Dear Dave,
I picked up my two sons at the airport today. I was not forced me to practically disrobe at the airport so they could see the scar and wave their magic thingy around where the seven-inch steel plate is embedded onto my arm, nor did they go through my hair like the last time I flew. (I had to pay $40 to go through security just so I could meet them at the gate). They are now upstairs, watching old taped "Southpark" episodes with my full approval (their father would never allow such a thing), completely and utterly cracking up, delirious with joy, making hideous fake fart sounds, and eating way too much crap food, which I bought them against my better judgment, for the sheer joy of watching them eat it with full abandon.
Today I learned that my bank has put a "hold" on my two accounts, debit card and line of credit, which makes $19,000 of MY money inaccessible to me. There is no explanation other than "irregular activity noted". I have to wait until Monday, during proper business hours, for an explanation for their inexplicable actions. I am scared that I am a victim of identity theft, and wish to cancel all of my credit cards, but then I would have no access to funds at all. I don't wish to put my nice creditors through all of that time for nothing, and I don't want to waste like fourteen trees in the process of having all of my accounts reassigned to new account numbers. I spent three hours on the phone trying to reason that there needs to be a better explanation for their placing a hold on my accounts other than "uh, we're from Minnesota, and we have cheese for brains, and you rate no higher than fungus in our scheme of things, so, like, well, maybe you are a victim of identity theft, but we can not confirm nor deny anything, because we are all cheese-loaves, and we could care less whether or not you have money to like even park your car at the airport, which, if you don't do, and choose to have someone drive around waiting for you and your two children to appear at the baggage claim, and they drive more than three times around the whatever, we'll arrest them for some reason, which we will come up with later, after you have already had to bail him out of jail, which you can't do, because your money is all hosed up for some reason that you can not find out about until Monday, 9:00 am EST.
This was just minutes after discovering antifreeze pooling up in the garage - a mere two hours after picking up the car from a routine oil-change thing. The cheese-brains at the garage made me have to redefine "cheese-brain." It is way too generous a term.
If I don't go completely mental with police-state fears tomorrow, I'm taking my kids to their first rock concert ever: Sonic Youth ----->1st Avenue in CHEESE-brain, Minnesota on Monday. Then, later, I'll find a way to get access to some money, and pay someone mega-bucks to fix my hair, which is the unfortunate victim of "self-applied cheap highlighter product". I'll get married on Friday if I'm not in jail for assaulting some poor cheese-for-brains freak clerk at the bank or the cheesy car place, and we are eating macaroni and cheese for dinner tonight.
I'm marrying the man of my screams (if he was not in my life I'd be on you like an extremely serious rash), my kids are safe and I can go in their room and look at them while they sleep tonight and get all geeky over how amazing they are, there is a LOT of ice cream in the freezer and beer on tap (uh, such must be apparent), and life is grande. Simon's je n'est-ce quoi is going to prevail as it always has----> my window to the universe will survive its current correction-spasm, and one day, this will all be so ..... whatever.....
Don't you like the new and improved non-serious, non-caring, discussion board clown that I have turned into?
You, and others who post here that I have come to depend upon for life-support, continue to rock in too many ways to describe, and please remember this: "every once in a while you just have to say 'what the fuck."
Love, lauralisa
