by schne_belly 26 Replies latest jw friends

  • hopie


    Losing a loved one is like losing one in death, it is heartbreaking to say the least. I was experiencing chronic depression for 10 years when I lost my daughter to this CULT.

    My choice was to rejoin, and become a member again, so I could communicate with her, show her their cult-like errors and expose her elder husband as a child molester. It took two years, but it was worth it.

    I realize not everyone is in the position to go that far, but I had a lot of help and encouragement from my other daughter.

    There are different ways to deal with this kind of loss, and each individual needs to deal with it that is best for them. But it does get better than worse. With all the expose' about Jehovah's Witnesses now in the news media, it will help the members be able to see they are in a cult.

    It also helps a great deal too when a member is personally affected by their own body of elders, when they are unjustly treated, then their eyes will be opened. This happens more times than not.

    With you in spirit.....hopie

  • DubBeachBabe

    I'm sure there are many good people watching these discussions who know you want to leave, but also know that this is what may await you - family alienation and pain.

    If you haven't already overtly left, my advice to you is this: don't succumb to the disfellowshipping process . Avoid it in any way you can. Read that again: avoid it in any way you can. Remove yourself from the self-appointed judicial authority of Jehovah's Witnesses.

    In that way your family doesn't feel obliged to ignore you. Unless they are seriously hardcore, after time you will just become the wordly son/daughter/relative, but you'll still be able to (1) love them as hard as you can, (2) spend quality time with them, and perhaps even (3) subtly open their minds to what they're caught up in. (The third option is unlikely though!)

    How to avoid the DF process?

    Firstly, don't do anything, for now, that is a black-and-white disfellowshipping offence. Now is not the time to take up smoking or to set up home with the partner to whom you aren't married, or to appear in the newspaper as Santa Claus at your local mall.

    But the following things are not DF offences: not attending meetings, not doing field service, spending time with non-JW friends, getting a good education, moving away from your home congregation, getting a good job, joining sports clubs, developing countless interests that aren't related to religion. The list is long. (Maybe that's another thread.)

    Put a bit of time and space between yourself and the JW judiciary system.

    Carry on loving your family and being a brilliant son/daughter/parent/aunt...

    There is a rule, unwritten I believe, though I haven't read the elders' manual so I can't be sure, that if someone is not considered by their community as a JW for 5 years or so then they fall outside the ambit of the judiciary system. Some elders disregard this, but let's face it, their work is cut out for them spying on current members of the congregation, and gathering evidence and conducting hearings on those that choose to remain accountable to Jehovah's Witnesses.

    Keep on loving your family.

    And then one day, I hope and pray, one day you'll realise that you're free. No elder will care about calling you in. Hell, no congregation will consider you theirs to worry about!

    All the best in your journey, and in discovering who you really are.


  • Thinkagain

    Not to change the subject, here is a place to order exjw shirts

    for the feast!!!! GREAT...

  • Warlock


    She went from one addiction to the other, and now wants to go back to the original addiction? She will never last.


  • Junction-Guy

    Everyone deals with this differently, there are so many variables involved, especially if you still have family in it. I am a grown adult now and their doctrines have no sway over me whatsoever, however Im still angry about the JW experience, not just mine, but for all of the children who had to suffer under it. It bothers me that they have gotten away with it scot free for so many years, but I do take comfort in the fact that thanks to modern technology they are being exposed to the 4 corners of the earth for the misery they have caused. Dont worry about occasional flareups, for they are only natural, considering the damage they have done in many people's lives. Dave

  • Arthur
    How do I proceed without letting them win, without letting them enrage me every few weeks/months and bring up old pains. Will my family and I ever 100% get over it? Is this even possible with some of our family members still stuck in this religion?

    It's funny. A good friend of mine and I had a long conversation about this very subject tonight. He gave me some good advice. He told me that I must treat my JW family as if they are mentally ill. (no kidding) He said that I must accept the fact that I will never, ever get my family to understand my feelings or see things my way. He told me that as long as I expect my family to see things my way and to come to some kind of mutual understanding with me, I will go into the same cycles of rage and hurt feelings; therefore, once again being a victim.

    My friend told me to have compassion for my family in that they truly believe with 100% certainty that their beliefs are the truth. He said that when I engage with them, I will need to treat them as a delusional, mentally ill person. (because of their indoctrination) I will just have to placate and humor them, while at the same time refusing to even allow the subject of religion to come up. He said that I will have to live with whatever consequences happen (shunning, etc.) The most important point is that I do not tie my self-esteem, or peace of mind to their actions. If I do this, I am only setting myself up to be victimized by them.

    This will truly be a very difficult process. It will be painful at times. But he reminded me to have a strong support system. When I told him about this website that I use for support, he responded: "Great! Keep doing it."

    This helped me; I hope it helps you a little bit.

  • DubBeachBabe

    Hey Arthur

    I agree with your friend about not discussing doctrine. Absolutely. It doesn't help to try and get family and friends to see things your way.

    But there is one area where I disagree with your friend:

    My friend told me to have compassion for my family in that they truly believe with 100% certainty that their beliefs are the truth.

    No. One thing exJWs should never forget is that they, you, me, millions of other people, were once like your family, and yet now we are out. We didn't go from 100% to zero overnight.

    That means that it's almost guaranteed that some of your family members are at 85%, or at 50%, or close to leaving but are still singing 'Let's watch how we walk and watch how we talk...'

    Please don't treat them like mentally deficient people, but rather as people torn between how they feel and how they behave.

    So your challenge is to not engage in discussion that forces them to be schizophrenic!


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