Just have to vent about supposed full grown son

by restrangled 30 Replies latest social family

  • parakeet

    22 years old is an age where many are still "kids." But it's also an age where the transition needs to begin for the child to become an adult. Don't make things too easy for him or he'll never learn, and many things he needs to know about life aren't learned in college, either.
    When my son was 22, my husband and I despaired he would ever grow up. He was scatterbrained, careless, took everything for granted, etc. He's now 30 with a job at a major corporation and is getting married soon to an absolutely lovely girl. So the point is, they eventually do grow up, but even in their 20s, they often need some parental guidance, usually in the form of tough love.

  • serendipity

    Hi re, That situation sounds frustrating. It's probably better to set down the rules now so things don't get worse. Your son may even be angry at y'all for laying down the law. He'll get over it. I started tough love with my daughter in her teens. I hope it isn't needed in her 20's.

  • TD
    ......feels that he is entitled to own $20 pairs of underwear, $200 pairs of jeans, etc. at someone else's expense; That's irresponsible.

    Yes. Responsibility is not a "point of view." 22 is way too old to be expecting luxuries from Mommy and Daddy.

  • restrangled

    Just to clarify things, He was forced to leave at 20, he made enough money to maintain himself, while we periodically sent money for emergencies. We spent money on college which he had flopped out of, which we are now again paying for the same classes. (community college at this point.

    This was a boy who went to private school up until 6th grade, was contacted by a major college by 8th grade and was given the privilage in high school of running their entire computer system. earned a degree from Bill Gates as a Microsoft Certified Professional by 16, and went through the entire course for Cisco by time he was a senior. His teachers told him he scored higher on all Cisco exams than they ever did. Guess what...He never took the final exam so now we are repaying for his education in cisco.

    I am so ashamed as a parent. I am close to ringing is neck. Why isn't this kid ashamed? What do I do? throw him out? He builds computers from scratch. He has exceptional art experience, his computer art and hand drawings are breathtaking.

    How far as a parent do you have to go? How much money has to be laid out?

    I was married and working full time at age 19.

    I am so tired.


  • jgnat

    Going from softy to hardy overnight will be a rude shock. I suggest you ease him in to it.

    I was always a toughlove parent. When my children were 16/17 I realized they had NO experience with money, so I put them on a monthly budget for their clothing/recreation. When their money was gone, they dressed in rags. (Well, one child did. The other launched herself as a veritable Martha Stewart, handwashing her jeans). But both learned what it felt like to fly without a safety net. That's what your boy needs to feel.

    It's almost counterproductive at this point to yank back all the support. Because then he can continue to blame mommy and daddy for all his problems.

    Instead, insist on a budget, and have him come up with a plan for a part-time job so he can wean himself off your support. Call it an independence plan. As young teenagers, my children loved the word independence above all. After a few years with me, however, where I connected independence with responsibility, they shuddered when I said, "I think it's time I gave you some more independence." They now knew what it meant.

    I noticed that when my children hit their twenties, they were far more prepared than their peers on handling money and living on their own. So I know this works.

  • jeanniebeanz

    I would be pretty upset if this were me. There is something so maddening about talented intelligent people who are too lazy and irresponsible to really live up to their potential.

    I hope, for your sake, that you hold him to the 'get a part time job and pay for the damage' line. 20+ year olds with an attitude of ingratitude can throw some intense temper tantrums and lay some mighty guilt trips. Don’t waiver.

    And, collegegirl, your comment was snide and spoke volumes about your own attitude of entitlement. Grow up.


  • LDH
    I defy anyone buying this crap to disagree.

    I disagree. LOL. but mostly cause I buy the stuff from ebay, and a seller called Hong Kong Bazaar? or something....I only believe in designer clothes to the extent that they're cheap.

    collegegirl, your comment was snide and spoke volumes about your own attitude of entitlement. Grow up.


    Amen sis.

    I would not have paid for the Cisco the second time through. He had a chance, he blew it.

    Here is a good rule of thumb....something for something is always worth more than something for nothing....time for the gravy train to dry up.


  • LDH

    Of course, Collegegirl will have a much different perspective when she bears the dreaded moniker "parent."

  • wednesday

    I felt weary just reading your posts, RS. () I bet you feel exhausted a lot. I have 2 adult children, and mine are older than yours (I married as a young teen in typical jws fashion). It can get much worse if you don't let them suffer a bit of the consequences of their own actions. I have spent so many years trying to make up for the things they did not have b/c of us being jws.

    I do believe parents should help their children if they have the means to do it. It is a tough world and hard to get that ffirst house or car without a little help. I see nothing wrong with a helping hand. But once given, if your children don't start showing signs of becoming adults and assuming responsibility for their own way in life, then you may have given too much, or they may need a lesson in reality.I totally agree the 20's are still a time for them to be learning. many are not adults and able to take on full adult responsibilites. They may need a few more years of parental assistnace.

    The army used to be really good for that kind of stuff, it will usually stop that behavior .I've known more than one boy to got to the army and return a responsible adult. Nothing like having your peers laughing at you and calling you "mommy boy" to grow you really quick.


  • Balsam

    Yah sometimes we just have put our foot down, give them the rules and quit being the bottomless pockets for our kids. Sounds like your son left you holding the bad on the Cisco deal without a second thought. Tough love comes to mind. I would never buy my kids the expensive clothing they wanted unless it was off a 75% off rack, and told them when they got a job they could buy what they want. Thankfully my sons 22 & 18 don't ask for money, but they blow a lot from what they earn unwisely. I just try to back off and let them reap the consequences of their behavior as best as I can because I just can't give anymore. If they want to go to college they've got to find their own way I can't help them.

Share this