Can you let go?

by whyamihere 26 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  diamondblue1974

  Those who have family still in, do you really care what they think of you? Or, do you secretly hide the apostate or ex-jw lifestyle from them? What for? I know many of us will say "Well I love my family, I want them in my life and that's why I am in the fade mode." Why should we want someone to be in lives if we have to live a lie? Also, we know if they ever really knew our thinking process they would cut us off in a heartbeat. So why we do continue? They lead the life they want to presue, why shouldn't we? Think of it, those who live with/or near current JW's know about their actions regarding the religion. These such ones can talk about the "Meetings" and "Service time" etc. Yet, thee EX JW in the household can't talk about "JWD" or "Aposta fests" etc... Why can't we tell them that we don't want to hear about the religious activities or talk about what they learned, as they do with us?

  Our history is something that shapes our lives and makes us who we are, to that degree can we ever let go of who we are? Putting it bluntly. no I dont think we can.

  But can we come to terms with our history? absolutely! Thats why we are here I suppose, both to come to terms with what has been such a controlling influence in our lives for such a long time and to hopefully help others do the same. Family is a different issue and we all make our individual decisions as to how to approach them in terms of our views and beliefs (or even lack of).

  I agree with you Brooke that ideally, we should resist their attempts to stunt our own personal and spiritual growth and be able to be open about our position and beliefs but the reality is often too costly in terms of being shunned by those who should love us more and without conditions.

  DB74
• 

  DHL

  Emotions can - as some already stated - be the true reason why moving on is so difficult.

  Look at me: I'm completely done with the doctrin since long but I haven't yet moved on when it comes to my JW-parents. And you know why: My real problem isn't my JW-past. My real problem is my low self esteem. Sure, it was installed in me during childhood as a result of my parents being part of this org. But this can't - and shouldn't - work as an excuse. Emotional pain can make for a question like "Why don't they love me the way they should, why don't they behave like I want them to? I had to learn that that's the wrong question. Instead I have to ask myself: "Who do I love the most, who is the most important person to me in the world?" As long as I can't honestly answer "ME" and live it, I'll be in trouble.

  So to me personally moving on means building up self esteem. No problem, one could say, but you can't buy self esteem at the grocery store. It's more like attending the gym regularly, learning how to work out and then patiently building it up over time. I know by now that there will definitely come a time in which I'll be able to tell my parents "goodbye" and feel fine with it. And it is then that I will have finished moving on from my past. After that there will only be remembrances but they won't have the power to hurt me anymore.
• 

  freedomlover

  brooke I can so go along with what you are saying....sometimes I question why I can't just cut say "F you all, take me or leave me the way I am now!~" I don't know though, it's usually not that simple.
  
  I think in so many ways you can't just make a quick chop and be done because you have to replace the things/beliefs/people you are losing with NEW ones, and that takes time to do. It's probably a subconscience survival tactic we have.
  
  good thread BTW - not to say I don't like your other threads.......(wink)
  
  hey, where's that brother of yours? You came and teased us with him, and now he's nowhere to be found....... :(
• 

  wanderlustguy

  You can't really stop caring about how your family feels about you, it's your family, they're supposed to love you no matter what. The firther you get away from the troof and learn what love is SUPPOSED to be, it's even harder and you hope maybe things will change. Maybe it's just too much to give up on the family vision.

  I don't know the answers, I wish I really didn't care. In the past I have always been the one to make the phone calls, etc anyway.

  Maybe when we get past what might have been, we'll be truly free.

  WLG
• 

  anewme

  Good discussion. I think letting go and turning the back on the organization and family is entirely individual.
  
  In most cases the fading scenario is out of extreme love for the family members, more so than out of fear.
  So in my view, the apostate who lays low and fades slow AND the witnesses who patiently put up with an apostate in their family are both showing in some cases a very high spiritual love towards their family member.
  Both are sublimating their freedoms and desires in hopes the other will join them.
  
  It is a delicate dance. The situation changes when one partner or member becomes impatient and demands relief from the frustration. Thats when the all out war begins and definite sides must be taken.
  
  
  Peace and tranquility are all so important in family life and the human soul. No one can suffer forever.
  Everyone hopes for resolve. Both the witnesses and the apostates show patience to a point.
  
  Some of us reached that point with our families after years and years. Me, 35 years of meetings, service, conventions and tears. I was now an older woman, looking back on a life spent obeying the JWs. The lifestyle was killing my spirit. My spirit cried out for relief.
  
  I reasoned that my spirit was conceived 50 years ago. My parents brought home a little girl with the hopes she would be happy in life. I was not living according to the purpose I was created.
  All these people, husband, inlaws, nieces, nephews, witness friends were people that came along afterwards BY CHANCE!!!! CHANCE LED ME TO THE JWS. CHANCE WAS HOW I MET MY HUSBAND. CHANCE CHANCE CHANCE.
  
  I AM NOT GOING TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE MISERABLE DUE TO CHANCE EVENTS. WHAT ABOUT CHOICE???????
  WHAT DO I WANT?????
  It boils down to the love for my acquired family took second place to the real desire in my heart for a different life. I loved them less than I loved myself and staying alive. I could no longer sacrifice my soul for others. I could no longer keep quiet about my feelings.
  
  Today I sit here almost a year on JWD. I left my family and friends far behind me. I sent a brief note to them to please notify me if there are any deaths in the future. But outside of that we will never see each other again.
  
  
  I am now at peace with that,
  
  Anewme
• 

  whyamihere

  brooke I can so go along with what you are saying....sometimes I question why I can't just cut say "F you all, take me or leave me the way I am now!~" I don't know though, it's usually not that simple.

  
  

  
  I never said it was simple. It just gets to me how most of us are on the same page as to how we feel about the WT or JW Religion if you will, yet we are still in some way controlled. Things are easier said than done. I can't simply leave everything I have known all my life and not look back once in awhile.

  The reason for the thread was to get some insight as to other people thinking patterns. Much like a "Getting to know you thread" in some sort of way. We are all different people, cultures, genders, generation etc. However, we were all raised or were taught/educated a religious way of life, and that's our camaraderie we share. I just wanted to know how everyone deals with the exit.

  I'm in no way delineating or portraying to others they're incorrect, nor am I declaring they should be doing "this". It was just a "musing" of mine that I wanted to compose.

  Nicholas, (my brother) puts in about 70 to 80 hours of work a week. Like many others, he will be on every now and then. As to my other threads? I don't really participate on threads that solely intends for you to exercise your mind. I don't want people to think I am somewhat intelligent. "Brooke, just sit there and look pretty"

  Brooke
• 

  jambon1

  Those who have family still in, do you really care what they think of you? Or, do you secretly hide the apostate or ex-jw lifestyle from them? What for? I know many of us will say "Well I love my family, I want them in my life and that's why I am in the fade mode." Why should we want someone to be in lives if we have to live a lie? Also, we know if they ever really knew our thinking process they would cut us off in a heartbeat. So why we do continue? - I was told today that if I started to say anything against the truth, she would tell me "where to go". I have no freedom of speech. But I still want these in my life cause I love them. These are not true blue, pious, bigoted, withnesses. One day I may be able to get them out. Sometimes I feel like saying, WTF.....I will tell you this about the WT! Its not worth it to me. 'Slow and steady always wins the race'