I think I have the potential to be smart, quick witted, pretty, kind, generous & loveable. But, lack the ambition. I am overly sensitive and care how others view me. I tend to take things too seriously and feel them too deeply. I'm overly empathetic and try to block out painful emotions with humor and self-deprecation. I am a giver and a pleaser. I have pride in myself and sometimes consider myself above average, although I constantly suffer from low self esteem. My current life is like a vinyl record with the needle stuck...playing static over and over. I can't get over being a JW and I'm tired of being an ExJW. I feel like I am waiting for someone to hand me another life. I sometimes think subconsciously, my JW self is sabotaging things. I wasn't disfellowshipped but, I feel like I have disfellowshipped myself. The dissapointment, finger-pointing and judgemental attitude that my former friends showed toward me leaving has effected me a lot. I have tried "letting loose" ... becoming "worldly" or "heathenistic" but, there is alway some sort of old jw restraint warring in my head.
In trying to answer the question (What Do You Think About Yourself???)..I just realized that I probably could write pages of incoherient drivel that no one cares about anyway.
Either I would be thinking too much of myself or not enough about myself. I also realize that I am totally miserable when my focus turns inward and contentedly happy when my focus turns outward towards others. My codependent nature was sickly satiated as a witness. Until I find another dysfunctional person or group to latch onto I will continue to wallow in my self-pity... searching for someone or something else to define me.