Impending Divorce

love2Bworldly

Will someone please tell me things will get better for me. I know I'm going to end up filing for a divorce in the near future, and I've already moved out. But I feel terribly guilty, as I was not really in love when I married my spouse 3 years ago--and he is ending up to be such a mess for me financially and emotionally. He has so much baggage and problems, most of which I was unaware when we got married. He owes about $120,000 to the DA for child support, he changes jobs ALL the time, he has diabetes that he doesn't take seriously, he was sexually abused growing up, and due to his blood sugar and our marital issues--we are only intimate every few months. Whatever feelings and caring I felt toward him before have totally vanished because I am fed up and don't even like him right now. He just got served with an eviction notice, which has my name on it also.

He wants to get a loan with a lien on our car to catch up. We've had financial problems since day one of our marriage, and I was able to bail us out because twice I received large lump sums of money from property and inheritance.

Anyway, I just needed to vent. I already have an apartment for me and my 2 kids, but it's hard for me to sever the ties. I did not want a divorce 3 months ago when I got my apartment but now I do. I just need to be strong, but it's so hard. And he's trying to make me feel guilty by keep telling me that marriage is supposed to be through thick and thin.

Anybody out there who's been through a recent divorce, do you have any comforting words for me? I feel so damn depressed.

robhic

All I can really offer you is cliche. My wife split unexpectedly on me during a very troubling time with my 15 yo daughter. (To make that make more sense, this was my 2nd marriage. First wife and mother of my daughter had died a few years earlier.) It wasn't her biological daughter although they got along well.

I was devastated by the impending separation (and ultimately divorce) and the timing didn't help one bit! I pursued her (wife) thru marriage counseling, etc. for 7 months but her mind was made up. It wasn't for religious reasons because neither of us was JW (or really anything).

I missed her terribly and I basically put my life on hold for a while. I concentrated on work and my daughter and slowly, the pain diminished.

So therein lies the cliche: It will get better. I know that does nothing to make your situation any less painful and real but it will get better. If you can just spend some time feeling like shit and sorry for yourself and then concentrate on other things you will slowly improve.

Call on friends for support and company if and when you feel like it. Let them help you with things both mentally and physicaly should you need it. Allow yourself "alone time" when needed and just wait.

Not a lot of help but I wish you all the best and I promise that no matter how bleak it looks now, it will get better. Good luck to you.

MegaDude

Agree with the above poster.

You feel miserable for a while, maybe a long while, then it begins to leave you and you get your equilibrium back.

You're doing the right thing for you and for your children. You don't have to let yourself be used. Do not get yourself more financially entangled with an irresponsible person.

south african beef

I agree with the above poster.

Things will definitely get better. It may take time or things may turn out better quicker than you expected.

I was sad for my kids during my divorce but my relationship with my children is stronger now than ever. I wish you luck and support. If you are sure you are doing the right thing, and by the sound of it you are, then things will work out for you in the long run.

All the best.
SAB

Calico Ethel

You will get through it, as I did recently. I felt horrible when I kicked my husband out, but it was strange how happy I was the day after the divorce. There was a period of many months in between though that I felt like crap. I did hate him for awhile afterwards because I found out he had cheated on me, but then I let that go too. I now don't have hatred for him like I once did and I have moved on with my life. I am enjoying life once again and discovering myself all over again. You will get through it and talking with friends, family, us...will help. I've talked to so many people about what happened between my ex and I and it really releases all that pent up frustration you have. Let it all out!!! You will feel better. Cry if need be, don't hold back the tears. They will go away after awhile. You have to trust me that things will get better for you and you don't have to feel bad for what you did. It's not right to stay with someone just because - you have to have deep love for them and if that's not there, then you shouldn't be either.

hope things get better for you. PM me if you want to talk more

love2Bworldly

Thanks for your replies--you don't know how much I appreciate them.

Even though I don't want to be married to my spouse, I want to stay friends with him but don't know if it's possible.

Thanks again--you guys give me hope. I just needed to hear from others that a lot of people go through the same thing, and I have to let myself grieve. I had really hoped that things would work out and I'm disappointed that my husband is not working toward making any changes--although he has promised over and over again that things will get better.

Elsewhere

He sounds like a very self-destructive person. If he wants to crash and burn there's no reason you should go down with him.

robhic

I had really hoped that things would work out and I'm disappointed that my husband is not working toward making any changes--although he has promised over and over again that things will get better.

If you are anything like I was, this may help you in an odd sort of way.

The fact that you are trying to be nice and stay friendly while he seems to not want to make changes may eventually make you mad as hell with him. If you get mad (like I eventually did) then it will make the situation a bit easier to take.

When the other person won't put forth the effort that you do and the fact that it seems his financial problems are a component here will have an effect, in my opinion. You try while he doesn't and will probably still have money issues that you may get some blame for for not helping out (again...) with. It will make you a little more comfortable being divorced.

My last visit at the marriage counselor was very nothing, as most of the visits were. I was trying, my wife wasn't and it was making me angry. This last visit I just had had enough, told her and the counselor to go 'F' themselves and walked out, never to see either again.

It will take time. As others have said maybe a long time, maybe not. You may be surprised when you wake up one morning and realize that something has changed and things are better!

Again, good luck to you and I wish I could say or do something to "fix" it for you but my magic wand is broken right now.

minimus

You don't sound "ready" for a divorce, just yet. Might I suggest a legal separation first? Then you can handle your monetary situation, the court will force him to care for his responsibilities, you can see where it's all going and then you can make a good decision without feeling regret.

love2Bworldly

Actually Mini--I do feel ready to be divorced, because I don't want to be his wife anymore but I do want to be his friend. The relationship is way way too dysfunctional and co-dependent for me to continue being his partner. I am the first person he confided to about his childhood abuse--which explains a lot about the way he is, and makes me feel very guilty for abandoning him; also his mother was sickly and depended upon him from age ten to buy groceries riding in a cab etc, so he had no childhood.

He has gone to a few counseling sessions, not recently, and he seems to get a thrill from changing jobs and/or interviewing for jobs because he ALWAYS gets offered jobs. Then he will work for a couple months, get pissed off at the company politics, and then work for a new company. He is 45, has no retirement plan, and can't keep medical benefits on his own. This has been going on for the 3 years we've been married. (Before we were married, he had been working at the same company for about a year.) He has also many times been ill or become injured and lost jobs due to taking extended medical leaves. He has blown up 3 different computers due to his porn addiction, because we always get viruses, and he ALWAYS lies about using porn. I've told him so many times that I am not mad at him because he has an addiction, I am mad because he is constantly lying to me about this stuff and he won't take care of my intimacy needs.

Anyway, I'm just venting. I just don't want to stay married to someone because I feel sorry for them. And I feel that I shouldn't stay in a relationship with such a selfish person.

Thanks for letting me vent people. I feel a little better now.

Impending Divorce

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