I posted the following on a rock band forum today. The band in question are (more accurately, "were") a group heavily influenced by paganism, lyrically and instrumentally. Just thought I'd share here:
I've only been here a short while, but I've been poring over many of the posts, especially those with a religious theme. I really enjoy reading about people's "spiritual journeys" and how tolerant most here are with regards to them. Just thought I'd share mine.
I was more or less raised as a Jehovah's Witness. (I'd like to take a second here to say that in what follows, I am not attacking Jehovah's Witnesses personally, as I understand at least one member here is a Witness - and a very open-minded member I might add. Some of the most beautiful people I've met are Witnesses and JWs for the most part are loving, caring, honest individuals. I am merely commenting on the institution that administers their religion, namely the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, in the same way that someone could comment on the Catholic Church and not be attacking Catholics as a whole.)
The Watchtower teaches that JWs have the One True Religion. They soley have access to The Truth, and have a direct channel of communication to the one god, Jehovah. Only through studying the Watchtower and other publications can you gain "accurate knowledge" of god and the bible. Not unusual, really, since many Christian religions believe somewhat similar things.
Here's where it differs somewhat: The Watchtower refers to the world outside their organization as, well, The World. It is essentially the realm of the devil and under "demonic" influence. And one is always reminded that no matter how good a person on "the outside" seems, no matter how kind or wise or caring they are, they are still a part of "Satan's system of things."
You are also told to never, ever read anything espousing an opposing viewpoint, ESPECIALLY anything written by a former member. These people are known as "apostates," and are basically penning the devil's propaganda. And if it's discovered that you no longer believe that The Watchtower has the One True Religion, if you openly express doubt, you can be excommunicated and all ties with your family and friends are severed.
Enter The Tea Party.
I couldn't figure out at first why I was so drawn to this music. I mean, it was full of pagan (to my mind at the time "satanic") references and some fairly obvious denouncements of Christianity. The album artwork was littered with "spooky" imagery. The frontman kept name-dropping some creepy guy called Crowley. I loved a song containing the lyric "Hello, sweet Satan". But I couldn't stop listening. It really affected me and simultaneously bothered me because I knew I shouldn't be exposing myself to this pagan/satanic stuff. Nevertheless, it took root in my soul. Around the time I discovered The Tea Party, I started seriously questioning my beliefs.
Then I met this really cool guy. He had hair that was unacceptably long, and wore a "satan symbol" around his neck. I found out later he was a witch - and it blew me away. I didn't understand. How could this guy practice the Black Arts and still be so smart/friendly/funny? In spite of myself, I became friends with him.
We talked a lot about religion. I never told him I was a JW, because at the time I was too "ashamed" for whatever reason. But the more he told me about his beliefs, the more fascinated I became. I started to reasearch pagan websites that my faith commanded me not to not investigate. I was shocked at how much The Tea Party's lyrics/imagery were informed by this religion. Later, I started frequenting "apostate" sites. (What I learned there appalled me, but that's best saved for another time.) My doubts were increasing exponentially, but I ignored them. I felt I had no power to leave my religion. I still felt it was The Truth. And besides, I didn't want to lose my family and friends. I didn't want to lose my wife-to-be, whom I loved more than the world. So I kept my doubts private.
Over the years, certain Tea Party lyrics started sticking in my head. One in particular:
--
And it hurts so bad
To see your garden of debris
Don't make a move now
Could be the thing that sets you free
Ah, but you suffer
I see you suffer with a smile
Look around yourself
Baby, don't you think you're in denial?--
I reached the breaking point about two-and-a-half years ago. I'd been unemployed for six months. All my attempts to find work had failed. I was depressed and gaining a lot of weight. I was drinking way too much. I was falling into debt and could barely pay my mortgage. My wife saw me in a downward spiral and felt powerless to help me. And my doubts were stronger than ever. Still, I prayed. I prayed to my god over and over, harder than I ever had before, begging him to help me, pleading for him to show me the way.
Then, out of desperation and completely out of character, I prayed to another god. I think it was a Goddess.
Now, I'm not naive enough to believe that what happened afterwards could not possibly have been a coincidence. Even though I was a Christian, I was never big on miracles. And, hey, stick it out long enough and things are bound to get better, right? Well, I'm not so sure.
A few days later I got a call from Toronto (I was currently residing in Vancouver). The man on the phone basically told me I had a job waiting for me and asked when I could move to Ontario. Leaving my wife behind for a couple of months (just to "feel things out") I arrived in this large city with something I'd never had before: complete freedom. I was free to do anything, think anything, be anything. The slate had been wiped clean and it was in this environment that I began to re-evaluate everything.
I still remember the horrible paranoia I felt buying a book that I knew was somewhat critical of the bible (Ishmael by Daniel Quinn). I quite literally looked over my shoulders a couple of times before pulling it off the shelf. It was quite a defining moment for me.
Then I made the most difficult phone call of my life. Fearing I was about to destroy my marriage, I called my wife up and in tears told her I didn't want to attend the meetings (church services) anymore. To my astonishment and extreme relief, she said she didn't want to either.
When she moved out to join me we discussed religion non-stop. We started buying books we weren't "allowed" to read and thinking thoughts we "shouldn't" have been thinking. Eventually we decided that The Truth was not Our Truth anymore. As a result, we lost most of our friends, and the only members of our JW family that continued to talk to us were our mothers.
We both started studying more nature-based religions. For some reason, we'd always felt an attraction to that side of spirituality - although I have my theories. I'm about to follow a pagan path, although I'm not sure which one. I dig a lot of Druid and Wiccan beliefs (thanks for the website, Hexe!) but I think I'm leaning more towards eclecticism. While I've not practiced any rituals or observed any special days, I feel a strong desire to do so.
Which leads me to my final point (yes, there is a point):
In this life, you have a finite period of time. You can't do everything. You can't study everything. You can't experience everything. Sometimes all you have to go on it what you're drawn to, what inspires you. What speaks to you. The Tea Party and Jeff Martin have been speaking to me for years. The difference now, of course, is that I listen. And the lyrics are as pertinent now as ever.
--
I've looked inside myself and glimpsed my fragile state
Then said goodbye to all those friends and walked away
You, my love, have always understood my soul
So let's go
Marching on
Towards Light
--
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