I posted my story on here a couple of years ago, I'm sure if you look on my profile you can find links to those original threads. Suffice it to say alot has happened since that time. I would like to say that I have been visiting this site daily looking for encouragement and fellowship but that hasn't been the case. I've toyed with the idea of writing some sort of "follow-up" but wasn't exactly sure where to start, considering that there have been so many developments since I last posted on here. Anyway, I guess I will start with something "not-so-good" and go from there: In June of 2003 I moved from Memphis, TN to Springfield, IL to live with a girl that I met, of all places, online. She had an 11 year old son and we lived together for a little over 2 years. During this time she introduced me to her brother and we became really good friends. He, as I found out, is a card carrying member of the Church of Satan and at first you can imagine how my residual JW sensibilities made me proceed with caution. After a while, however, I realized that regardless of this man's beliefs he was a compassionate, intelligent indidivual. I had also not meet someone who knew so much about the Bible, believe it or not. He was not approaching his disdain for organized religion from a standpoint of ignorance, lets say. He even loaned me a copy of "The Satanic Bible" by Anton LaVey with one caveat "Just don't become a Satanist, ok?" I didn't, of course, but the ideas set forth in this book were reveolutionary to me. At this time of my life I was looking to distance myself from my old ways of thinking that were still influenced to one degree or another by the Society's teaching and this was one way of doing it. I counted it as progress that I could "expose" myself to such teachings and viewpoints and yet still remain myself, with my conscience intact. That reading such material didn't mean that I was doomed to adopt them as my own beliefs. This, I feel, was a major step in my healing process. It was around this time that I began thinking of myself as an "agnostic." My basic understanding of that belief is that one believes that there is some form of "all powerful being" but that such a being is not knowable nor is it interested with the affairs of humankind. At any rate, I was gaining a measure of comfort from the fact that, although I had been and continued to be shunned by my former friends and even my own family members, I was the better for it because I had an open mind and that I was probably closer to understanding God (as much as any human can be) than any of them ever would be. Eventually my girlfriend and I broke up and I started dating another girl who lived in Springfield, as well. At the time I was working in a pharmacy and I became addicted to prescription pain medication. So much so that I wound up getting arrested and jailed for about a month. That was probably one of the worst experiences I have ever endured in my life. But I did gain a better appreciation of God while I was locked up (Big surprise, right?) What I took away from that experience was that, as the Bible says in John chapter 1 "In the beginning the Word was." Which is to say that, no matter what I was doing before I got there, no matter where I was or what was happening, the wisdom of God's word was there all along. His message was there before that jail was even conceived and it would be there long after I was gone and so was that building. But it took me getting locked up to re-discover it. I have since developed quite a fondness for the message of Ecclesiastes. It's recurring theme of "everything having an appointed time" is something that I ponder alot, expecially considering the events that were to follow. Eventually I was released and was put on probation. Things with my current girlfriend were deterorating and around that time I started a myspace account and began writing blogs. I enjoy writing and the advice given to anyone who wants to write as a profession is to write every day. So I set a goal to write a blog entry ever day and I stuck with it for a few months. The mojority of those first blogs dealt with my relationship with my girlfriend at the time and the eventual breakup but along the way I was looking at other people's profiles and inviting them to read my blog. One of these people was a woman from Indiana. She began reading my entries and soon after we started communicating via email and on the phone. I finally broke up with my girfriend and got my own apartment. I hadn't lived by myself in many years and was feeling proud of myself. Shortly after this Lori (the girl from Indiana) and I started dating. As luck would have it she had to travel from Indiana to Illinois once a week to go to class. I was 2 and a half hours from her home in Indiana and an hour from where she went to school so, every Saturday night she would drive and stop in Springfield, we'd spend the night together and then all day Sunday then Monday afternoon she would drive to her father's house and go to school later that night, then drive back, we'd spend Monday night together and then Tuesday morning she would drive back to Indiana. Things were going well and not a month after we first met she proposed to me. I accepted and so now we're engaged. She is an absolutely incredible woman, bright, funny, compassionate, determined and she has taken quite an interest in my experience with the JW's and my family. Then came February. On February 9th her father passed away from a massive heart attack. Her relationship with him had been strained but within the last year they had grown closer than ever before. I traveled with her to her father's home town for the funeral and when I returned I noticed that I had received an email from, of all people, my older brother. All it contained was a link to an online obituary. It turns out that my grandfather (not a JW) had passed away the same day that we were having the funeral for Lori's dad. The online obituary had a link to sign an "online guestbook" and so I did. I put my phone numbers and my email address on there, not thinking much of it. A few days later, however, I received an email from my cousin. She and I had not spoken in many years, actually, around the time I got disfellowshipped, I assumed that no one in my family, JW or otherwise, would want anything to do with me, so I never attempted to contact any of them and I surmised that since none of them tried to contact me, that I was correct in my assumptions. I was wrong. Through that email I have since reconnected with my cousins and my Aunts and Uncles, none of whom are JW's, and have been given a blessing and a sterling example of what true Christianity is all about. They have welcomed me back with no reservations and have even gone out of their way to help me right some of the things in my life that I have been struggling with for years. But my "run-ins" with my siblings have not quite gone away. It turns out that at the time of my mother's death (in 1989) my grandmother had purchased a life insurance policy on her. The proceeds of which, following her death, were split four ways and placed in trust until we reached a certain age. My other 3 siblings received their trust money back in 2001 but, since my Aunts and Uncles didn't know how to reach me and because my siblings had "written me off" I never received mine. I have since found out that my sister had actually attempted to convince my grandmother to sign over my trust so that I couldn't get my hands on it. Her reasoning was that, if I had access to the money, I most likely would have squandered it and, thinking back, she was probably right. That much was a bit of a blessing but the fact that she tried to intercede really torques me. But my siblings have sunk much lower than that. From what I understand, once my grandmother died back in 2004 my Aunts and Uncles went through her belongings and found a couple of boxes of things that had belonged to my mother. Most of the contents were documents, pictures, things of that nature. Apparently, however, there were also some diaries included among her belongings. As I understand, about 8 in all. I was almost overwhelmed by this revelation. I lost my mother when I was 14 and that loss has plagued me from that day on. Now, all of a sudden, I am being informed that my mother had kept diaries. I was quite anxious to have an opportunity to read them. I talked to the lady that "adopted" us after my mother's death shortly after learning this and asked her to relay a message to the three of them that I was interested in having a copy of these diaries. She assured me she would pass on the message and that was that. A few weeks went by and I called her back and asked her if she had mentioned that to them because I had heard nothing further and she assured me that she had and that she would remind them. I was very polite and said if they wanted to just send me copies that would be fine. She agreed, but I found out soon after that from my Aunt that all three of them had read the diaries and it hadn't "gone well." Apparently my big brother read all of the diaries but my little brother and sister had only read a portion of the first one and decided they wanted nothing more to do with them. From what I understand the contents were so disturbing to my sister that she nearly got hysterical. It then occured to me that perhaps they would let me see the diaries, but that they would censor them beforehand and I told Nancy (the lady who adopted us who's husband is also an elder) to warn them that if they altered my mother's diaries in any way I would never forgive them. They decided instead (by committee, as I understand it) that I would not be given access to the diaries. During this whole time I didn't contact my siblings directly for fear that they might get upset and decide to just burn the diaries which they did threaten to do at one point. What they finally all decided was that it wasn't fair that they had access to the diaries and I didn't so they agreed to give the diaries to a thrid party for safe keeping so they would no longer have access to them. I have no way of knowing what is contained in those diaries but I suspect it is something that schocked their JW sensibilities. I cannot help but surmise that their religious beliefs have a bearing on their decision to keep these diaries from me and knowing this just sickens me. As my cousin pointed out "Aaron, they just don't want you to heal." I couldn't agree more, and I suppose that is one of the "fruitages of the spirit" that I missed when I read the bible.
Update on my story...
by ZeroKool29 6 Replies latest jw experiences
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coolhandluke
damn dude. you have been through it, but from what i can see you have a good lady who has your back and you do, really really do seem to be healing and growing and improving as a man. i give you such respect for that. continue what you are doing. your relationships if you live long enough will come full circle... they just will, believe that. everytime i see this in my life i am awed and amazed and almost willing to believe in god.
CHL
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serendipity
Hi ZK,What an interesting story! It sounds like your well on your way to living a real life, some good, some bittersweet, some difficult. Congrats on the upcoming wedding.
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unique1
Wow, that was quite a story. You really have been through a lot in the past few years. I hope the keeper of the diaries one day sees fit to let you read them. I hope for your sake that it is all smooth sailing from here on out. Reconnecting with your cousins, aunts and uncles is wonderful. Best of luck to you and Congrats on the engagement!
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Ms. Whip
If you seriously want these items and don't think you are going to get them any other way.
Get a lawyer. If your mom didn't have a will, her possessions probably go to her children. All of them.
btw...welcome back to the board.
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ZeroKool29
Getting legal counsel did occur to me, one of my uncles is a judge, after all. I don't know if he handles anything like this situation but I'm sure he would know who to contact regarding it. I don't know if I have any kind of legal recourse or not. The most aggravating thing was that the 3 of them pretty much LIED and told my aunt that the reason they weren't allowing me to have access to them was that, according to our "foster mom", my mother supposedly told her before she passed away that should something happen to her she had some diaries and that she didn't want anyone to get ahold of them. I spoke to "foster mom" and she assures me she said nothing of the sort because my mother never told her anything like that. She wasn't aware my mother had kept diaries.
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fullofdoubtnow
Hi ZeroKool,
That's quite a story, thankyou for sharing.
Congratulations on your engagement, I wish the two of you a wonderful life together.
Linda