at least three times, this has helped me in my comparative religious studies. I’ve also met many decent people, in fact, during my vocation as a Jehovah’s Witness, I’ve must have met thousands of individuals and families whom I’ve admired for their faith and conviction. Unfortunately, that relationship was highly conditional - based solely on membership, participation, and faith. I soon found out how fast that conditional love withers away when I resigned from my Elder position and when I disassociated myself. It was time to unleash myself from the shackles of organize religion and become my own person. Fortunately, I’m able to move on with my life because not everybody that leaves the Organization can make the necessary adjustments.
My JW Family
My relationship with my mother will never be the same. In fact, my relationship with most of my JW family will never be the same, and I’ve accepted that fact when I made my break from the Organization. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a death of a family member to really appreciate them, this was the case with my father. At this rate, the same will be true with my JW family, we won’t appreciate each other until it’s too late. I think it’s a travesty that a religion can separate families, life is too short to let a collection of man made rules cause such a division.
My Beliefs Today
Being a JW for most of my life was like living life in ‘Black & White,’ once freed I started living my life in ‘Color,’ and once I went ‘technical color,’ there is no way I can go back to ‘Black & White.’ I love my existence, I no longer yearn for God to destroy 99% of the populace. I try not to judge people based on their religion, ideas, or life style. The only theosophical matter I firmly believe is that someone or something created life - everything else is speculation. One Holy Book/Prophet is just as good as another. I refuse to label myself because I don’t want to limit my thought process. The more I free my mind from the propaganda that I was fed since infancy the more conscientious and open minded I’ve become.
Why I Wrote This Article
While I was writing part one of this article, I sent one of my sisters a draft of the article. She asked me some simple but compelling questions. Such as - “Can you be objective?”, “Why air the dirty laundry?”, and “What purpose would this serve?” I thought about these questions and my conclusion confirmed the need for me to write these things. Here are some of my reasons:
From an objective viewpoint I think I needed to write this article for the same reasons that I've written many other articles - It's informative. Most, if not all of the articles I’ve written for the paper is about information few people are aware of. Actually, there is no such thing as complete objectivity, but I feel I could be more objective than they could - Their rules and mind set prevents them from looking at both sides of the issue.
I don’t feel like it’s ‘airing dirty laundry’ for the simple fact that what may seem as dirty laundry to some people is informative to others. When you think about it, anything ever written about other people, any movie or TV special that you have read or seen is about someone or something that others didn't want to be publish or aired. For example the “Autobiography of Malcolm X” - Was he
airing dirty laundry or was he just telling his story? Where would we be without the knowledge of Malcolm X or any other peoples, cultures, or ideas? Frankly, I don't think it's fair to be silent when people’s lives are unjustly endangered.
While I was faithfully serving the Organization, I couldn’t understand why folks who left couldn’t just leave and shut up! Now that I’m on the outside I can understand their pain. Anytime a person feels they were treated as a ‘second class’ citizen (if not lower), naturally they will speak up, remaining silent only condones the error. I feel the Organization promotes that teaching by their ‘Us vs. Them’ mentally. When a person leaves the Organization, the rumor mill is in full gear, many folks have free reign to say all kinds of things (mostly negative), and the former member will rarely, if ever, get a chance to defend themselves. They will be just another ‘proverbial saying’ - “Don’t read that or think like that, because you’ll end like so and so...” Even if folks don’t say a word about the former member their actions towards them speaks volumes - Walking on the other side of the street, turning their head when they see you, or if they do look at you they will give you that disappointed or ‘shame on you’ look. Their thinking is seriously flawed if they think they are showing love to an individual by this course of action.
My intent is not getting people to leave the Organization. I feel that many would truly be lost with out such a structure in their lives. However, I would like people to see the ramifications of being involved in such an organization, it’s a decision that will effect you for the rest of your life. Interestingly, I’ve meet people who don’t really want to be in the organization, but because they don’t want to lose their family and their friends, folks they’ve known all their lives, they remain.
Conclusion
I’ve sacrificed much by departing the Organization. I took a chance of losing my wife, because if she was a stanch believer we would have had some serious problems, I’ve lost communications with all of my JW family, and I’ve given up contact with people I’ve known all my life. Due largely to my studies in the struggle of oppress people and my re-education of life, I would rather have my freedom than to be mentally enslaved to an organization. It’s been said that ‘ignorance is bliss’ but in this case I’d rather be ‘in the know’ and deal with reality than to ‘bury my head in the sand’ and be ignorant to the realness of life.
I must admit, writing this article was therapeutic. It took me two years to finally put my feelings on paper. I will rest my ‘pen’ on this subject (unless someone has a question.) Do I regret anything? Well, let me say this - It was my life experiences that has helped me become the person I am today and I would not trade that for anything in the world.