by Terry 7 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • Terry

    Setting: Latter-Day Brooklyn, NY Corporate meeting among the Faithful and Discreet Slave(masters)

    (Slave 1) "Fellow slaves, brothers! Let us begin our meeting now, shall we? Slave 12, would you open with prayer, please?"

    (Slave 12) "Heavenly Slavemaster, Jehovah--we approach your throne of undeserved kindness at this time to ask your direction in sorting our tangled and often confusing policies. Those Internet Apostates are wringing our necks worldwide and we convene here this morning for the very purpose of dealing them a blow. Since you are not the author of confusion AND we refuse to admit to any ourselves, we ask your spirit be with us. In the merits of Christ Jesus' ransom sacrifice: AMEN"

    (Slave 1) "AMEN. Now, do we have any Old Business before we move on to the New? Yes, Slave 7?"

    (Slave 7) "Brothers, the time has come for us to examine our record of accuracy. This headquarters has published many things over the course of the years which have come back to bite us on our collective asses. The usual result is an ongoing cover up and a clamping down. This hasn't really worked effectively to silence dissent from within or without, now has it? (Heads nodding around the table.) Right. Up until now this Stonewalling has bought us time. But, the solution is elusive. The time is Now to act! Shall we review? Yes, Slave 4?"

    (Slave 4) "Which polices, prophecies and such are we talking about exactly?"

    (Slave 5) "Well, if I may? I've been making notes for the last several's see. Oh yes, here we are:"

    1. The arrival of Jesus in Kingdom power in 1914

    Dear me! I think we all agree this JUST CAN'T BE RIGHT! I mean, what the hell has he been up to all this time??? Either he is a lay about idler twiddling his royal thumbs for 92 years....or..WE GOT IT WRONG!

    2. 607 b.c.e.

    We all know how easy it was to maintain that this was the commencement date for figuring 1914 BEFORE the Internet became operative. But, now--people worldwide can put the facts in front of them easily. We can't double-shuffle this one much longer.

    3.The Blood issue

    It isn't so bad that brothers and sisters have died because of this policy; its the legal ramifications that are worrisome! We could lose millions in lawsuits potentially!! Besides, we've painted ourselves in a corner here by gradually re-defining blood components. Let's shit or get off the pot on this one soon!

    4. Pedophiles

    I guess we really screwed the pooch on this one. Don't ask/don't tell didn't work and neither has the two witness thingy. We've publicly decried child molesting and that hasn't gotten us very far. I'm afraid we may be forced to actually DEAL with this one at a local level. However, it means we are acknowledging that this problem is everywhere by doing so. Tsk tsk. What a sorry state!

    5.Voting/Community Service

    This is a nuisance! Why any of the brothers bother considering themselves "citizens" is beyond me. We exist to take advantage of this country's freedoms and not to uphold them by support! Unfortunately, we can't publicly be seen as social ingrates and freeloaders much longer. We've made gestures at "allowing" the rank and file to "consider their own conscience" and all that malarky. But, the smart ones see through that because they KNOW we'll chop em' off at the ankles if they vote or volunteer for anything. So....this is a sticky one!

    6. Lord's Evening meal observance

    This is so embarassing! The numbers are killing us! The 144,000 partakers is a number that SHOULD BE GOING DOWN!! But, does it? Nooooo. It is in flux. And this means those idiots out there still want to go to Heaven instead of taking a seat in the back of the bus!! I've said before and continue to say the only way to deal with this one is to fudge the numbers. Or, "spiritualize" the actual number of 144,000 itself.

    7. Faithful and discreet Slave class

    The numbskulls who say they are of the "Anointed" but, who cannot determine the meaning of scriptures or policy are an inferior class or subdivision of Jesus' Bride. They don't like it. They just can't stand being the ugly wives and letting us be the pretty ones. They want to cook up a serving of "meat in due season" too. We need to get our ducks in a row on this one.

    8. Armageddon

    I say we just set another date and ask all the congregations to send us their money for safe-keeping! When it doesn't happen we declare that IT REALLY DID, but invisiibly and move on. We can convince them that the Paradise promised is really just the protection of Jehovah's organization. Actually, we've seen how easy it is to convince these Rubes of practically anything! Why not just really have some fun for a change?

    (Slave 2) Well, we've raised these points before on many occasions and never seem to get anywhere. Why change anything now?

    (Slave 4) Heck, Slave 5 is right; it is time to have some fun for a change. We're stuck in the mud and can't move with these old policies. Why not just scrap all of them and start fresh? Any suggestions?

    (Slave 5) I've been thinking about some changes! How about these?

    1. The president of the Watchtower Society is really Jesus incarnate

    2. Plural wives are now allowed (but, only pretty young ones!)

    3.Special silk robes for elders (and maybe fancy headgear)

    4.A Theme park like Disney World: WATCHTOWERLAND!

    5.Claim ownership of all the janitorial services owned by the brothers

    6.Declare Wednesday's "clothing optional"!

    7.Release a Watchtower publication: "Judge Rutherford's dirty jokes"

    8.Bingo right after the Watchtower study on Sundays!

    9.Uniforms for the door to door publishers (White robes with detachable Urim and Thummim)

    10.Add "slaying in the spirit" during book study!

    11.Invite John Tesh to Conventions

    12.Publish a special issue of the Watchtower titled "WE WERE ONLY KIDDING!" special April fool's edition

    (Slave 1) "Excellent suggestions all! I say we approve these and discuss more of them during the next meeting!"

    (Slave 7) "I second that. All in favor say "Aye".....

    (ALL: "AYE!)

    (Slave 1) "Let it be written; so, let it be done!"

  • matey

    hahaha, pretty funny. I got a kick out of it!! The sad part is its based on truth lol..

  • Confession

    Nice sendup, Terry. They're going to have to deal with this stuff sooner or later!

  • Andy C
    Andy C


  • Terry

    Nice sendup, Terry. They're going to have to deal with this stuff sooner or later!

    Don't you wish, just once, somebody with a sense of humor would rise to the top and loosen up the shackles on the ankles of the poor wretches in the Kingdom Halls?

    When I was a publisher in the 60's it was a fun religion!

  • MidwichCuckoo

    Lol Terry...

    4.A Theme park like Disney World: WATCHTOWERLAND!

    But what would the ATTRACTIONS be?

  • fullofdoubtnow

    Very funny Terry.

  • Terry

    I'm surprised some industrious person hasn't hidden a microphone in the meeting room of headquarters to transmit the actual details of these conversations. An industrial spy could do it.

    Or, do they sweep for microphones--do you think??

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